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I didn't want to high jack the other thread about emotions so I started my own.
i am on emotional overload. I cried all day yesterday. That is real hard for me to do. I am on antidepressant and haven't been able to cry for some time. I decreased my dosage. This is allowing me to feel more. I think it is good because crying is cleansing.
5 days ago I told AH to get out. He sorta left. He stays gone all night then comes home to get ready for work at5:00 am. I told him this wasn't acceptable. We then talked. He was sober finally. I asked him a lot of questions about gf. He had been lying to me so much I wasn't sure about how much he was involved. Well he spilled. He is seriously involved. He said he tried to get rid of her but his heart hurt so badly that he couldn't take it. That broke my heart. I told him I couldn't share him anymore. I told him I needed boundaries for my own self esteem. I am not going to be his whore anymore.
I am sick with grief. I removed my wedding rings. I haven't been able to take them off let alone remove them for at least 35 years. I am done until he can distinguish who his wife is. I am. Not her. But he doesn't know what that means. I cannot teach him what marriage means when he is drunk all the time. It must be up to him to figure it out. All I can do is take care of me.
Ellen: You are certainly no whore. You are a woman who has been betrayed and although I get the boundaries you are putting in place, I don't agree with the self talk. He broke the contract with you. He failed to live up to his promise to be true to you. That's on him. That reality hurts enough. You are a woman who has lived according to the vows she made from what I've read and you have tried to make the best of a very difficult relationship. That to me speaks of a person who is noble, resourceful, holds firm under fire and shows both mercy and grace when confronted by the wrong-doing of a man who has forgotten his best self somewhere along the line. Grief is hard enough without our self-talk being anything but gentle and kind.
I am so sorry Ellen, I can feel your grief and it is heartbreaking. I am glad you are allowing yourself to feel this raw pain, it will pass. Don't let this affect how you feel about yourself as a woman...this sort of stuff gets us at our core. What are you doing for yourself to nourish those lovely luscious parts of you? I cannot recall if you are attending al anon meetings/have a sponsor. This is crucial. Hugs.
When my SO was having a affair and I found out I was heartbroken, sick and wanted to kill myself. I let him go, I told him to get out. I also stocked him for about 6 months which was stupid. He went to his GF, he had a good time but his true self came out and she dropped him like a hot potato. She didn't have the investment I had in him. She didn't know him and his ways. He was heartbroken, he was sick and he came to me. Stupid me listened and after two years took him back. Don't get me wrong I do love this man but I think I love him because I want the control to fix him and make him better. I want this man not because he is my partner in life but because I DON"T want to be alone and I can't find someone new to love me. It's me that has the problem here but I can except that and maybe someday I will change.
I feel your pain.....its embedded deep in my heart and I will never forget.
((( BIG HUGS ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Yes I have been attending Al-anon meetings twice a week. Plus at least twice a week on line. I also have a sponsor. I spoke to her the other night and she has been very supportive.
I know my self hate talk is not appropriate but that is the way he made me feel last night. I have been having sex with him right along because I didn't know he was having with this other woman. But when he admitted the seriousness of his relationship I felt dirty and used. How could I have not seen this?? How could I have believed his lies for months?? This makes me so sick.
All I can do now is move forward. I've been reading my ODAAT book and working my step book. I can hardly get past step 1 though right now.
i know what you mean when you say it's on you That you still want to control and fix him. My AH even asked me if he could come back after he left me. What kind of question is that?? I know I can't stand to be alone and I don't think I would be for very long but it is hard to say. Take him back though?? Used, and discarded?? I don't think so. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and once it's been violated I doubt I can go all the way back. Who knows though?? I have loved him for more than 40 years. It's hard to say. I've never had him tell me he was in love with someone else before. I feel that is the ultimate betrayal.
You have the support to help you see your world with different eyes....use them to see you in a different way. Make an assets and gratitude list, say these things to yourself several times during the day and your perceptions will change. You are a committed, strong, loving, beautiful woman. Perhaps this betrayal needed to happen so you would take the action you needed to take. Perhaps you wont need to antidepressants to help you stuff the emotions/knowledge that were trying to come to the surface in order for you to take the right action with your marriage. Now, maybe your intuition will be heard? Maybe your HP was trying to get your attention for a very long time? Give yourself time to grieve, let go and LIVE
i have been severely depressed since losing my daughter. Although that has been 14 years now I still have nightmares about her lying on the ground crumpled in a heap trying to wave her hand at me to come to her. They held me down and I never got the chance to say goodbye and that I loved her.
Now this is happening. I had to grieve losing her full out no antidepressants at that time. It feels like that is what I need to grieve this too.
I am sorry, Ellen. You have a new community now to support you through all of the losses you have experienced. Hopefully, in time, you will be able to release the hauntings and forgive yourself for whatever you believe you have been responsible for...seems perhaps there is some self punishing happening? When you do your step 4 with your sponsor, you may see so much of the good stuff that is buried within you. xxoo
((Ellen)) I'm sorry this is what you're dealing with. The disease affects everything within reach- it destroys- it's very powerful, cunning, and baffling. I can relate to your grief and came to Alanon in grief and was welcomed by people who loved me until I could love myself. Please continue to come back and accept the love from your MIP family as your own for as long as you would like. Sending prayers!
Ellen you are woman worth loving and he is the loser here because he threw it all away for a fling. How does he even know he loves her so much if he is not sober enough most of the time to know what love is.
Something you said resonated with me because it echoed a friend's comment after her separation and divorce. She also thought she could not be alone and had settled for a long time for a man who was not worthy of her in any way. He was an alcoholic also. He cheated, she caught him and she left. And she was destroyed. She sought counseling and her therapist told her that, when she was comfortable living alone and with only herself. When she was comfortable with her own company and sufficient for her own needs. When she valued herself enough to really enjoy her solitude. Only then should she be open to a new partner.
She spent several years alone and she said they were hard but she read and she learned and she grew and she did a lot of introspection. She is now happily married to a wonderful guy but she says that she would have been fine alone if he had not come along. I really hope that you also begin to see what a wonderful, compassionate and strong woman you are.
I am so sorry that you are hurting. I see a kind and generous woman and I see that smile in your picture and I believe that you have so much to give. When AH had his affair I started to learn to give to myself. I love my assets and gratitude lists and I do them every day. This is a time when it is ok to lean on others and to believe them when they say that you will grow and find enjoyment in life again. To have had two huge traumas in your life without the support that you deserve makes me sad and but I also celebrate that you are learning new ways of being because I believe that is a positive path for you. We are here for you and your Alanon family are with you and your HP will teach you to care for yourself. Thinking of you and sending huge, enormous, enveloping, cosseting (((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))).
I have been able to have compassion for my partners illness and detach over the years but one thing I will not tolerate is infidelity. I came into al anon because he was unfaithful I was in a bad place he manipulated his way back. I swore that I would leave if it ever happened again.
He was sober for 2 years and has just slipped 2 months ago. I asked him to leave cause he stayed out all night I know I can not trust this disease I can not have a loving respectful trusting tow way relationship with an addict. today I matter thanks to al anon.
I know I am powerless over his behaviour and that I am responsible for mine. yesterday his sister told me she thinks he has someone else it cut me in two. I have prayed meditated reach out all day. I am ok now after 24 hours of struggle. Its not my loving partner its the disease. I can not interact with it. So not contact unless he is back in recovery and working the steps its not safe for me I have had to much pain. I have been feeling a lot better, then seen his sister so not contact from now on with his family I like my serenity to much.
I hear you. I need to learn who I am again. I'm not going looking for someone. I wouldn't even know where to begin. I just know that I am too young to truly be alone. Just because he has discarded me like last weeks garbage does not mean I have to stink.
i am so fortunate to be able to have support from someone that has been there. I just know I have to back away and no expect him to suddenly change. He has chosen to drink and with it comes this woman. Now he needs to live with his choices. I cannot change him. I can only move on from here. I have a lot to deal with but I can take it in small chunks.
i know talking to his family only gets me in a worse mess too. My MIL cannot accept that he is alcoholic. She still just thinks he drinks too much. I don't know what she thinks alcoholism is?? Maybe she envisions a bum on the street. I know she thinks he works so he must be ok. There is no way his behavior is ok.
When talking to AH last night we talked about his mom and Dad not ever giving him boundaries. He doesn't even understand simple boundaries. His parents never gave him a curfew, never required he go to school, and never showed him any affection. He learned how to work but that was because his Dad had to have money to drink. He learned at age 12 to get a job if he wanted anything including school clothes. Dysfunctional!!!
I'm to sorry to read that you lost your daughter, Ellen. My own son was intentionally hit by a truck driven by another teen when he was a few days shy of his 17th birthday. He suffered brain damage back then and died in many ways to his potential. His mother died back then in ways, too. You are not alone and you love yourself enough I see to say "no" to being used if that is how you feel. We are made for much more than that as women even if some think otherwise. We aren't on this earth just for the sake of being married to my way of thinking. There are greater purposes for our femininity than that for some of us. There's nothing wrong with having a mate or a partner or a marriage and there is something beautiful about owning our own power as women with much unconditional love to give and to receive.
Ellen, all I can say is look what your dealing with. He is probably not going to change. I didn't read any of the other comments. I am sorry for your pain & I really mean it. Just continue to go on w/ your life. You deserve to be treated well. I hope that I am not out of line. I just felt the need to share.
My opinion isn't always the best but I hope you feel like I have helped in some way.
Well it's done for sure. He came home from work and told me he chose her over me. He said a lot of mean things. He told me he has been with this woman for 2 years. He also said he's had numerous affairs throughout our marriage. He said he's been pretending for so long that he can't do it anymore. I'm sick. I want to puke. I told him to pack a bag and get out and not return. He said he would have to come back To clean up the garage and take care of things for winter. I told him NO I don't want him around. All I can do is cry. I'm over exhausted. I'm going to a f2f meeting tonight and might do the online one too tonight. I HATE being alone.
Good choices, Ellen. I'm glad you are going to meetings tonight. There's usually folks in the chat room, too. Warning though. I had to stop going to it because I'd be up until 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning. I hated to tear myself away from that great bunch there.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 7th of October 2014 05:52:54 PM
((Ellen)) Be gentle with yourself as your emotions run their course. Keep yourself plugged in to Alanon to help yourself though the process. Sending prayers.
Thanks Bud. I'm going to go to as many f2f meetings as I can. I need to feel. I just can't face people right now that I know. I am embarrassed that this has happened to me. Many people know my husband and think he is such a great guy. They don't know this jerk that has shown up.
I wanted to affirm, you are not alone and there is nothing to be ashamed of. This is not al anon approved, yet, as I was reading here this popped into my head for you. Check out the work of Brene Brown. She has written some fabulous books that on shame, I believe, can be helpful to us all. You will get through this.....I won't share my first thought as it is rated R.
The shame isn't yours, Hullibee. It is his. And frankly - I have known men who are cheating on their wives. I wouldn't have said anything to the wife since I'm not willing to bring that information to the woman. I have said things to the men. He might not be seen as the wonderful guy you think others see him to be? I've also known women who are having affairs with husbands. I've said things to them as well. Yet, I would not be a person who would want to bring what I know to the innocent party in this and to me that would be the wife and the children. I figure God makes the truth known to them when the time is right. It's the offender God tries to reach first in my experience. Don't let his shame hold you back. We are not responsible for other people's marital infidelity. They are. We are only responsible for how we deal with it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 8th of October 2014 09:03:08 AM
Grieving ? you are a separate person his shame is his making not yours, hold your head up high with courage and pride, the pain and hurt your feeling is natural but shame is not yours to own.
Thank you Paula. You actually made me smile. Didn't think I had it in me today.
Thanks Grateful. I'm not sure about holding back from telling a friend if I knew. I guess I've never been in that position so I don't know. I want to confront her myself. But I won't. It's over. I just have to grieve the loss.
Thanks Katy. I do feel shame. I'm trying to tell myself that I did not do this but I still feel my deep depression that I've had for 2 years is what go me here. He couldn't deal with my sadness and rejection any more. He looked elsewhere. My fault.
I've known men, Hullibee, whose wives were paralyzed for years. Their husbands did not cheat on them. My mother was a very complicated person. My father was a person that women loved. He never cheated on my Mom. He could have done that many times, but he knew it would hurt my Mom too much. You are not responsible for his choices. He is.
I just can't understand how I could have been living my life all this time with him screwing every woman he had a chance to. Then saying he loves this other woman. Can't wrap my head around it. Too devastating.
When I am hurting like you describe I cope by telling myself that the person I loved was not the person who they proclaimed to be I was only ever in love with who they pretended to be so? or how I wished them to be, it gave me a tad respite here and there from my pain and I could work on the basis I hadn't lost something really at all of any worth I had actually been spared anymore pain, but thats just me.
This could be another addiction, Ellen, a sex addiction. You are powerless over any of his addictions...you did not cause, you cannot control, you cannot cure. Be wise and be mindful of addictions that might be playing out for you...I see self torture/ obsessive thoughts as addictions.
Ok Paula. Trying to let it go. I'm a little calmer than I was. I ate something. I took care of going to doctor for a work slip now I'm just going to rest.
Katy. Thank you for that bit of wisdom. I need to keep telling myself that is not the man I love. He's gone for now probably not coming back.
I didn't figure out until years after I was divorced that my x had probably been cheating the entire time we were married while he was accusing me. I can't explain why I didn't see it or even think it until later even though there had been some unexplained physical issues that I had and no longer had after I divorced him. His cheating just went along with the rest of his immaturity and issues. It really didn't have anything to do with me. If I had known it while we were married, it might have reduced the number of years I kept trying, trying, trying and there's no way to know that now for sure.
I understand your feeling shame; as others have said, the shame is not yours- it belongs to him. His hurtful statements are the disease talking and the disease is programmed to destroy everything within reach. Keep practicing detachment from his hurtful words- they come from a sick mind and don't define who you are. I remember feeling as you do and I kept returning to see myself through my A's sick eyes... but Alanon has taught me to practice seeing myself as I am by working to use the 12 steps and principles daily in all of my affairs... and, slowly, I'm able to trust myself and not accept someone else's sick words as my truth.
i am trying to get through this. The day has progressed and the crying jags have lessened. If it wasn't for you all I don't think I could have gotten through today. It really has been helpful. I don't have girl friends, or really any friends, just my kids and they are adults with lives of their own.
I hated to tear myself away from that great bunch there.