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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Worrying about your kids
Post Info TOPIC: Worrying about your kids
andromeda


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Worrying about your kids
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Ok, so I had a VERY long talk with my sponsor last night about my concerns for my son.  Mostly my fears revolve around his academics and my homeschooling of him.  I worry constantly that I've let him down.  I didn't know how to teach to his learning disabilities, I didn't place enough pressure on him or test him enough, I don't require as much work as most kids have to do, I let him sleep in, I sometimes 'help' too much because I can't determine if it's the learning disability that is stumping him or just him being lazy, etc, etc.  That is the running dialog in my mind as I teach him.

He is a sophomore in high school, has ADHD, has Tourette's Syndrome and has quite a few tics that can make writing or reading difficult for him, has OCD there, too, and anxiety issues.  All of those things are co-morbid conditions with Tourette's so it's no surprise.  He's also been diagnosed with a cognitive memory issue where they told me that he has a working memory that is only at 25% of his peers.  I've put him in expensive memory training programs, I'm paying $1000 a month right now for one on one math tutoring for him because he's still barely in pre-algebra while his peers are in pre-calc.  I've spent more time and money than I know what to do with trying to figure out how to relieve his tics without meds.  We've tried diets, acupuncture, naturopathic medicine, chiropractic, massage, etc.  Many of these things just give him relief from the side effects of the tics, which are so bad right now for his shoulder and have created some spinal issues for him.  The meds just made him sleepy and gain weight and he couldn't function on the tennis court nor focus on his schoolwork so we nixed the meds early on.

Anyway, he wants to go to college so that he can play college tennis.  I don't even see how he can get through the GED, let alone taking the SAT and getting into a 4 year school.  He's talented enough for a Div 1 tennis scholarship but academically, I feel that he'd be super overwhelmed at a Div 1 school especially if he's there on scholarship and they expect a lot out of him.  He does not handle pressure very well.  I have suggested to him that he try a 2 year community college locally and then see how he handles the academics.  He can play tennis there (not great competition but still a team environment) and then he can try out for 4 year school and possibly play tennis later there.

His issue is that he sees so many of his older friends right now signing with big schools and getting full rides, etc.  He saw them all go through the recruitment process in their junior years and he's scared to tell coaches that he most likely won't be taking the SAT, etc.  Some days he has told me that he feels like a failure, but then I start feeling like I failed him and I carry that weight around on my shoulders.

I know that I did the best I could with what he could give me in return.  I knew his limits.  I know he can only read for a half hour before his eye tics make it miserable.  I know that he can only sit still for so long.  I've tried to make accommodations for him but I wonder if I've made too many and made it too easy for him?  Sigh....I know that I can't control what happens in his future but I feel that so much of his success or failure rests on me.  



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grateful2be


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Is there a reason why he can't take the ACT or SAT? I don't know much about homeschooling and I'm not sure how important that test is to college entrance? I'm also wondering if it might be helpful for him to be tested if that is possible?  I'm also wondering if maybe he could get his GED?  I understand he has some learning disabilities and yet I can't help but wonder if having him tested at some level might be helpful to both him and you?  I could be all wet about this, too.  I was lousy at higher math in high school.  I had an undiagnosed learning disability that interfered with my being able to grasp higher math concepts.  I was still able to gain admittance to college to attend classes that benefited my dreams and my aspirations.  I didn't need the degree.  I needed the coursework that supported my passions and interests.  I was also able to gain credit in Master Level courses without a degree.  Again, those classes were taken to support what I could do best.  And I never needed algebra, geometry, calc or trig to do any of what I loved to do.  There is nothing saying your son can't do what supports his passions either.  By now, I'd think he knows what he can do and what he can't do?  At 16, although I didn't know I had a learning disability, I did know what I loved and what I didn't love.  I did know what I wanted to do for me.  My parents discouraged me in many ways because they didn't agree with what I intuited was right for me in the professional world and I still got there.  I tried to do what they wanted for me and I failed.  Marriage was one of those things they wanted for me and they also wanted to choose my partner.  I'm not blaming them for my choices.  I made them.  I also wonder if they'd stayed out of my way when I reached a certain age and trusted me to do what I needed to do for me if some of the choices I made might have been different?  They were good people and they were also too controlling of their firstborn.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of September 2014 10:34:18 AM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of September 2014 11:23:02 AM

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pinkchip


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Try and let go. He is at the age where his disabilities are shifting totally on him and not you. That is OK even though it's hard to watch. FYI - basketball and football players get full rides at college and can barely read sometimes. Also, colleges will have to make exceptions to comply with ADA when he enrolls.

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el-cee


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I can relate. Thats what I hated about being a parent, all the guilt. My youngest son is 17 and has dyslexia so he struggled at school. He passed some exams but they dont reflect his intelligence, hes so bright he just cant show it in the traditional way. Here children can leave school at 16, my son chose to leave and he got himself a job right away, loves it and is much happier, very independant. Im delighted because the pressure of getting him through school was destroying our relationship and his confidence. So, I kind of get where your coming from.

I truly admire you for home schooling him. Its not done here much at all and it wouldnt have been an option for me, my home was too chaotic and when I leftmy ah, I needed to work. I did think about it but I didnt have the confidence in myself either.

Guilt is such a crappy emotion that sums up my experience of motherhood to be honest. For me it wouldnt matrer what decision I made I had guilt anyway about everything. We, the affected ones, lol, carry guilt like a humph on our backs. You are a fantastic mother and I dont think anyone could have doen better than you. It wasnt perfect, hard to accept for me, but it was really good, good enough. Maybe your son needs the opportunity to do what he wants even if it means failure. Failure is subjective anyway. He may gain a lot having that opportunity.

I so love that freeing saying, I did the best with what I had/knew at the time.x

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andromeda


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Grateful, as to the testing. Almost all colleges require the ACT or the SAT for entrance. The ACT has science on it along with math and reading, writing, etc. He can take the GED, I have a practice book and teaching guide for that here at the house right now. It's really about the math for him and even reading comprehension to some degree. He just doesn't think it through and yes, he's been tested out the wazoo. His math tutoring school right now is constantly testing him and evaluating him so that they can tweak his lessons to build his math skills.

Last year when I had him tested by the neuropsychologist's office, they told me that he is basically brain damaged. Yes, those were her words so I haven't been back. His testing results were all over the board. Both times he's been tested he has placed at college level for spelling but at 5th grade reading comprehension. Reading skills, though, were on grade level, and math is always 2-3 years behind. He struggles with spatial issues and executive function. There's only so much I can do for him or else I'd run out of hours in the day to help him with all his issues. So, I do the best I can and pray for the best.

Mark, I know I see college football players who are dumb as rocks get on to teams. Don't get me started about the NCAA and Title 9 crap. Half of all men's tennis teams are made up of foreigners mostly Europeans and South Americans. Yet, they won't approve half the curriculums that I use as a homeschooler here in the US. It's one of the reason that I think I am going to have him go the community college route. If he does play NCAA at some point, they won't require the SAT nor will they care what curriculums I've used at the high school level. Quite frankly, I wish I could tell the NCAA to kiss my rear, LOL. They are totally cracking down on online curriculums, homeschoolers, and other alternative methods of schooling and I have to call the NCAA clearing house to get their stamp of approval on everything I use. I have to keep track of EVERYTHING I use for school, every ISBN number, lessons plans, etc and then I find out that they won't approve it because they just dropped the publisher from their list. ARRGGHHH!!!

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Tash2


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You're his mum & all that you have done has been in his best interests. None of us get it right all the time but it sounds to me like your son is lucky to have you. You've given him much love & encouragement, give yourself a break. Sending you hugs.

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Temple


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Bonnie, Bless you,

I am sorry you are so worried and how could you not be?

I wonder, does he have to go to college to play competitive tennis? If somebody is good enough, can he "turn Pro" without it?

Is the competitive aspect of tennis important to him, or is it playing?

Could he be happy after high school working a job that didn't demand more of him than he could do and playing tennis every chance he got?

I wonder about these things because I don't know. And you don't have to answer me; I don't want you spending time you could be using taking care of yourself.

I think you've been making a great life for him.

Could he be happy teaching children?

I think I'm partly asking, is it his dream to be a top seed, or his father's for him?

Again, just bringing up thoughts I have in case you've been totally focused on the big goal and maybe it isn't the only path for him.

Hugs,
Temple



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andromeda


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Oh, it's definitely his father's dream. In reality, he's a top 300 ranked player in the country out of 1500 kids who play in national ranking tournaments. He's good, but not that good, LOL. And, he knows it and knows the reality of his game.

I think he'd make an excellent coach or hitting partner for younger players. He's very good with people and technique and at critiquing other's games. He knows there's a men's circuit that he can start playing when he turns 18 and there's always competitive adult leagues, too. I think, for him, it's the team environment that he really wants to find. Tennis is such an individual sport so college tennis is like a dream come true for many of these juniors.

My AH is always saying, "Just look at how much money the pros are paid. See, if you break into the pros you can have that car, that house, blah blah blah". Drives me crazy! My son just tunes him out. Those are dads dreams, not his. Honestly, I think my son's dream would be to become a famous interior design artist, LOL, and then play tennis on the side!

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grateful2be


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Would a fine arts college require good grades in math and the sciences? That's a very worthy dream he has. My Mom was an artist who also became the manager of a furniture store that was in the red when she started and became the finest furniture store in the area under her guidance. She used her artwork for advertising, her knowledge of who does the choosing of home furnishings to bring in customers, and had a ball going to High Pointe every year to do the buying for her store. Because of her knowledge of fabric, furniture quality and interior design, she was also hired to do the interior design of many wealthy clients' homes. When she died, she wanted the viewing to take place in the funeral home she had been commissioned to transform and we all felt right at home in the room where she was laid out because my Mom's interior decorating know how coupled with customer no know how (these were morticians who hired her to recreate the interior design of their business) and trust was everywhere. Some of us know how to do interior design but there are many people who need somebody to tell them what to buy and how to decorate their homes. I love your son's dream! Playing tennis on the side - good idea, too.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of September 2014 12:47:46 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 26th of September 2014 12:48:23 PM

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Temple


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Aha! Maybe your answers are becoming clearer!

Without that pressure to get into college, he mighr be a much more relaxed young man.

Maybe think more in line of getting him into Parsons or art lessons or apprenticed to a designer. Or just let him grow into it. I had a friend who was gifted and she could just arrange a client's own belongings and transform a house.

I knew a couple with two PhDs who had one son with an average IQ who was a wonderful cook and intuitive auto mechanic. He was pressured to get a degree in Psychology. He was a nervous wreck. I thought if he'd gotten to live his own life, he'd have been happier.

I love the story of Cattherine's mother.

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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 
Kerrymom


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If you had placed him in public school or even private you'd probably still have the doubts and worries, did they let him slide too much, did the school not have high expectations, should I have insisted on x,y, or z, etc. and us moms seem to place the blame on ourselves. You've done everything you can and there isn't a "cure" for his conditions so stop blaming yourself that he's not. If he does decide to go to college there are many colleges with superb programs to support non traditional learners. hugs!

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Debilyn


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Even kids who don't have challenges as your son has,  think and worry about the future. It's ok to bring him back to right now, one day at a time. We can tell them just do your best today. Its good to talk about things, but all we can control is ONE day at a time. My friends boy grew out of his tourettes.

We don't know what he will be thinking about next year. Its natural for him to wonder but you don't want him to not enjoy where he is now at this age. concentrate on the now. That pressure is too much for anyone.

As far a your teaching him, not many could do better. I was blessed to teach kids like him, they learned differently and it was my job to teach them how they understood. I was so proud of my kids. Now they were very handicapped, Much different than him, but they even leaned to drive and hold a job, have their own place and some paid their own bills.

We don't know how he will develop. I would be like you and be proud how far he has matured. You did very well believe me. Most parents are not like you.I believe you were wise to keep him out of public school. they would have just pushed him along.

brains are not finished developing till the early twenties then experience adds more.

My fear is he will never measures up to his father and always feel like a disappointment.He needs to know his dad is proud of him no matter what. He knows you will always be proud of him.

I look fw to when all this is said and done and you and son have your own happy home. You both will blossom with out that suppressing A. You will feel so much better about you and your son.



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