The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling better these days in relation to my situation. I have to every day look at this realistically and be open minded. I of course was not happy that my AH now has up to 180 days he has to stay in a 3/4 way house, yet I am feeling more peace as we started our marriage counseling this week, I am allowed to drive us there, I can actually see him anytime I wish too, however I am not going to take advantage of that and just stick to weekends, we are going back to church together so while I am not happy with him continuing to live somewhere else, pay to live somewhere else, while our own home is hanging in the balance, I have to just accept it.
It is extremely confusing in trying to understand that now he is there, has no schedule any longer, can come and go, yet he cannot spend time with me without permission, cannot come home for home visits and he even said it seems a little crazy that the things for his aftercare are all things he could do right from home. There must be some thing they are seeing that is causing concern and they feel he might have a relapse. I guess it's none of my business....that gets me crazy also, it seems that making stuff none of my business, but yet trying to be married is confusing.
Acceptance came to me the other day when I realized that I can't change this latest outcome and accept that it doesn't meet my needs for my marriage in the least, but I can still keep working my program, trudging ahead and making my life as simple, serene and happy as I see fit.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
That must be so hard. I can't even imagine what it's like.
I thought it was reassuring that the person you spoke with at the new place seems so much more aware than the people at the other place.
Could you think about it this way? He might not be matured enough in his recovery to be at home and have more responsibility and to be in a marriage relationship? And maybe the extra time and more counseling will give him a chance to "grow up" more? Somebody maybe doesn't feel he's ready to have his training wheels off?
I think you're doing great. That you can say the A word (Acceptance) says a lot about your recovery.
Thanks for posting.
Hugs, Temple
-- Edited by Temple on Thursday 2nd of October 2014 09:52:42 AM
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
If when he gets out he is a healthier person, the hope would be that it will make things easier for you, ultimately.
And goody for him if/when he gets better. And I'm mostly thinking about you. And hard as it must be, maybe you can have more energy to focus on you, kmowing he's somewhere safe and you get more respite from his day-to-day I don't know whether to call it struggle or issues. Anyway, let's hope the extra time and space will be of service to you.
More hugs
-- Edited by Temple on Thursday 2nd of October 2014 09:56:21 AM
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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Flower, your post was an excellent example of accepting the things you cannot change and changing the things you can. GOOD FOR YOU!! You understand that you cannot change what is going on with your husband at this time, but you can keep trudging ahead and make your life as simple, serene and happy as you see fit.
Great Awareness!
Great Acceptance!
Great Action!
It works if you work it!
-- Edited by cloudyskies on Friday 3rd of October 2014 04:02:20 PM
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Acceptance of what is right in this moment is serenity to me. Not searching my mind for answers that dont exist is peace for me. I had to accept my ex is an alcoholic, he has a disease that means his thinking is defective and in turn his behaviours are not rational. He has never had it in him to be a husband in the way I needed and expect a husband to be. my pain came from desperately trying to get life the way I thought it should be so acceptance Is such a relief for me. Im glad you feel this way too. Now my mind is free to live my own life.
Mind your own business is like saying live and let live. He has his own choices that you cant control, hes gojng to what hes going to do regardless of anything you say or do, and whatever he chooses you will know about it soon enough anyway so your free to look after yourself in all kinds of nice ways. For me, its painting my nails, going to yoga, meeting my pals, saying yes to opportunities that come my way, working on my spiritual heakth through reading and meetings. This all sounds a bit bland or maybe the word is normal. Normal women probably always look after themselves but im pretty new to it.x
Good work on acceptance Flower I finally learned how to accept when I realized that I did not have to like the situation, I just had to know deep within that this was the reality of the situation and that i could not change it.
I was then free to act in my own best interest. I am glad you are doing just that.
I hope I am not saying the wrong thing because I really enjoy your posts and I admire your strength and commitment to your husband and his recovery. Also, I think you should share about whatever is on your mind. So please don't take this as a dig at you. But Flower, since I have been reading your posts I have only heard what you AH is doing. I haven't gotten to know you at all. I know people say that all the time here and I don't mean it like that; I am not questioning your focus I swear.
You shouldn't feel obliged to talk about anything other than what you feel like sharing. I'm just interested to know you, what you like, who you are. I read what is going on with your AH a lot but I don't know anything about you other than what you look like.
I would love to hear a little about you, if you feel like sharing.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi flower. What I am hearing from your posts is similar to how I have been for many years. I don't mean to sound judgemental...I am just saying you sound similar to me that our identities seem to be only about being a wife and mother. I am working on learning how to live by myself with one child. I am trying to be ok with doing things on my own and not needing a companion all the time.
I would love to hear more about you too. What do you do for yourself?
Hi folks! Sorry for the long delay in responding. I was intrigued by meliss and newlife's posts. First, I didn't think my posts were direct solely on what my AH is doing but also on where I am at in the process, how I am handling situations and seeking help with questions and lots of confusion. I am not quite sure what you are looking for as far as getting to know me, so here is a feeble attempt:
I am a mom of two grown children, one is 30 (son) and one (daughter) is 27. One lives in Florida and one with me.
I am a grandma of a beautiful 5 year old grand daughter
I am the oldest of 4 kids in my family. My truest best friend in the world is my youngest sister.
I travel to Florida from Nebraska as often as I can to visit my late-laws and my best baby girl in the world.
I am a huge animal lover and I have two wonderful rescue dogs a chiweenie and a yellow lab. They love me to the moon and back. Whenever possible I volunteer at the local shelter walking, playing, cuddling the animals. If I could I would adopt and foster many more that are in need of a safe, loving home.
I have two aging parents with many health issues and I help them out most days of the week. It's a good thing as I spend many hours with my youngest sister laughing and just being silly. She pushed me as fast as she could in my Dad's wheelchair in the driveway the other day and we hit a bump and fell...it was like our younger days.
I am an avid reader, I read anything and everything I can with the exception of romance novels, not my thing
I work full-time plus and I am fortunate enough to be able to work from home for a huge company
I go to meetings usually twice a week
I have a handful of friends that I found in a treatment center and through Al-anon and I love them dearly
I was widowed at the ripe old age of 30
Friday nights I binge watch Orange is the new black....I simply put down anything to do with recovery on that night and just have mindless time with myself and my dogs
I have a Harley Davidson and was able to ride, but have Lupus and can't handle the weight of the big thing any longer, but I am just as happy being a passenger.
I have been doing things on my own, for myself, by myself and with myself for many years now even though I am married. I am independent and take care of myself. I have not and will not rely on another to take care of me, possibly that is a bad thing to some of you, for me, it's how I like my life to be. I learned at quite a young age to watch out for yourself as no one else will. That should be put into the context of I don't rely on my AH for any financial support, housing support, vehicle support. I am quite direct and open with folks and generally people don't like that or me for that personality trait.
I treat myself to getting my hair done, my fingers and toes done and I love fashionable clothes and shoes. I do as much service work for my Al-anon group, a favorite AA group of mine and also church as I humanly possibly can. I don't sit and dwell on my AH and his issues to often and right now that is much easier to do because he does not live with me, however if and when he ever comes back I hope to not slip into old bad habits. Hope this helps everyone :)
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Thanks, Linda, for sharing what is true about your life and you. I didn't ask and I'm glad others did and you responded. Active, active life. Love the avatar, too, and I'm guessing the smaller of the pairs is granddaughter's feet?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 8th of October 2014 02:54:46 PM
Yes those are the feet of the princess from Frozen herself! My g-baby makes me laugh all the time, she is a huge Disney princess fan, thanks to her Great Grandma and I am proud to report I know every word to every song from that movie. I especially like the one that says "Let it go, let it go, let it goooo, I don't care what they're gonna say!" She face times me regularly to sing that and Jesus loves me this I know, she likes to ensure I don't forget the words.....
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Let it go - the song that after awhile parents plead with the DVD to break on its own and then are willing to go so far as to never take their children to the store again and might even consider fibbing that all the copies of the movie and the song are gone, gone, gone. :^) I'm glad you have not yet felt the same way. Jesus loves me and perhaps "This little light of mine," too? I truly do treasure that you take such great delight in your grandbaby and may be helping her become a talented vocalist by listening to her and beaming like any proud Grand-momma would.
Hi Linda, it is certainly a pleasure to meet you. As I read through your post and heard the truth about you , I was struck by your strength , your kindness , your generosity, determination, commitment and love of life. What tremendous assets you possess.
Before you go to visit your partner or speak to him on the phone, I suggest you reread this introduction as to whom you are, and what you're capable of so you can stay detached within your own truth and know you are a valuable person that he is fortunate to even know.
Thanks for taking the time to share
Thank you for your kind words. I try my hardest to remind myself of all that is good about me when I speak to him, but if you asked him the same question he wouldn't be able to answer anything about me like I just did.....I can now kind of laugh about that.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
There truly is nothing finer in life than to hear a little 5 year old girl sing at the top of her lungs Let go, she is growing her hair out as well to look just like Rapunzel, but she cried the other day because her Mommie wouldn't let her color it red and so she might not be able to be Rapunzel as her hair is the wrong color, however she did note that she looks a lot like Jasmin from Aladdin and they have the same name so maybe that is what she will be when she gets to 7......how can you not love that simple reasoning.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Aw, love the toe nails. Also enjoyed reading about you and your life, sounds great. I cant wait until im a granny, might be a while yet though. Thanks for sharing.
Enjoyed how Rapunzel -when thwarted apparently by no red hair dye - went to Plan B with Jasmine from Aladdin. Love the attitude! Singing at the top of her lungs - cute, cute, cute! Frankly, as grandparents - is there anything they do that we don't think is good? Perfect? Cute? Precocious? Stupendous? The Best? Over the Top! Amazing?
Thanks for letting us get to know you! What's interesting to me now is you sound like someone else! I need to catch up on Orange is the new black. What a crazy show. But good.
You sound very independent and busy. That's great!! And...I am so jealous you get to work from home. That's been a dream of mine.
