The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I used to be an active AFG member, but stopped going to meetings once I relocated to a new state. I tried a few times but was not a huge fan of how differently the meetings were run. Regardless, I'm seeking help and looking to get back into the program. My AH, who I thought had a healthy foot in recovery with over 21 months of sobriety, recently relapsed. The first time happened right after a stressful vacation with his family where there had been some drinking. He struggles with depression and anxiety and had been feeling crappy about several life things at the same time. I was blindsided by the relapse, though now I know he had really trickled off in going to meetings - attending maybe monthly.
Anyway, one of the things that was causing him stress/depression was his employment status. Underemployed with a Master's degree and had been job hunting for a long time. Ironically, the day after his relapse, he got a call for an interview for a dream job. He successfully landed dream job despite several more "slips" over the 2 or 3 weeks it took to get hired. Today is his first day and the stress of the last several weeks is really catching up with me. I'm proud and happy for him getting hired, but obviously worry about such a huge change during a time when he's not mentally healthy.
I realize I'm turning into fixer mode. I'm looking for outpatient treatment programs or counseling he can complete without interrupting his new work schedule. I'm skeptical of his assertion that he can get through this by going to meetings 3-4 days a week. I feel like the dreams I had - having a 2nd child, buying a new house and/or car - have been ripped away. I don't understand how my prayers about having more financial stability have been answered, but this nightmare of drinking has returned.
I know I should get back to in-person meetings, but there have been some constraints. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be appreciated.
Welcome to MIP. I'm sorry your husband has relapsed. Stress isn't a reason to drink. Drinking only increases stress. I can understand wanting to go into fixer mode, too. Given the reality that his recovery is his issue and he knows what to do and where to go for help, I applaud your understanding that getting back to in person meetings for yourself is an option that may not help him recover and it will help you. 21 months is a good start in the program and it is also a one day at a time disease that is only arrested and never controllable or curable. Relapse is a very real possibility for an A and those of us in Al-Anon can relapse, too. We can't make the drinker recover or do what we think they should do to handle their disease. We can do what we can do to handle the effects of it on us.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 29th of September 2014 01:24:25 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 29th of September 2014 01:26:01 PM
I am new to this board too but not to the disease of alcoholism/drug addiction. Fortunately, I am in my 31st year of recovery as is my husband. I am not saying this to brag but to give hope that it is possible. With the help of Al-Anon for myself and AA for my husband plus guidance from a very knowledgeable chemical dependency counselor, we both traveled the steps to recovery and were successful. My experience is that it takes help from any resource that is available to beat this disease and enter in the steps to recovery. I followed the Al-Anon steps and the warm, helpful sharing from the members and this gave me the strength to move forward from my "job" of enabler. When I learned from another Al-Anon member that the counselor she saw could give specific information about the disease and guided assistance, I took a chance and it saved my life. The first thing I learned is that alcoholism/drug addiction is a predictable disease as is the recovery if the afflicted understand the process. My husband had joined AA and was 2 years into the program but I felt "something was still not right". I suspected he was still using "something". Discussing my suspicions with the counselor supported my feelings. Going through the history of drinking and where our lives were now, she was able to pinpoint just exactly where we were in the process of pre-recovery. The key:Recovery Depends on Honesty is the rule governing the entire process. Then knowing that, accepting the fact that there is a need for treatment is critical. I will list the Recovery Process for the Co-Dependent and the Addicted below and hope this clarifies what I learned that was a lifesaver.
Co-Addiction: There are Five phases and approximately 2 years for the first four phases parallels that of addiction. Phase I:Admission- 10-90 days-Two parts: 1. Admitting to loved one of being addicted 2. Admitting to being affected - Shock-Relief-Euphoria-Denial. Phase II:Compliance - 6-9 months with the first 30 days most intense and latter part fairly comfortable: Has to acknowledge to self the continued wanting the addicted person to stay sober. Difficulty continuing belief in addiction since the addicted person is not using/drinking but acting the same. Anger increases (for every member of the family) - more than during use. Tiredness, confusion, intensity of feelings, difficulty concentrating, difficulty motivating; hyperactivity and agitation, sometimes. Begins to develop sense of self in latter part of phase. Phase III:Acceptance- 6-9 months: Four parts - 1. Accepting addiction occurred because of use. 2. Acceptiing self as not causing addiction. 3. Accepting they cannot "fix it". 4. Accepting they can have a life of own - with or without the addicted person. Generally the co is comfortable but some sadness and a need to cry, especially if the addicted person has not continued Recovery and divorce is necessary. Divorce proceedings can be started, if needed. Phase IV: Surrender- 18-24 months into Recovery: Several areas: Responsibility for others, old learnings about personal roles, old hurts and angers, the past. Phase V : Reconstruction- Ongoing Compassion develops in this phase.
Addiction: There are Five Phases-approximately 2 years for the first four phases. Phase I: Admission-10-90 days-Admitting to the addiction, Shock, Relief, Euphoria, Denial- The desire to drink will return in about 6 months. Phase II:-Compliance-6-9 months with the first 30 days most intense - Not using for outside reason, Dry Drunk - desire to use returns. Anger increases, more than while using, Tiredness, confusion, numbness of feelings, difficulty concentrating, inability to motivate. Hyperactivity and agitation/difficulty sleeping, little or no interest in sex. Phase III: Acceptance-6-9 months: Two parts- 1. Acceptance of addiction. 2. Acceptance of living without chemicals. Most of the time is quite comfortable. At 9-14 months after use stops brief period of emotional turmoil unrelated to current living environment. Guilt surfaces at this time. Phase IV: Surrender- 6-12 weeks - Period of intense desire to use (preoccupied with use) and person will be aware of all the reasons used for drinking needing to be released. Intense turmoil and confusion. Phase V: Reconstruction - Ongoing -building life in healthy fashion; family relationships good, career may take off in positive fashion/ insight develops.
I guess the most important point in learning the "new information" of the Recovery Process was the enlightenment it presented. It helped me absorb what would be going on in my life at certain phases before it occurred and during the occurrence and led to my understanding that I was not crazy for feeling the way I did. And..my husband's knowing the same information about the phases he would experience gave him stability and validation and "stick-to-it-ness" for him to continue in the process with the support of AA and Al-Anon for me.
Welcome to the board! I had new information to think about from the other post and got distracted.
I never did have that second child. I wasn't even aware that husband was an alcoholic until she was almost 13, but I knew he didn't treat me right during the first trimester when we drove 600 miles to visit my parents and he wouldn't stop as often as I needed for pit stops. I didn't have the gumption to leave, but I wasn't going to bring another baby into the mix. And I'm glad I didn't.
Good luck!
Temple
-- Edited by Temple on Tuesday 30th of September 2014 01:02:13 PM
__________________
It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread. --Gray Charles
Thank you for your response, Temple, and your compliment. I think I may have "jumped the gun" by delving into the recovery process "right off the bat". My reasoning behind that information was that when a person admits that there is a problem and does something to solve it, it is a positive response. When my husband joined AA, that was a positive step, for both of us and the family. However, his continuing to use drugs ambushed him in the recovery process. Not until he gave them up completely and honestly participated in the AA program, did he start to recover. The action of the drugs on his "sobriety" was that when he was not drinking, the desire to use returned which he dealt with by using drugs rather than alcohol. The craving overpowered him. When he learned what he would experience in recovery, he could see that the desire to use would return but since he was committed to his recovery, he knew what to do instead of using. He was aware when the craving returned and was ready to combat it. He had the tools to get over that hump. So when a person who has been sober for many days or months has a slip or relapses, it is probably because of the craving returning but knowing how to deal with it before it overcomes him/her is what "saves the day" so to speak. The more "new information" a co-dependent or alcoholic/addict has in their arsenal, the better it is to understand what is going on in their lives, just exactly what to expect and how to approach it. It is wise to gather all the "new" information one can, even before the recovery process begins and this especially helpful for the co. I will leave you with that thought for today. Only "one day at a time".
Welcome Carolina, I know how extremely disappointing it is to experience a relapse in a loved one. I'm glad that you shared your pain and concerns because that's how the program works. The best suggestion that I can give is to search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and begin to attend once again. Keeping the focus on yourself, obtaining the support that you need during this difficult time, living one day at a time, trusting HP will help you respond to this disease in a healthy fashion.
We do have online meetings here twice a day so that joining us and sharing on the board is also a fine option.
