How do I get a handle on anger and resentment? - Al-Anon Family Group

kris4242 · Member

How do I get a handle on anger and resentment?

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Good morning Kris,

I think that your post shows some great self awareness and wisdom. I remember thinking that I did not particularly like the way that I was behaving, I would think to myself 'who would want to be with this miserable lady.' Isn't it silly - we come through so much and then carry on doing it to ourselves!!! I learnt to be gentle with myself and to give myself rest - Just For Today. BTW, that is a great way to live and the AA/Alanon card with its promises of how to live have helped me hugely. Let me know if you would like a copy.

I imagine that you do have every right to be angry, I know that I have hundreds of memories that could trigger a saint to fury and Lord knows I am not a saint! But does it help me? Not much - as a plus it does keep me from falling for old tricks again but I think that the anger could keep me from seeing anyone or doing anything eventually if I let it. So I have to give my vulnerability a right to exist as well - to say to myself that it is ok to take a risk from time to time - that I will not die if they try to hurt me, in fact I might learn something and I might even enjoy myself in a new and exciting way.

Feeling guilty or remorseful don't help me either - although I can do it as easily as flipping a coin. I am really impressed that you recognise that these feelings come up when you are feeling weak or broken. I know that if I feel remotely sorry for myself I can get myself into all sorts of trouble. If I feel tired, or hungry, or lonely I start to think negatively. Have you come across H.A.L.T.? Stands for hungry, angry, lonely or tired? And it is worth remembering when the gremlins start to chatter in our heads. Giving myself a treat, pausing to look at a view or hug a furry animal, or eating something nice are all remarkably soothing these days. Perhaps that is how the miracles start - with gentle appreciative soothing? I wonder? Thank you for triggering that thought Kris!

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kris, I'm glad you found MIP. If it is not possible to attend face to face meetings, please come to the meetings here. Also, a good Al-Anon endorsed book is Courage to Change. You can look in the index for your topic choices. I definitely understand your resentment and anger, I think we all understand it. Lord knows I had enough to share with the world. My anger even turned into rage. These are very powerful and very self destructive emotions.

These are not emotions you can't shed immediately. It takes time, but you can do it. smile I would download all the al-anon literature I could find and read. I don't ever get tired of reading the same al-anon literature over and over.

Take care of you, and keep coming back!

it works if you work it.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I do hear you I have been there and since you cannot attend meetings I suggest that you recite the serenity prayer over and over in your mind. I have also attached a link to the Promises of alanon and a poem on the slogans I would read and re read these as well as try to use this "Just for Today" pamphlet

Just for today, I will try to live through this day only,
and not tackle my whole life problem
at once. I can do something for twelve hours
that would appall me if I felt that I had to
keep it up for a lifetime.

Just for today, I will be happy. This assumes to
be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that
"most folks are as happy as they make up
their minds to be."

Just for today, I will try to strengthen my mind.
I will study. I will learn something useful.
I will not be a mental loafer. I will read
something that requires effort, thought and
concentration.

Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is,
and not try to adjust everything to my own
desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes,
and fit myself to it.

Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three
ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and
not get found out. I will do at least two
things I don't want to--just for exercise.
I will not show anyone that my feelings are
hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not
show it

Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look
as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low,
act courteously, criticize not one bit, not
find fault with anything and not try to improve
or regulate anybody except myself.

Just for today, I will have a program. I may not
follow it exactly, but I will have it. I will
save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

Just for today, I will have a quiet half hour all
by myself, and relax. During this half hour,
sometime, I will try to get a better perspective
of my life.

Just for today, I will be unafraid. Especially I
will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
and to believe that as I give to the world, so
the world will give to me.

alanon.activeboard.com/t52247626/the-giftspromises-of-alanon/

alanon.activeboard.com/t55852150/sticky-alanon-slogans-in-poem/

NL14 · Veteran Member

Hi Kris,
Welcome. Anger and resentment are totally naturalwe've had a lot of talk about both on this board. If you go back to old posts on the board, you'll find a lot of wisdom from the wonderful Al-Anoners here. Great suggestions above to use the online meetings here and the slogans and promises. You might also want to order some of the literature; reading the daily readers and other books really, really helps, especially if you can't go to live meetings.

I can relate to your experience of your anger spilling over into other areas of your life. I actually have a very hard time feeling and owning my own anger, and almost never express it directly, but I'll feel it coming out in irritation--most often toward my kids (I'm ashamed of that) but also, recently, toward my boss in a meeting! Not ideal. So, I've made great use of the Serenity prayer and of deep breathing, meditation, yoga, and exercise to keep myself calm and clear. All that helps with the resentment and with the unexpressed anger that forms the resentment.

Good luck to you in everything, and keep coming back here for help.
NL

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, kris; it is a fellowship that knows your story intimately. In addition to what the others have suggested, there is Step Board available here that will help you to learn and apply the 12 steps into your daily life. Keep coming back!

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

My daughter likened it to a bottle of poison being in a lake, you can remove the bottle, but the residue of the poison remains until it eventually dissipates. I believe we can help the dissipation, or hinder it - help it by getting the anger out in the best least destructive methods, cleaning house, purging garages, pounding nails to build something that will later hold something beautiful. For me I had to let the anger out or it was going to destroy me, but I didn't want the anger to hurt anyone else so I opted for ranting in my car when driving alone - I found myself feeling better because voicing the things I was angry about helped me to see them more clearly, see where my part in something was, see what I could have done differently, and, see that for some things, no matter what I did they weren't going to come out good. I sometimes felt like that computer in War Games, running through every conceivable scenario until coming to the conclusion that the only winning move was not to play.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can remember an experience that was on-going in relationship to some folks who simply were incredibly ill and there was no escaping that situation for a time. I felt incredibly hurt and it angered me that there appeared to be no way out of the circumstance. I did not want to act on the desire to punish or get revenge that is a very real danger inside of me, so I chose to take my hurt, my anger and maybe my resentments(can't truthfully remember) and plant bulbs in what I named my "mercy garden." The ground was hard, my knees hurt, and it took me a long time to get those bulbs planted by hand (I didn't own an auger and a drill - something I still covet). That helped me put the negative energy into doing something productive with my hurts and my powerlessness over others that reminded me that this, too, will pass and be transformed into something of value if I did what you are doing - admit how I'm truly thinking and feeling and looking for a way to express it that doesn't further injure me or others.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.