This is a moan about A and his behaviour in our final days. Sorry, some whinging and sarcasm contained within... - Al-Anon Family Group

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a moan about A and his behaviour in our final days. Sorry, some whinging and sarcasm contained within...

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Perhaps you'll find the right place for you and your daughter while he's gone and you can start the moving process without him knowing where you are going or when? Just a thought.

Luiza · Senior Member

I understand. Sometimes it feels like STBX was abducted by aliens and somebody else put in his place. All the qualities I loved about him are not there anymore, in fact he is showing me the opposite of everything good that ge used to be/do. I wonder if he ever had all those good traits in the first place or it was me making up good things about him in my head to compensate for his bad behaviour? eg: I always thought he was very generous with money. In reality he is immature and irresponsible when dealing with finances (and everything else) nothing to do with generosity....maybe....I dont know. I just know that the past is in the past and doesnt matter.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

MsM I love your heart but think that possibly by helping him look for a place or responding to his" finds" on line that you are giving him mixed messages to his confused brain. I know it is hard, but keeping the focus on finding a place for you and your daughter , packing up and moving yourself must be your primary objective.
I will pray for a successful outcome for you all. l

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

I haven't responded Betty I have told him no to each request to fill out forms, or make calls or anything of that nature and he has thrown a tantrum each time which i have also gritted my teeth and ignored. He was with me when the agent mentioned the house open for inspection today so there wasn't a reasonable way to say he couldn't attend. I wanted to see it. I have told him repeatedly that I am not going to live with him again, he just doesn't want to hear it.

You are right Luiza, the past doesn't matter but I guess that we have arrived at the crossroads now and I'd like to let the few happy memories be what they are and stop this endless grieving and wishing he would come back. It makes me feel a bit more comfortable to acknowledge the things I used to love; it wasn't always awful.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad it helps to put those thoughts 'out there.' I can completely relate to the confused thinking but we are growing and learning! I'm right there with you Melly, because we're worth it!!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

From my perspective, all of these responses are to be expected given the conditions you have been living in with him. Of course there are stirrings and pleasant memories mingled in with the horrid realities. I agree with Betty. Be mindful of not engaging with him and stay focused on what is best for you and your daughter. It was good that you brought this stuff here so you could process with us.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Melly, that didn't sound confusing at all. At least the part where you explained what you were thinking. And he probably will go off and find some other nice codependent girl back in his hometown this weekend to glom on to. Who knows? I think it's good you reason this stuff out, and that you can then put the focus back on you.

Kenny

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Oops, I misunderstood about his engaging you to help him. I a glad you are staying clean aww

Luiza · Senior Member

Yes I know. I have been trying so hard to hold on to the good in him and the good memories and the friendly relatioship we could have in the future for our daughter's sake. Unfortunetely he is not in the same frame of mind as I am and he is making what I want ti do a mission impossible. It is hard.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

I think the same as Kenny - he's out partying and hunting for his next mommy, sorry you are going through it though - it will be nice when it is done and you are free.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

lol lmh when you say that I envision him putting on his cape and going out to rescue the next deeply codependent girl by driving her mad until she can take no more and crawls through the doors of al-anon...
I was sick long before I met him and completely sure that my only happiness could be found by making someone else love me and depend on me. If I hadn't been with someone who is this abusive, insane and childish would I have ever found the gifts I now have? Probably not. In a way he did rescue me. Weird huh, lol.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds as if you have a whole lot of awareness going on. Of course if he does pick up some unfortunate girl at this party it is not the old him that you loved doing it, it is the zombie corpse version looking for someone to feed off of.

But I remember reading in Toby Rice Drews that "Alcoholics aren't that easy to get rid of" and I suspect this one may not be that easy either.

My guess is that his favorite characteristic in women just now is that they have a place he can move into and mooch off of. It could be a miserable 105-year-old woman who lives in a gingerbread cottage and eats Hansel and Gretel for a living, but if she had a spare sofa, he would soon be dropping hints about "Someone appreciates me."

But how far you have come! And you are going all the way to health and freedom.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the validation people. I was feeling pretty icky about a lot of these thoughts and feelings and now I don't...I guess that's part of how it works though...
(((everyone)))

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I totally understand. My AH is treating me worse lately too. It's very depressing. I have to ask you...not trying to be harsh...but why in the world would you bring him with you to look at a house? He will ruin any chances you have of finding a place.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 11:36:40 AM

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate and when the end of my 15 year relationship with the exAH was happening I was mourning the good things about him and just the idea of him and all that was in my head at the time. It took a couple years to grow and look back to see how unhealthy the relationship really was and it was a great thing that I out grew him and I am now teaching my daughters not to put up with so many of the abuses and dysfunction we kept alive together. It was one of the best years of my life, living on my own and growing towards having a high self-esteem and self-worth. I really started taking good care of me and loving myself and even more liking myself maybe for the first time ever. I would never let anyone treat me poorly or even trust anyone who didn't take good care of or love themselves now. I have sloughed off so many layers of family dysfunction and as I become aware, I start working on the next layer. I believe this life is about progress not perfection and that has taken a load off, since trying to make everything look perfect is really hard. I now put my energies into people and things that feed me in a positive way and with my overflow I try to give back with the little time I have. I already see you growing in leaps and bounds and giving back so much here at MIP. You are a gift and I love to hear you being open and vulnerable. Sending you much love and support on your journey!

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

NLG there was no way for me to prevent him from attending an inspection, it was open to the public.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks BF, you are an inspiration to me you know

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When you do find a place, it is going to take strength to either not let him know where it is, and if he finds you, to not let him in. He would be the type to find you and make himself at home without permission.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Yep. Travelled that road already Pink. When he moved into my flat 6 years ago and began this nightmare I told him I thought it was a bad idea, it couldn't be for more than a couple of months, I had decided when my marriage ended that I never wanted to feel like I had to argue about how I lived in my own home with anyone again, I didn't want to ruin our relationship with petty co-habitation arguments, and so on. I'v already seen the ways in which he minimises and reassures and does what he wants anyway...and then to cap it off tells me it's my fault and he "never wanted to live with me and just did it because I begged him to" ????
Wide awake, and thinking a living situation with another person in the house in the beginning might be the best deterrent. Even if it means subsidising my sister for a while or something like that. Since I haven't found a place I'm thinking going to my mothers just for a couple of weeks might also be the trick because he can't follow me there. It might be worth the pain. I can find positives in the situation and work those to my best interests. I'm getting used to the idea that this isn't going to just be a simple move down the road this time.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

missmeliss wrote:
NLG there was no way for me to prevent him from attending an inspection, it was open to the public.

How did he get there? You drove him right?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am going to give you my perspective on this. I would never take him when you are meeting with an agent about finding a home. The reason is, no matter what you say, she is now thinking you are not serious and will allow him back. I mean after all there you were with him.

Seeing this, I would not rent to you. Just my thoughts!

I am glad you vented. i know for me it makes it more real. I do relate too. It was so sad when my AH smelled. Broke my heart

Just keep going hon, you are right, he is not the man you fell in love with. It hurts, been there too, it looks like you are beginning to believe it as well as know it. That is a big step.

Sending you love and good thoughts, debilyn

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Newlife girl wrote:
missmeliss wrote:
NLG there was no way for me to prevent him from attending an inspection, it was open to the public.
How did he get there? You drove him right?

NLG he was drinking so I wasn't keen to argue with him or try to lock him out of the car. He's not exactly stable or normal lately. Also, the house was about a 5 minute walk away and I only drove because it was raining heavily. He would have shown up anyway but drunk, wet and angry. And the house was too expensive anyway and I really only went to look out of sheer curiosity so I didn't care that much. In fact it was probably to my benefit as i had been trying to explain to the agent the day prior that I pay my rent regularly but unfortunately A has been 'on hard times" and not been able to keep up his share. So I had it in mind that it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if she saw him in his natural state. I have already told her I am looking for a place just for daughter and myself. I mentioned this earlier. Anyway I was trying to make sense of my emotions not get tied up and upset trying to justify myself.

-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 12:52:32 PM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

One thing is that all kinds of new situations are presenting themselves that you haven't been though with this A trying to glom on to you before. So I would imagine lots of situations will arise where you have to do some quick thinking as to how to handle his glomminess. Maybe sometimes things won't go as planned and you'll have to resort to Plan B or C. But you're heading in the right direction and will get there sure enough, even with this A trying to trip you up (and "help," like offering to fake having a job, what a plan!). You're obviously out there being energetic and that is bound to pay off. And now you see how much energy he has in trying to glom on. If only they could turn that energy to helping themselves, right? But it's clear to me that you're marching on even though you have this guy stuck to your shoe like something nasty and sticky.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, I relate to what your saying. I used to dream about my ex with another woman and this other woman was always stronger than me and she got him sorted out and it was all my fault that he was as bad as he was. I understand this. Its hard to let go and the denial is strong and has us believe that were not really worthy of this person then when the denial lifts we see the truth and its nothing like we thought and its sad. Grief is a process that can take a long time and i think its good to feel it and acknowledge it. I felt so let down for a long time. I thought my ex was a strong man, too good for me, the perfect father. When I woke up and really saw him it was heartbreaking, he was weak and sick and he had always been and everything I thought about him was a fantasy and I felt sad for myself and my kids and him in a way. It done damage, this fantasy and im still living with the consequences, my kids are affected by the consequences. I stopped being scared of another woman when I realised the same as you that there is no way a healthy woman would go near him and if he does get a woman then good luck to them both. I actualky do wish him well now and thats only through forgiveness. Thank you for sharing, its my story also.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

MissMeliss, I am thanking God you are now a girl who values herself. That is a journey in itself. Miracles!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry for your situation. You can take what you like and leave the rest when I say this...If it was me...which it wasn't...and I don't walk in your shoes...I would have kept him from getting into the car. Could he have really found the house while drunk and walking in the rain? It just seemed to have caused you more public embarrassment...which it sounds like you've had a lot of. Even though you didn't really want the house...having him there didn't sound like fun. I remember one time my AH been drinking and the left over smell was still strong on his breath. We were at the mall and I was humiliated. Luckily, he hardly ever went out in public when he was really drunk. We all have different types of crazy experiences with these life sucking, mentally draining people. We all deserve better.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn wrote:
I am going to give you my perspective on this. I would never take him when you are meeting with an agent about finding a home. The reason is, no matter what you say, she is now thinking you are not serious and will allow him back. I mean after all there you were with him.
Seeing this, I would not rent to you. Just my thoughts!
I am glad you vented. i know for me it makes it more real. I do relate too. It was so sad when my AH smelled. Broke my heart
Just keep going hon, you are right, he is not the man you fell in love with. It hurts, been there too, it looks like you are beginning to believe it as well as know it. That is a big step.
Sending you love and good thoughts, debilyn

I agree with you Debilyn. Any house you take him to, the agent will figure you are going to live with him because he is with you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

In my experience, the closer I got to freedom, the more stumbling blocks my disease put in my way. I never talked over with my x what I was considering. He never saw my plan coming. So, he couldn't interfere with anything. It was my disease interfering with my own walk out of hell into new life although I wasn't sure what that life would be. When I was clear in my head that living with him was no longer a viable option, I looked for my break and took it. If he's leaving this weekend, Melly, you can be gone before he gets back - even if that means going to your Mom's house if that feels do-able to you or a shelter might even be better because he'd have no clue where you are. Perhaps your friend who is a counselor will cat and dog sit for you if you enter a shelter with your daughter and find a place in the town where your new job is to be? Your daughter can take some of her favorite things with her and you, too. The rest of it is just stuff that you don't need and can leave behind if you choose. The less you take with you, the easier this journey can be for you.

I know you owe back rent and I do think you will have to make amends for this when you can do it. I paid off every debt I had and some of those debts I had to pay later than it was expected and I paid it. I made a promise to myself that I kept - that no one would go unpaid no matter how long it took me to pay them back. We can only do what we can with what we have to work with at the time. When we have more, we do more if we are people of integrity and you are, Melly. Save yourself and your daughter. That is number 1.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 02:50:39 PM

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks all. I appreciate the perspectives and suggestions. I think I am making informed choices and I feel confident in the way I am proceeding with the physical details. Where I feel unsure is the final dissolution of the relationship; it feels alright at the moment but I am so very wary of making the break and being suddenly sad, sick and full of regret so it's important for me to talk out what i am doing and not push any miserable feelings into the dark where they can resurface later. One of the big factors in me staying for so long has been the fear of the pain and sadness I used to feel during break-ups and alone times. Any time I have found myself single in the past I have become morose, sick, and not capable of functioning and it has lasted for really prolonged periods of time no matter how hard I have tried to talk myself around. When my daughter's father left me I was physically sick and shaky for an entire year until I met ABF and became able to function "normally" again. So I am being super mindful about keeping myself positive and confident in my decisions because I think what i fear most of all is that sick sad unwanted feeling coming back. So that's why I'm posting and talking through stuff a fair bit just now as everything changes. I think i fear my own depression more than just about anything on earth and making sure I am well equipped and steadfast in my thinking is paramount to me just now and I am doing the one thing that has guaranteed me misery, sickness and depression in the past. I know it won't be that way this time but it's still really very scary territory to be walking into.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

But youve got tools now that you never had, youve got us here. Your not alone anymore. Think about the peace, the quiet, the lack of drama and noise and mess and fear and horrible smells. Your older, wiser, healthier remember. Those old reactions to loss come from your own disease that you are recovering from. So, I would put momey on you not having the feelings you once experienced. The old belief systems, for me werent based on facts only on feelings. You have the ability to reason things out now. Rational thought wont let you sink too far the way you did. Trust your progress.x

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I know, Melly, exactly what you are describing. I experienced the same after I did what I needed to do to save myself and my children from a fate that could be worse than the feelings I experienced. The difference that I see for you now versus when you were younger is that you have Al-Anon support, you are older, you know yourself much better, and you have more coping skills than you did 8 years ago. You also have a better sense of what you want and what you don't want. You have also spent a lot of time grieving what was, what you hoped would be and the ways you allowed his maltreatment of you and the reasons for it. Those are all things that can enter into a brighter future for you and are also strengths that will help you weather the "in between time" that does happen in any transitional phase of life for any of us open to growing. Your fears are valid and I also see that you have coping skills that you have developed that will help you do what you need to do for you.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your on the last hurdle now, freedom is right round the corner. Of course its scary and feels like a leap into the unknown. Ive done it and its the best thing iveever done for myself and my kids. Your daughter is going to watch this brave mother of hers and remember the lesson and how to break away from what wasnt good for her.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I know what you mean. I went through awful times with my ex...now I am currently feeling similar feelings to what I felt in my first divorce. I am going to a divorce support group. It helps. Maybe there's one you could look into? Or a forum online specifically dealing with separation? Also coming here of course will help...I just found I needed extra support groups. I always try to remind myself that I have a HP whom is with me. I still have ups and downs about moving out...but I know it is the best and safest thing to do for me and my kids. It also helped me to journal about all the crazy things AH did and continues to do. Then I have a reference book to go back to in case I forget why I left! Sometimes we just have to go through the emotions of separation. They are normal. But if it gets too bad, we can get help from a doctor if we need medication for depression. Just think about the peace a quiet. No drama. No chaos. A little teenage daughter and mom drama is better drama than alcoholic drama. And your daughter will respect you so much more...trust me..I saw the change in my teenage daughters.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

That's what I am hoping

lol I almost feel like i am about to jump out of a plane to be honest. One of those things that's terrifying, then exhillerating and then afterwards you wonder why you were ever afraid in the first place. Well that's how I hope it is going to go

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

That's part of how you described driving and why you couldn't do it. Then, you did it. Driving really is about taking control of your life back as is moving into your own place without him knowing where you are and moving on. The gift for you is that you don't have a child in common and there is no reason at all to stay connected to him.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand those fears. You are wise and courageous to share them here and it says a lot for the safety of this community. Prayers, Melly.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand those fears too melly. It is scary to let a relationship go...even a bad one. When I did the steps and inventoried my fears, being alone was my number one fear. I have really had to work on that one but doing so has given me much greater freedom and a better relationship with my hp. It was scary to have my own place. I slept with the TV on for months. I am glad I did it though. I know I will be fine if I have to be on my own again. I don't "need" chuck. I am free to want him.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.