Sarcasm, silencing, shunning, scorn - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

RE: Sarcasm, silencing, shunning, scorn

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Well he is not to happy when I say "Can I finish what I was saying", and I say it very calmly and non-threateningly .... usually while he is still talking, which kinda breaks his train of thought. Never did that before, but then I am using all the Al-Anon tools and working the steps and have regained so much of my self confidence that I feel that regaining some self respect is so so necessary at this point. Glad to be able to share with you!!!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile Using those tools can certainly surprise us in positive ways, can't it? Good for you, Debb.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

It's taken me some time to get my head around this topic, but it's something that I do too, have done and have had and am having done to me still, and It is my understanding that lack of healthy communication plays a huge part in this also, my husband is not confrontational he goes along with most everything and then holds huge resentments, when I finally crack and try to hold him accountable his true feelings on things spew out and I am always astonished how he could have felt that way and never voiced it at the time, I too have accepted unacceptable behaviour to keep the peace but eventually that all becomes too much for me and I crack, I really don't like sarcasm or shunning it's a wicked cruel form of abuse and very damaging, I have been a boundryless person for the most part and now that I am standing up for myself it's brought another form of wrath, I am asking for respect trying to convey that sarcasm silencing and shunning and scorn do not bring the best out in a me, but your asking how do I deal with it? Not very well at all because I think I am trying to be a healthier person now and I am acknowledging that I have made huge mistakes and that yes I have and still am party to some very bad behaviours that I don't like don't enjoy but it's coming from frustration within me because I cannot operate like i used too within a couple unless we are both open to change.

I think a choice I may have to make is to leave my husband completely.

love

Katy

x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

(((K))) As you continue to work the program, my hope for you is that you will begin to experience yourself as loving and loved. You have a very beautiful soul as I see it on this board. Perhaps there will come a time when you do leave him again and won't return? I don't know. I don't have a crystal ball. What I do know is that everyone affected by this awful disease can treat themselves with gentleness and care and make changes that fit them and add to their quality of life. Sending you loads of appreciation, encouragement and support as you continue to work the program for yourself.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Kathy Your honesty is refreshing. No need to think about leaving right now Just keep showing up and using your new alanon tools.

This program works because of how similar we all are That is why we are asked to identify and not compare or blame. This thought was reiterated in today's C2C . it states that we are all human even though we have unique characteristics we have many similarities. The quote at the bottom of the page compares are human in the the the body and the many parts of the body.

I believe that we respond in many destructive ways because of our similarity and until we see how destructive the behavior is to ourselves as well as others we continue to behave in this fashion. In working the program we become willing to take our alanon tools, ask HP to lift the negative so that we can uncover our true selves which is filled with serenity, courage, wisdom , compassion, understanding, empathy.

Don't leave before the miracle . Keep on practicing the program and trust the process.

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Katy, I understand what you are saying, it is difficult to have a relationship with someone who harbors so many resentments for such long periods of time and then have to sit and hear them come at you and you had no idea that they even existed!!! I use to question myself after AH would have one of his hissy fits and spew all these resentments and accusations at me, where was I all this time, how did I not know that I was doing so many things so wrong?! Well I have learned through Al-Anon that those resentments and complaints are the CHAOS (notice I capitalized the word (smiles)), the chaos enables them to further justify their reason to continue to drink. Now I just don't buy into the chaos anymore, I let all the complaining and resentment go in one ear and out the other, and take one day at a time!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.