Fiancé is getting out of rehab for first time. What can I expect? - Al-Anon Family Group

Gleleni · Newbie

Fiancé is getting out of rehab for first time. What can I expect?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, Gleleni: I'm glad you are going to Al-Anon. We are as powerless over the disease and the person with it home from rehab as we are over them and their disease prior to it. You are not responsible for his choice to drink or not drink. He is. You are responsible for taking good care of yourself and your child and it looks to me as if you are working on that - especially with your willingness to attend Al-Anon meetings and following through on it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Gleleni, I understand your concern and am happy that your partner has sought treatment. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested but never cured. We who live with this disease, although we do drink alcoholically develop symptoms and attitudes very similar to our partners and also require a program of recovery. AA is the program of recovery for alcoholic and Al-Anon has been founded by the spouse founder of AA for those of us who have lived with this disease.

I urge you to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community and attend. The hotline number can be found in the white pages. Breaking the isolation caused by living with this disease and connecting with others who truly understand is a huge step towards your recovery. Developing new constructive tools to live by also helps to lift the anxiety and walking on eggshells attitudes that we develop.
Knowing that we did not cause this disease, that we cannot control it and cannot cure it also helps me to focus on the one thing that I can change and that is myself. .

Please keep coming back here there is hope and help

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Gleleni,

I started Al Anon at the advice of the counselor in my AW's second rehab. It is one of the best things I have ever done with my life, with or without my AW. When she came home, I had already gotten to the point that I didn't feel like I had to walk on eggshells. After all, I found out I didn't cause the alcoholism, couldn't control it, and wouldn't cure it. That was all up to her.

However, there are things that I also learned that did help her. Most of them involved treating her like a human with basic dignity, which I had all but stopped doing before she went into rehab. It was important to her and to me that I see a human face on her, and know that she excels at many things, fails at some, and has her own set of emotions that go along with that. And I didn't berate her over her past behavior anymore. I had a group of people that understood me where I could vent and release all that anger, so that she didn't have to weather my angry outburst. My wife was in good enough recovery after she left 2nd rehab she would have just left me if I would have started in on beating her over the head with the past, her recovery was by then so important to her.

And that she has her own mind, over which I have no control. If she wanted to go back to alcohol after we spent thousands in rehab, then that was her business. I couldn't stop her from doing that. And that is what happened after her first rehab stint, she relaped in a few months.

Set boundaries that are appropriate for me. Boundaries are all about me, not her. Again, if she decides to drink, I only have control over what I do. So I set a boundary that there won't be any drinking by her. Consequence was that if she did drink, she went right back into 1/2way house.

And then a relapse plan, communicated to her. Both of us set this up with a counselor at the center before she left. Boundary as stated above. And if she doesn't want to participate in 1/2way house, then I will do whatever is necessary to keep our family as safe and intact as possible, which might even involve her leaving the family.

So, don't feel like walking on eggshells. If he drinks, he drinks. If his rehab was worth anything, he will already know that by the time he leaves.

And get yourself to as many Al Anon meetings as you can now. So far, Al Anon has saved my marriage. But more importantly, it has saved me, and I can now make clear decisions and judgments on what behavior of my wife's and mine is acceptable or unacceptable.

And keep coming back here!

Kenny

PS no, none of your questions are strange. If you go to an Al Anon meeting, you will find out how many other people have been through this, and be able to draw strength and gain clear insight from their experience.

-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Friday 10th of October 2014 09:28:58 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe we need to stay out of their way. It's their own personal recovery. it is not easy as he is facing all the things he drank away. He is by no means well. Believe me you can do nothing to make him relapse.

Walking on eggshells is the worst thing you can do. He does not need anyone babying him. he needs to know you are ok, taking care of you and kiddo.

His disease is his own to deal with in his way. Your job is to look at your needs and interests. Be busy, don't change a think in your routine or anything. Expect nothing from him.You may find you need boundaries.

being married to an A is totally different than to be married to a non A. We look at things so differently. Not always bad either. but the why doesn't he do this or think that etc. he does not think like we do. He will always be first unless he works on not being selfish.

I did not even talk to my A about his disease. Not my problem. He did not have to feel guilt about anything as I accepted him as is. If he was a jerk I just left the room or got busy doing something else. no big deal.

Keep going to meetings, come here, read all you can. Getting them Sober toby rice drew volume one.

We would love for you to keep coming here. We need you too and we have a special love for each other here.

wonderful share! LOVE!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I would expect for him to be going to lots of meetings and getting a sponsor. From there, you don't need to do anything but stand back and work on yourself. HIS substance abuse problem has led him to seek out HIS recovery. It is not yours. Do whatever it is you would ordinarily do. He doesn't need to be treated like a baby because he has an alcohol or drug problem. Life is not going to slow down or treat him more kindly just because he's trying to get sober either.

Most people flop out of rehab and relapse because they don't develop a recovery program with regular meetings, step work and a sponsor. So...if that stuff isn't happening, there is like a 90 percent chance of relapse and there's literally NOTHING you can do about it but focus on you and take yourself to Alanon so that you don't get too wrapped up in and have your life revolving around him and his addiction.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.