Welcome to MIP, we are a supportive, honest community working on our own recovery programs regardless of our circumstances.  The feelings that you are having are normal, I remember feeling the way you do when my husband was in recovery the first time.  I had just had surgery and, although I was happy he was in recovery, I was pissed at the same time.  Your husbands involvement with this other woman seems to be interfering with the emotional intimacy with you.  I agree with your concerns and would not tolerate the situation.  

We learn through the 12 steps, to be self loving and accepting.  We learn to break our dependence on other people and circumstances.  This gave me a feeling of freedom that I had either not known or had forgotten.....you can have this freedom, too.

Like Grateful expressed, I hope you find an al anon or nar anon meeting to attend.  

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

The toddler stage is very draining and can put people under a lot of strain even if nothing else is going on.  I read a study that found that people who have jobs work longer hours when they have a toddler.  Why?  Because at work they can control things.  Taking care of a toddler is all about reacting to something you can't control: the toddler.  It is very time-consuming.  In centuries gone by, people lived in very small villages and no one was stuck taking care of a toddler just by herself or even just as a couple.  Basically we're not built for it. 

But I get that your husband is new to recovery and has his own issues and that makes him even less available than otherwise.  People newly in recovery are kind of unsteady, and often the problems they've been suppressing with drugs and alcohol come to the surface, like depression and not having good coping skills.  And it sounds like there's this woman who makes him feel like a knight in shining armor, and who doesn't have a toddler that needs taking care of, so he's gravitating dangerously towards her.  Not saying they'll have an affair, but escaping in "rescuing" her is just another way of avoiding handling his own problems.  And if she's fragile and got drama, the drama can be very distracting.

First off I think any parent of a young child needs multiple sources of support.  Because just two people are not enough.  When my child was toddler-age I got a little daycare (two hours twice a week) just to give him some social time and me some breathing space.  Through the daycare I met some other parents and we started exchanging kids.  First an afternoon where the kids hung out together while the parents chatted.  Then after a while, leaving the toddler at the friend's for an hour or 90 minutes.  After a while, at the friend's for an afternoon.  By age 4 they were doing happy sleepovers.  Another up side is that when they reciprocate and their kid comes over to you, the kids amuse each other and it's much less demanding.

However you can arrange it, other sources of childcare and support are life-savers.  And I'd give your husband your child to take care of when you go out.  Gives him a chance to bond better, and gives him a sense of what you're up against, and gives you some time.  Lets him feel helpful and part of the family - big things.

Sounds to me like he also needs his own support - a good counselor. You and the fragile woman and even his recovery groups are not professionals - you shouldn't be in the position of assessing his thoughts about suicide and trying to help him.  People go to school for years to learn about this - let them do what they're trained to do.  You have so much on your plate already.

Take good care of yourself.  Hugs.

Being new to the "recovery" think was crazy making for me...the expectations I had that "if this happened or if it didn't" and the "What ifs and what if nots" were crazy making and I was told to stay out of her recovery and get into my own.  I had to facilitate my own recovery and there were times I had to have her support with it.  I wasn't her sponsor or her counselor there were others she had that gave her support and I turned her over to them and asked for support from her for myself.  Of course the support I needed was with the people of Al-Anon who knew and knew that they knew what the disease was and how it moved and sounded and made its way thru our lives.  It is very very manipulative and for a time allowed me to put up with irresponsibility on the part of my alcoholic/addict wife until I woke up and became aware of what a lie was and not and the truth and half truths were also.  AA was/is a society of like experienced people and at times much more pleasant to be in than at home taking care of my responsibilities.  Drugs and alcohol are both mind and mood altering chemicals so I don't make one more anything than the other.  The object of recovery is to return me to the life of order I once had before I drank and used.  What was he like before you married?  What did he do and how did he do it?  I had to know and learn the picture so I didn't get confused with what was going on and who it was going on with.   Keep coming back.   ((((hugs))))  

Thank you all for your responses. I really appreciate it. I'm happy to know that what we're both feeling / going through is normal. You have no idea how much your messages have helped me - just overnight. 

I have never known him sober. He started using MJ at 16 and started dabbling in cocaine at 23. I didn't meet him until he was 24 (I was 19 and very naive). I didn't even know he smoked cigarettes until our 3rd date. I didn't find out about the mj until we were already married (he just told me one day because he felt guilty). He didn't smoke much, maybe once a day back then and, personally, I didn't have an issue with mj - in my opinion some people just use it to relax.

I didn't find out about the occasional cocaine use until we were married for 3 years. I was 23 by then and was a little less naive and noticed he was acting weird - like paranoid. He had been out with his work buddies. He hadn't been drinking at all, so I thought this behavior was crazy. I point blank asked him if he was on crack (not even thinking he'd say cocaine). He was honest with me and said he had been doing foilies with the guys and he brought some home (hence the paranoia). I lectured him for an hour about how bad it was for him, how disappointed I was in him, etc. Then he said "just try it. I promise you if you say you hate it, I'll never do it again. You can even lie to me and tell me you hate it." I finally gave in and wow. I loved it. He started talking to me. He was opening up about all sorts of things. We talked more than we ever had. It was amazing. All inhibitions were gone. Personally, I couldn't wait to do it again so we could talk like that.

We used coke off and on for the next 4 years - sometimes going months without using it, but other times using it every Friday night. Then one day, we talked and decided we were done with it. It was pretty easy to give up because we weren't using all the time - just occasionally. However, he was still smoking MJ.

I smoked with him occasionally, but I really didn't care for it. Sometimes it would make me feel a lot more than what I wanted. I'm overweight and my back hurts sometimes and sometimes when I would smoke, the pain would magnify 100 times. Other times it helped. I didn't like not knowing which I was going to get, so it didn't really appeal to me...and I stopped smoking completely about a year before we got pregnant.

He made the choice all on his own to get clean and sober last Dec. I know he's struggling with all these emotions and feelings. He really hates his job (it's very physical) and I think he's bored with life in general and in the bedroom, too. 

I told him on Wed that I wanted more passion. I want him to kiss me, to smack my butt, to grab my boobs (TMI). He has made an effort to do those things the last two days. I asked him about his feelings and got nothing that night, then that text yesterday, which I think was a bit of a turning point for him and me. I hugged him when I got home from work and told him thank you for sharing that with me, that I wasn't going to treat him any differently. I mentioned that what he's feeling is normal and that it just means he's human. I also said feelings suck, but this is his opportunity to learn how to deal with them - then told him not to be like me - don't bottle it up, learn to take care of them the right way.

After his meeting they went out for pizza. He got home around 10 and I had waited up for him. Because of some of the things you guys said (and without going in to too much detail) I kind of initiated a little something something and it was probably the most passionate night we've had in a really long time - something we were both missing. I told him I missed this and wanted more of that and he said he does too.

When I woke up this morning (he was already at work) I texted him "good morning, I love you" and he texted me back right away "love you too, beautiful, have a good day". It's the first time in a long time he's called me beautiful. It made me feel so special. It's amazing what 24 hours of prayer and some advice can do. Obviously we have a long road ahead of us. I'm going to work on me and getting happy and also work on being more interested in his recovery - I think me trying to let him have his space with his recovery may have equated in his mind as me not investing in him. I rarely ask him how he's doing / feeling because I don't want to pry. I'm going to do that more - I think he needs that from me and maybe this other chick will not be so needed. I'm okay with friends of the opposite sex, but when you're sharing things with her that you should be sharing with me, well, that crosses a line - part of it's my fault, though, since I try to tread so lightly about his recovery.