Resentment, honesty, and fear - Al-Anon Family Group

NL14 · Veteran Member

Resentment, honesty, and fear

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi NL14. I am also working in The Blueprint for Progress, Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory. It's been difficult for me. I'm working it slowly, bit by bit. You sound so positive, and I am so happy for you. I'm praying all goes well at the lawyers. Resentments---I'll think I have come to terms with mine, then low and behold, some kind of slip back in without me knowing it until they began to fester up like a sore. I guess that's why this is a life long progress. smile

take care of you and do something nice for yourself.

It works if you work it.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow! Wow! Wow! This is so powerful! Thank you for the share. I loved this read and see so much hope for you. Moving away from people pleasing, being vague in your dealings with others, refusing to discuss issues when they arise - all rooted in fear and yes, very, very toxic. Not just for the person imprisoned by fear but for those people in their company. I am delighted that not only have you discovered the fear that has created the resentments, it sounds as if you have also discovered yourself and want to risk that self in relationship with others and let the chips where they fall! Wonderful!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Work NL The Blueprint for Progress is a fantastic tool and one that helped me to find myself and accept my humanity.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Progress. We are here for you!!!

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Great reminder to identify and process anger and resentments through step 4. I needed this reminder today.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I used that same book with my sponsor and it was so eye opening for me. I am glad you are growing through al-anon and find yourself to be worthy! Sending you love and support on your journey!

NL14 · Veteran Member

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. This is such a hard, hard process. Yesterday I felt positive and strong, today after meeting with the lawyer I feel like all the energy has been sucked out of me. Not because I got bad news, or news I wasn't expectingshe pretty much confirmed what I was thinking in terms of the process, my rights, what would be reasonable to expect, custody, etc., so that was all goodbut because while I feel one step closer to getting on with my life in some ways, I'm just as afraid to do it in other ways. I know this "stuck" feeling is because because I'm not "ready" for one reason or another, but I wish I'd just hurry up and get ready. I just feel sick inside today, and so deeply sad.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Like anything, some days will be better than others... ultimately, there will be more and more clarity for what is right for you. Moving forward and out of any comfort zone can feel scary, but I've also learned to sit with the feelings and evaluate if my decisions were good even if it didn't feel great. I've noticed, given some time, bad feelings pass. Letting go of dreams is a process and so is creating new ones. Trust that you'll do what is right for you when you are ready- whatever this means for you. (((Hugs)))

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

NL14 wrote:
I've lived on it over the years. And as I've looked at myself in Al-Anon, in therapy, in meditation, here, I've seen that for me, resentment is directly linked to an inability to be honest with myself or my various As, and that dishonesty is linked directly to fear. As a child, I was afraid to express myself honestly--or to be my true self--for fear of my father's temper, for fear of losing his already doubtful love, for fear of hurting my weak, A mother. As an adult, I've been afraid to express myself honestly--or be my true self--for fear of my husband's temper, and of "causing" one of his black moods. Instead of being truthful and true, I've been evasive and self-protective. And, I've never expressed any anger or unhappiness or criticism...instead letting my feelings harden under the surface into resentment.

Hi NL,

Have you been copying off my paper in class? In therapy the other night I was just realizing how I am able to walk on eggshells so well around my AW's anger because of a very similar childhood. No A mother, but still very weak compared to Dad, who was reliable, yet emotionally stunted. Walking on eggshells is just one symptom of being afraid to express oneself honestly.

Thanks so much for your post, it's so good to hear open and honest and deep thoughts from people about this. I need to do the same myself, another symptom of my fear is being afraid to go down to any emotional level below superficial.

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think your post shows great awareness and it takes courage to look within, I believe progress cant be made without it. Resentment seems to go hand in hand with living with alcoholism and I agree it is linked with not being able to be honest, for me it was also due to my denial of reality. Iwouldnt look at the truth, the truth was terrifying. I remember feeling it lurking about amd now and again a crisis would force me to look at what was going on but my fear and denial swept it under the rug and tidied it up in my mind and it was all lies. It allowed me to continue in pretence without making changes.

Since becoming a member of alanon I have embraced the truth in many ways. I like reality and the truth, for me its like layers though because I see that ive peeled back parts of me and saw me for the first time but i thought I was done. Recently, ive got the feeling that im not done. Theres more to look at and see but its at a deeper level so I need more courage to delve in again. Ive used the blueprint shortcomings and asset sheet before, its time to use it again.

My suggestion would be to keep on doing what your doing, ask your higher power to help you with the decisions you are making. You may get the help you need and it may be much easier than you think.

NL14 · Veteran Member

Thanks you Bud, Kenny, and El-Cee. Your words are so wise (and I'm constantly amazed at the wisdom of everyone on this board!). I keep telling myself that this too shall pass, that nothing is permanent, that "reality" isn't necessarily real. And yet, I feel shaky all the time. AH rarely confronts his feelings, and either he's picking up on mine right now or is just in a depressed/angry mood, because he hasn't been talking to me for the past several days. This makes me insane. Every instinct in my body tells me to smooth it all over, make nice, try to cheer him up (as I have been doing for 24 years)--because there's nothing that throws me off kilter or makes me more miserable than having someone "mad" at me. It think, when it comes right down to it, that's the reason I haven't make the break from him. I can't bear to have everyone angry at me, or think I did something wrong. I don't want to be the bad guy. Being "perfect" became so important to me as an adult (after feeling so deeply imperfect as a child) that I just can't let it go. I always have to be in the right. Always have to be the "good" one. That's the step that's going to lead to my real recoverywhen I get to the point at which I no longer worry about being considered right or good, and just have the courage to be real, true, myself.

I am praying for support and guidance. A while back on this board I read someone else's prayer, "God, give me the courage to take care of myself." I ask for that every day. I haven't gotten there yet, but the asking builds a little more courage all the time.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can remember being part of a group that contained one member who exuded hostility from her seat in the room. I'd catch myself wondering what I'd done to contribute to her hostile moods and behavior. One day, as I sat with the members of this group, I realized that her hostility was something that I didn't cause, couldn't control and couldn't cure and I also noticed that my own feelings towards her included some resentment of being treated like an enemy (as were the others in our group). My expectation was to be treated well by everyone in the membership and when that didn't happen, I felt angry and that anger become a resentment that I was able to simply drop. Later, our group learned that she wanted to divorce her husband and resented all of us because we all met in their house and that wasn't to her liking. Her hostility truly was her problem and for awhile I took it personally. Recognizing my own anger and resentment and the reason for it helped me release myself from wanting her to be any different than she was or blaming myself for her very palpable hostility which was on her and not me. I also noted I didn't like being in the presence of a person who was consistently hostile and chose to focus my attention and time with the others in our group who were warm and receptive rather than silently punitive. As a child, I really had no way of removing myself from that type of behavior. As an adult, I saw I had choices and my healthier choice was to focus on myself, my attitudes, my feelings and expectations, and who I wanted to spend my time and energy with and on. I wasn't her counselor. It wasn't my job to figure out why she behaved the way she was behaving. It was my job to notice how I was feeling about it and make the changes I could make that were healing for me. She finally did what she needed to do for her and left our group and the rest of us remained friends. Last I heard, she was still acting out in that same old hostile and punitive way even though she had completely changed all her associations and has aged as the rest of us have for the past 25 years. It didn't matter what we did or didn't do. This member would have remained hostile in our company as she did outside of it. I think that is the difference between people who enter a recovery program and those who don't. Your loved one may continue his hostile, punitive behavior but you are on a path of discovery and healing that will help you move beyond alcoholism's affect on you.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 4th of October 2014 08:22:40 AM

NL14 · Veteran Member

Grateful, thank you for this response. I needed to read this. I know, rationally, that I've done nothing to cause his silence, his mood, and that it's not my responsibility to diagnose it or fix it. But, I have a hard time feeling that way. And, I'm working on detaching. Focusing on myself and not on him. Pretty soon, I'll be ready to detach completely, but there are some things that need to get worked out with his job before I feel I can do that. Not much longer, God willing.

SunshineGirl · Senior Member

Thank you everyone for this thread. I learned to walk on egg shells as a child with a physically violent and verbally abusive dry A mother. I recreated this throughout my life.

No more.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You've come a long way. You're right where you need to be. And it is getting and will keep getting better for you. 25 years from now, he may still be active and bitter. I can see that will not be true for you with continued work in the program. You are truly an MIP.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.