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UGH--last night my AH and I met with a lawyer--trying to move forward amicably which is a relief (as long as he doesn't suddenly go back on his word or change his mind). My AH cried and was really upset...I have been focusing SO much on how he is cleaning me out financially (I'm the one who makes literally ALL the money and he is taking half of everything....) It has had me angry and fearful over the future...and then I started to think about the traditions and this "lest problems of money, property, and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim." And I have felt immense guilt--that I have been focused on the wrong thing and not being compassionate...don't get me wrong, I have been through hell, no need to recount that all but it is still so hard to see him struggle and to also just let go of my dreams for a family, a husband, etc..
My feelings are confused....but I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I just want to reassure you that taking care of you doesn't make you a bad person or a uncompassionate one. The reality is he had his choices too and he made the decision regardless of the reason (we can throw in the whole well he's sick) he still made a decision and he is still held accountable for those choices. I saw the best quote by Dr Phil today .. When we take an action we choose a consequence (it might have said when we make a decision we choose a consequence) either way .. we are STILL responsible for the consequences of our choices. Focusing on taking care of you financially is not selfish it's a reality .. it's not like he hasn't known this was coming and he could have made different choices. I go with the saying the first drink of the day is ALWAYS a choice after that it's compulsion .. there is always that one moment for someone to say .. I choose to do something different. You did choose so please do NOT beat yourself up. You need to focus on you because expecting him to be thinking about you and the kids .. he just can't .. so someone has to.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
My x cried, too, when we divorced. That changed nothing for me or the kids. He knew what our problems were and he knew the issues between us. I was willing to do my part. He was not willing to do his. I made sure I chose a lawyer who wasn't interested in "blood" or humiliating my x. I knew he was sick. I also went to counseling with him with his therapist for awhile after we were divorced at his request. It was short-lived. He truly didn't want to make any changes to his way of being. He wanted me to do what I'd always done. Make allowances for him and for it. I didn't make money, property or prestige a priority during our divorce. I also had compassion for him who also complained to the therapist that I showed no emotion during our sessions. Fortunately, his therapist was an addictions counselor who saw through my composure right to my heart and said so. She also saw through his manipulations and suggested I go to Al-Anon. Compassion for him and for myself and my kids made it possible for me to do the best I could to pay my portion of our bills, keep what I knew about him to myself except to two priests and my lawyer, and refuse to make life impossible for him by doing things I knew could harm him. That's the best I could do under the circumstances and I wasn't willing to let his tears shed in a counselor's office to gain sympathy and pity for himself from her sway me from doing what I needed to do for me and our children who only one of us was looking after or out for in our relationship.
I agree with all of the posts above. Yes, be kind to yourself and know that you did what you needed to do to take care of yourself. He is choosing to drink, now you are doing what you need to do to move forward. I remember our family doctor saying, "Your AH is heading into a very scary place as long as he keeps drinking- you do not have to go to that scary place with him."
I was in a similar situation as you. My AH lost his business due to his drinking and was unemployed when I started the divorce proceedings. He looked so lost and sick when I saw him at our first divorce hearing. I was working and carrying benefits for both of us, and would have had to pay him spousal support. My brother came up to me after that hearing and said, "I don't think he is going to make it to the next hearing- he looks awful." Unfortunately, he was right. My AH died three weeks later due to kidney and liver failure from his drinking. If I had stayed with him, my life would have been even more complicated than it was when I decided to leave him.
Stay the course, you are not purposefully trying to hurt him- you are taking care of YOU since you can't control what he does right now. Sending you ESH right now!
-- Edited by Green Eyes on Friday 26th of September 2014 07:50:50 PM
I feel the same sometimes. When my STBXAH cries, when he reminds me of all my faults and mistakes that he decided to overlook and put up with, when he talks about a future he can create for us that now I know it is only a fantasy that will never come true and when I remember about my dreams of being a perfect family. When I remember the early days, the birth of my daughter...
Today I saw so many older couples together, walking around holding hands, looking after each other, smiling...I felt a bit sad for myself but when I go out with my STBX you can't even guess we are a couple, and generally we have absolutely nothing to talk about and no desire to smile to each other...I think my H cries because he is scared of the unknown and he is ashamed oh himself...it is not love for me...so I just reming myself that I am actually doing him a favour, he can grow so much from the separation and divorce..when I think like this, the guilty goes away.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Guilt has a purpose. That purpose is to help us admit we've done something that isn't in line with our value system and to make amends. There are two types of guilt: Realistic and unrealistic. A realistic example of guilt would be for me to lie and say I'm married when I'm really divorced to "look good" in other people's eyes. Unrealistic guilt is to recognize I am being abused or living with someone I no longer love and doing something to make a change and feeling bad because they don't like the change I make and going back to being with them again because they feel bad which puts me right back into realistic guilt.
Unrealistic guilt keeps us tied down and doing the same thing over and over again when there is no sane, reasonable motive for it. One of the insane things I used to do was to date somebody I knew wasn't my match and keep on dating him because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. It was realistic guilt to recognize that I was continuing to date somebody that I knew wasn't my match. The unrealistic guilt that kept me doing it over and over and over again was the fear his feelings would get hurt or did get his feelings hurt because I wanted to be or was honest with myself and with him. To me, unrealistic guilt is insanity. Healthy guilt is meant to be freeing.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 05:00:25 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 05:03:14 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 27th of September 2014 05:04:40 PM
Grateful, this is really insightful. I've been living with unrealistic guilt for so long, and it's kept me in my marriage. I'm trying to emerge now. But it isn't easy. Thank you for the wise words, though. And, good luck to you Sookie...it sounds like you're doing what you have to, for everyone.
Oooohhh, I love what Grateful stated about the guilt. I needed to read that today because I'm feeling that guilt creep in as I make plans to move on with my life FOR ME. I see how sad and depressed my AH is and I immediately guilt myself and take on the problem as 100% my responsibility. You know, since I was the one pushing for the split, then I must have to be guilty because it was my doing, etc etc ad nauseum, LOL. This helps me put it into perspective, even though I haven't backed down from my position.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
The dreams of family and husband may be gone with him but not in general. I hear people stating this as fact. That you have to let go of dreams when you separate from an A. Family is what you make it. I have no kids but am rich in family and now 6 years after leaving the A, I have a real husband. I am only sharing this so you challenge your own negative thought and don't just accept some things as fact that are not facts. Aside from that, I hear you, underneath the horrible choices and bad behavior is a sick and suffering, miserable person. It is a tragedy. Don't beat yourself up though with regard to focusing on your finances. Your self preservation is just as important as your compassion.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 1st of October 2014 07:31:27 PM
((Sookie)) Your post resonates. I had so much guilt before, during, and after my divorce, and, I too, didn't want to let go of the dreams- it was like holding onto the last piece of chocolate in the universe. The disease was too great, and for many reasons, divorce was the healthiest option. As there is more and more distance since the divorce and more work with Alanon, much of that guilt has dissipated. I now can see reality clearly and am glad for having made the choices I made. As an awesome Alanoner once told me, "guilt is not part of the program." Sending prayers.
Wow reading this post full of wisdom and tools has helped me already. You sound so healthy! Finances, Yikes! I am working so hard to get a career so that I never repeat the way it felt when my exAH stopped supporting me financially, it was so scary and I was clueless about how to support myself with 2 kids, I worked 4 part time jobs and still didn't make enough to cover our expenses and I missed seeing my kids. I have compassion for my exAH now that I never had before, he is a sick man and even now a conversation with him leaves me feeling saddened. We had some good years and some bad years with alcohol intertwined throughout it all. Letting go of all my hopes and dreams of us being a family after 15 years, it took a toll, but now I have rebuilt myself a healthier stronger version that has learned from every life lesson and am better for it. You are in the heat of it now, but the growth and awareness you are getting are such gifts. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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