Mother to visit - Al-Anon Family Group

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Mother to visit

Jen61 · ~*Service Worker*~

When my parents would come and visit it really was never a fun time. The last time they came it was for 8 days and I was a wreck the whole time. I wonder why they cannot stay with your sisters? Sad they are not thinking of you but just of themselves.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My dad never ever came to AZ to visit me. He would go to the other side of the country to visit friends and family but never come to me. Same with my sister....been in AZ 23 years and not once has my sister come to visit. She come's every year to the Nascar races at PIR but then go's home... Oh and she won the lottery ( 22 million ) so has not had to work for 30 years.

Maybe it was a blessing...maybe it wasn't. I will never know.

((( hugs )))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I can certainly understand you not being up to a visit right now, Mirandac. So much on your plate emotionally - more emotionally charged stuff - wow. Hope the visit turns out better than you anticipate it will for you.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

She probably is fighting mad at me right now. This will it be not be
forgiven or forgotten.

I did not Call her back went out to dinner with two gf's as planned.

I even told her she needed to go back to alanon. She hadn't gone in
Years. She said "i practice it dealing with you"

It all started with Me looking for my coat. She had it but hadnt mailed
It back yet. I forgot I left it there. She had hoped I would come down Again.

She will not stay at B&B,rent a cottage or anything but they like to come
And stay with me not my sisters. She usually comes and stirs up trouble.
Brings all kind of junk and just causes undue stress and confusion. That
Is the usual visit then add in my dry AH and it was always a fun time had
By all. Plus I work 50 +hours a week.

Actually a week ago I had decided I was not going to discuss divorce with
Her. She said some things I did not like And she got me very angry.

Sorry to rant but I needed esh. I really don't need this right now
my mental and emotional state are very fragile.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You: "Mom, I know you'd like to come to visit. Right now, its just not a good time for me." Her: Fill in the blanks. You: "Mom, I understand that you'd like to visit now and no, not now. Its not a good time for me. Her: Fill in the blanks. You: "Mom, I understand. No."

I had a thought that may or may not fit for you: It is not your job to fulfill your Mom's expectations no matter how much she thinks that it is.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of September 2014 09:50:19 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of September 2014 10:26:15 PM

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm with grateful.

I have a motto above my computer: The only thing that goes on in your life is what you ALLOW in your life. Iyanla Vanzant.

You may not feel you have the strength right now to fight her off but you'll be glad you did later, I think.

Assertiveness training has a technique that is a lot like what Catherine said. You just keep repeating your statement. It's called broken record. I am not up for having company right now.
She comes at you from a different direction. Yes. And I'm not up for having company now. Blah-blah. Yes. And I'm not up for having company right now It will eventually wear her down when she can't get you to engage. Be prepared to say it 10 times if necessary.

I got out of the restocking fee at a furniture store once with that. I felt a little bad because after they finally agreed I noticed the sign on the back wall that said a restocking fee will be extracted if you bring anything back. It was a small item and we brought it back, so I just took the money, thanked them and left.

It might feel a little weird--this is your mother, after all. But anybody who really cared about you wouldn't come piling in on you when you are working 50 hours a week, are stressd out with a divorce and have stated you don't want company now.

Is there someone you can dispatch to pick your coat up from her house and mail it to you if she gets passive aggressive about it? Worth paying somebody?

Good luck. Let us know how it goes. My parents-in-law would come uninvited. Did it twice. My family brought aid and comfort when they came.

Temple

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You know what, no is a word. Most people understand.

I know i am in Al anon to remember to listen to my heart and my own needs. I am not good for me or anyone if I am over extended and sick.

You have a broken heart. You are not into putting up with any boloney.She is disrespecting you, what makes you allow it? Just becuz she is your mother does not me you have to allow her to treat you so rudely.

There is nothing wrong with saying, "No mom this is not a good time." if she tries to argue, I would say,"NO mom this is not a good time."No matter how long she tries to argue, repeat the exact same thing.

I refuse to argue and honestly people learn there is no use trying.

You need to be able to cry, moan, scream if you want to.YOu are going thru the worst thing most can go thru, loss.

I hope you will love yourself enough to tell her no. And tell here that is final I don't want to hear about it again.

We have to show our own backbone when protecting ourselves too.It's very ok.

Allowing others who don't seem to care about us to control us is not healthy. You deserve to have as peaceful of a time as you can.

sending you love, debilyn

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your loving responses. I really needed to hear them.

I have stated "no"many times and my reasoning many times but she
Does not want to hear them anymore. Now that ah is out of the house
She feels the time is right for her and bf to come visit.

I believe my mother is narcissistic. It's always been about her and
Her Wants and desires. She does not take responsibility for her actions.
She has never wanted to let go of her children go as a mother should. She holds
On to us for her own needs and she won't go on the outside to find things
To do/help for herself. She did attend alanon for 20 years but I can't see
She really learned anything about relationships or people in those 20 years.

Most of my siblings do the no/limited contact with her. Alanon has helped
Me greatly setting boundaries with her. She has not liked any of the changes
In my behavior toward her. I limit calls to 15 minutes sometimes 30. She has
My weekly schedule. She is very overbearing and has caused problems in
My marriage.

Once in awhile I have it out with her over a boundary she is not respecting.
This is one of those times. It got into very heated Conversation. My rational
And sane self is somewhere deep in my closet. This is not the time to push
My buttons. She will see herself as the wronged party here and that I am
Being mean to her. She is 81.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

She walks over your boundaries because she can. She can arrive. You don't have to answer the door or be there when she comes. Then, she'll really have a reason to see herself as the wronged party and that you are being mean to her. You've already told her no and no and no. There is a point where talking about something ends. If you have said what you meant, meant what you said and didn't say it mean without leaving the door open for her to come anyway, then not answering or being there when she arrives is a consequence for bad behavior on her part. My grandmother, much as I loved her, could be very demanding. Her children chose to talk behind her back rather than deal with her and tell her no in a way she'd hear. We all went to a wedding reception for a family member. My date was coming to meet me after work. I found two chairs at a table for family. There were tables all over the room for family. Grandma decided she wanted the table where I was seated for her kids plus me. I told her my date was coming later and I had saved a chair for him. She insisted he could sit at another table with friends for the bride or groom. What? I told her "No, that wouldn't work and that it's really up to my Mom where people are to sit." I refused to give in to her plan. She glared at me but changed her choice of table and insisted all her kids and their spouses sit with her there although they were all seated where they wanted to be to begin with at the time. We were staying at my parents and I knew there'd be hell to pay when we got back to my parents. And, of course, there she was with a look that could kill on her face that worked with her kids but didn't work with me. I said, "Well, grandma, just tell me how long you're going to be mad and I'll talk to you when you get over it." Within 10 minutes of her temper tantrum over her not getting her way, she was right back to being the fun loving and sane woman she could really be. If I pulled the stuff with my daughter that your Mother is trying with you, she would put up boundaries I couldn't cross and I'd deserve it. We do train people as to how they can treat us, M. You don't have to give in to your Mom's whims or petulance.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 08:23:39 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 08:26:44 AM

Hullibee · Senior Member

Mirandac my mom is 81 too. Thank God her and dad can no longer drive 12 hours to visit. It is very hard to get parents to listen to us. My Mom still treats me like I'm a 10 year old. Listen to what she wants and needs an I am to be NOT heard. Funny how that works.

Stick to your guns. Keep repeating over and over No Mom not now. Get sisters involved to offer their place. Keep your chin up. You are worth it.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I know the answer is NO! It is not a good time
To visit. My mother and her bf like to come and stay because
I have a nice home on the water with a beautiful
View. They both talk it up and want to come even
Though it's not really convenient for me. She has
her own agenda. My two sisters do not have
Decent or normal housing for her to stay at and she
Refuses to stay at B&B , hotel or rent a cottage.There are lots of issues
with My two sisters and my mother usually stirs up
Trouble. It is a lot easier when we go to her. My mother had
A cottage here in this area till 10 years ago when
She sold it, it was on a lake.

Oh she won't come now I will just have to deal with her
Anger and all her other bs. She can be a very abusive
Woman. I will just tell her "if she wants to be mean and
Nasty do not call me because I do not want to hear it
Or deal with it" the end of the conversation!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I was just looking up tools and info on assertive training online.

There is also an alanon book I am going to order "from survival
To recovery."I think we might even have it in our alanon library.

My boundaries have been weak with my three abusers and I
Need to put up firmer boundaries to protect myself from them.
My mother, my AH and my MIL.

In my normal life with normal people i don't seem to have
much trouble expressing myself and getting the respect I deserve
but here again normal people Do not disrespect you and try to treat
you bad. They are healthy mentally,emotionally and morally. They
Are decent normal people with no agenda to harm you. It's the
Sick and twisted you need very firm boundaries with to protect
Yourself from them. Otherwise "no contact "if they can not or won't
Behave in a respectful manner toward you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Do you have caller id on your landline? if not I would get it, or just have her blocked till you feel better. Cell phones can have numbers bocked too, or don't answer her calls.

Does not have to be forever! Allow you to have peace. If she wants to be pushy becuz she is mad, that is her problem.

You see she has burned her bridges already with others. Plus she wants to stay with you becuz of your house??? My Mother, may she be blessed slept in my extra room where Grunt had his couch.Grunt was a very large pot bellied pig. lol She said that was a first to sleep with a pig.lol We are very tidy, people. She was always naturally beautiful and dressed so pretty. But oh she loved her kids. If we were living in a tent she would come to stay!

Your situation is very hurtful. Some day you might say mom I am unhappy becuz you come to stay at my house, you don't come to see me.

Hey I had to live in my one room in my barn when AH left. small,cozy and nice but for awhile my toilet was a bucket with a lid! My cyber sis came to stay with me cuz I was so sad. Her daughter came too. Her daughter went out the door to the stalls to go potty. she said that was the first time she ever had to go potty with a rooster staring at her! lol

Good I am glad she is not coming. Now please put her out of your mind. Keep her out too. No use answering phone to her. HEy what does age have to do with it? My gma was 106 and still treated me as sweet as ever.

some day some older lady will meet you and all of a sudden she will be like a mom to you. You and son are so precious!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm glad you are willing to learn how to deal with difficult members of your family, too. It is part of the human condition to push if it is allowed. Even a 6th month or older baby will grab the skin and pinch as hard as his/her little fingers and hands can do it. One can see the mean look in their eyes. They don't reason it out and yet their intent is to inflict pain. I would hold my children's hands and say, "No, that hurts Mommy," and stop it once or twice that way. If they didn't stop, I'd put them on the floor or into their little protective chairs or their playpens and walk away. It didn't take either long to learn it didn't work with me. Some older people do become like children and can respond to the same "No, that hurts" and walk away treatment. Good for you, M. It is your home and it is your right to be in your home with those you choose to invite - no matter what others might think about that.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 11:19:21 AM

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I really love this online
Group so much love,caring and wisdom.

It is actually much more real support than I get in my ftf group.
But I know I need to do both and continue
To work the steps when I am ready. I am still stuck on step three,
My will is powerful but my hp is guiding and helping me see the light
At the end of the tunnel. I feel him outside of me but once in awhile
Inside of me.

I did call my sponsor last night and we talked. She Also has her own
Stuff going on so we supported each other.

I will just wait till my mother calls me. No sense in being the first
One. Her bf is over today anyways, let her stew and calm down.
Otherwise she will just be nasty and abusive. I will try to be calm
In the conversation. She just blindsided me I thought we had this
Discussion enough in the last couple of years. I guess with no AH
In residence She felt the coast was clear.

She really has been very unhappy with me and my boundaries and
changes In my behavior. Thank you ALANON! I must be doing
Something right.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Nobody likes change and most all of us will push back in an effort to return to status quo - no matter how sick status quo might be. Good that you are continuing with Al-Anon and MIP and your divorce support group. My HP wants me to be true to me come what may - to love and be loved unconditionally. What I've learned my HP doesn't want is for me to be a people pleaser or to put up with inappropriate behavior from myself or others. My Mom, too, had her issues. She didn't like me because I didn't feed them, fix them or fight them. I refused to become who she wanted me to be and that really wasn't my issue - that was hers. And - God love her - she raised me to think for myself. I just don't think she realized at the time that in thinking for myself, I wouldn't do what she thought I should do. I'd do what I thought I should do. :^) Keep going back and coming back, M. You're growing and I like what I see.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you grateful it is a journey!

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathyinaz wrote:
My dad never ever came to AZ to visit me. He would go to the other side of the country to visit friends and family but never come to me. Same with my sister....been in AZ 23 years and not once has my sister come to visit. She come's every year to the Nascar races at PIR but then go's home... Oh and she won the lottery ( 22 million ) so has not had to work for 30 years.

Maybe it was a blessing...maybe it wasn't. I will never know.

((( hugs )))

Wow! Did she really win $22 million? must be nice.

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