The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reality that my relationship with A is ending because he went too far and got violent is setting in.
There's no chance of any healthy communication around this because he won't or isn't capable or just doesn't want to take any responsibility for what he did.
So I'm feeling quite low this morning at the reality of it all. Either I sweep it under the carpet and go back to working the program from within the relationship or I stick to what my gut is telling me and get out, no matter how hard it is going to be. Gonna go for a walk on the beach and see if that clears my head. I feel so sad. I want to cry but can't. I would appreciate some ESH please if anyone has some time.
(((((Rainbow)))))...local Al-Anon support has always worked wonders for me. I get to be with people who understand and who have learned solutions and are willing to pass them on to me; a form of group sponsorship. Sponsorship of course for me was most grand because I found mentors who knew the journey, the smooth parts and ruts and would openly share that with me without demand. If he is alcoholic...you will not get sane and responsible responses. He is altered and that doesn't and won't meet any expectation you have about how it is supposed to be. Violence has no justification. I apologize for any pain you feel from that because at one time I thought it was a solution and I was wrong. If you cannot protect yourself get outside help fast and follow the suggestions of those who come to your aid. I've seen more than my share of tragedy from the violence of alcohol and drug addiction...it is not mandatory or necessary that you go thru it...what would you do to save someone else from it...do that.
If you sweep it under the carpet the floor will get bumpy and the metaphor of the elephant in the living room becomes more real. Denial doesn't mean that the disease doesn't exist...it only means that we change the color and shape of it in order to put up with it. Mind set? An elephant is an elephant is an elephant...you can even say out loud (or not) "you're an elephant" and walk away.
That he is suffering from a life threatening disease doesn't mean that you have to become the martyr and victim. You have reached a conclusion, "this is too much" and now you go to the next question, "Now what do I do"?
Good that you are here to let it out and watch the responses. Good you may have the family group available to you after a walk on the beach. If there is a hotline to Al-Anon there call it...then listen for what to do next. ((((hugs)))) in support.
I would listen to my gut and also have a good cry. Crying is very clensing
To the heart and soul.
Face to face meetings are very important I went to them and
Listened and learned for almost two years. You Can absorb the wisdom.
Hopefully you can find a sponsor to help you wade thru the learning curve
Of the program.
It's really a program all about you not them. We get twisted up living with or
Growing up in alcholism or dysfunction. So we do not take care of ourselves
and we do not put ourselves first.
My gut talked to me for the last three years and I still stayed believing things
Would get better. They did not, only worse. More emotional and verbal abuse
And cheating.
You are wise, so wise, in knowing that you need to listen to your intuition. Walking away hurts if you love someone but he has shown you the first step in your future and you need to listen to what your HP is telling you.
Were I you, I would continue to go to meetings and learn from others but first I'd protect myself. Please heed Jerry's advice.
Please don't worry about me. I am safe. I was writing under a different thread but it was getting too long to scroll
through so I thought I'd start a new one. I have been PMing with Grateful2Be and PinkChip and they have been awesome support.
I just feel so sad that it is over now and I can't cry. The walk helped.
I also talked to my A and we are reaching an understanding of sorts that it has to be over.
He put his hand out and asked if we can try again but I couldn't hold his hand back because
I don't want to try anything of the same any more
I feel like I am the one who has been putting in all the work.
Sure I am no angel and not perfect, but he does not own any of his part
in any of this and that is why I think my HP is guiding me to end it....finally. For good.
I can't help but wonder how much of his denial is the disease and how much is attributable
to his personality and beliefs about how relationships should work. He is big on not losing face.
Either way, I know that I can't turn back. On that my head is clear now.
Sending ((hugs)) Thank god for MIP I think I would have not have coped as well without being able to come here.
If you stay you are subjecting you and your loved ones to violence that could end up in death. That is hard to sweep under the carpet. Work your program and gain your strength one day at a time.
I really like the idea of you listening to your intuition. Reality can be tough and I know that I am able to duck it, but when I listen to my inner voice I am amazed at how consistent and loving its advice is. Sending ((((((hugs)))))).
I am glad to see you looking after you. I validate you feeling sad. It's been a long on and off again relationship. You poured a ton of energy into it trying to get it to work. There are parts of him that you do connect to. I'm sure when he's being nice and not totally in his sickness, he probably has some redeemable traits. I do understand how hard it is to make a final break with someone even when you know it's right. It is hard to just stop calling them, stop thinking about them and move on. Especially when you know they are willing to get back together. You can literally kiss and "make up" and then feel better in a way.
I've gotten back together with people after breakups...the result was never good. We always wound up breaking up again and it was for the same reasons we broke up in the first place. For me, grieving the loss of a relationship is temporary. I would take a few months (probably too short in my case I will admit) and then I would start dating again trying to be mindful to NOT pick the same traits I couldn't live with in prior relationships. I got much better at laying down boundaries and interviewing suitors.
So...my suggestions - Take time to process this relationship. Put it in perspective. Get out and make more friends and supports that maybe you have not had time for while with this guy. Then when you are ready and if you want, find a guy that will celebrate you and treat you like a queen. If you are going to have a relationship, let it be a good one. Don't settle. Period.
My experience has been that if a relationship didn't work the first time, it usually isn't going to work the second time around. You have and are doing what appears to be most healthy and loving for you, rainbow. When I divorced myself from living with a man who didn't honor me and mistreated me, I began to feel the hurt that led me to marry him in the first place. Part of the pain I felt was due to our relationship and much of it was due to other things that I had to look at and address with therapists, self-encounter in a controlled environment and program and in Al-Anon. I'd been hurting for a long, long time and it took some time to see the roots of it. The more I focused on me with people who cared about me for me, the less pain I felt and the more peaceful and happy I became. You are wise to see this relationship just isn't what you want and self-loving enough to seek the help you have shared you are pursuing for you.
Rainbow-I can absolutely relate to the broken heart. Mine was also broken with my current A, and with my first marriage to that A. To know that help is available, but the A is in denial, and that everyone could work on getting healthy, but only half the relationship is willing, is just a tragedy. You have my utmost sympathy. Lyne
I think violence is the deal breaker for me. How can you work through that, what kind of program can work within a relationship with violence? It sounds like you would have to tip toe even harder and get used to sweeping even more under the carpet because now you know he is capable of violence. You cant unknow and your body wont let you forget it either. Every time he raises his voice you would be triggered and fearful. Violence Is the ultimate destroyer in my eyes. If hes not taking responsiblity then he wont be seeking help so youve got your answer, its hard but whats the alternative? Alcoholism is progressive and I imagine violence is too.
I learned as I made progress that I could walk into a room of 100 people - only 1 was abusive. I'd go straight to the abusive person. The abuse for me actually began in childhood and the child in me was still trying to be loved by people who didn't have it to give. That had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them being damaged, too. What did have to do with me was the need to understand that I was an adult who could and would thrive in relationships that were mutually inclusive, supportive and honest. As an adult, I also understand that I can now recognize an abusive person and I can go to the other 99 people in the room who are not. Sometimes, it takes me a little longer with some people than with others to see I've put myself on a past road again and when I do, I move away and out. 1,000 people can tell me I'm not seeing what I'm seeing or experiencing what I am experiencing, but I do know the truth for me and I honor it. It appears you also know the truth for you and are moving away from what isn't going to be a loving relationship for you.
Prayers Rainbow You are not alone. ODAT you can walk through this with HP and MIP .
When I am feeling as you do now I remember the song "When You Walk Through a Storm" . It reminded me to walk with "Hope" in my heart and I would never walk alone.
In some ways, letting go of what was is like childbirth to me. It hurts like heck and I wonder for a time what I was thinking when I agreed to undergo this experience. Then, the new life is born and although I can remember the pain, it takes second place to the new life I have helped bring into my existence and circumstances. I have gone through many transitions in my life and I have learned that all of them are equally painful - just like giving birth to a baby. Yet, the memory of what I have gained when I work through to producing that new life helps me continue to breathe, push, rest when I can and trust that there will be an end to the pain and the mess and a new life for me to be awed by and grateful for when the transitional phase of the birthing process is finished. I don't have control over the length of the labor and I can't make the new life appear any sooner than it will, but I do have control over how well I go with the flow of the birthing process. If I fight it, there is more pain. If I surrender to it, there is still pain but it is different and manageable because I am not in resistance to the new life that is wanting and needing to be born.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 8th of October 2014 08:37:59 AM
