Are happy endings possible? - Al-Anon Family Group

Seahorse7 · Veteran Member

Are happy endings possible?

Luiza · Senior Member

Hi Seahorse.

I decided to get a happy ending for myself.
I sometimes feel I wasted 9 years but I am sure I learned a lot about relationship and about myself during those 9 years. I needed some lessons and this was HP's way to teach me I suppose. Also I have my wonderful daughter and another nationality too, all due to my marriage, I have made wonderful friends and started a new career. Those 9 years led me to it.
I hope I can maintain a healthy relationship/friendship with my STBXAH in the near future once the separation/divorce is settled but it was time for me to let go and create a new life for myself.

I know there are people here still working on their marriage with As, I am sure they will come soon with their ESH.

Are you attending meetings?

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hugs))))) Seahorse,

I don't imagine that you have wasted 20 years, I seem to remember you mentioning that there have been good times as well. I can't tell you if your marriage will work out and I don't think that there are any hard and fast rules about whether any marriage will last a lifetime any more, regardless of alcoholism. Being married to an alcoholic is certainly difficult and more than most people can cope with. The support of others, mostly via Alanon, has been vital in preserving my sanity in the midst of AH's alcoholism. It is ok to walk away from an alcoholic marriage. It has been interesting for me to look at why I have not done that yet.

I have known my husband since we were sixteen. He has been my best friend and my rock for the majority of my life. He has been exciting, independent and challenging all of that time and those challenges that he laid down helped me to make the my best of myself sometimes. People have said that we were good together. I think we were. About fifteen years ago my husband and his best friend became drinking buddies. It was like watching Sinatra and Sammy Davies Junior sparring together. They both shone brightly and we all laughed and enjoyed the banter. Then the banter and fun just became an excuse for another drink. Then the pressure of work became an excuse for a drink. Then the need for a drink became the excuse. And during this period our relationship changed. The challenges became demands. The excitement became hurtful. We argued a lot. And I always thought that if I just did x, or y, or perhaps z it would be alright. And sometimes it was alright and that kept the wheel turning because I still had hope.

I suppressed my own character and needs in favour of the quiet life. I got my positive strokes through my work and with friends. The best that I could manage with AH was a bit of mothering I think. I started to dislike myself and I resented AH for putting me in a situation devoid of intimacy and support. So finally I gave up and stopped trying altogether. I liked myself even less at this point. When I finally looked at myself, at how tired I felt, how rarely I laughed I thought 'hey, I wouldn't want to be married to me. I need to fix myself.' I started doing things that I enjoyed, I started to make my life pleasurable regardless (within reason) of AH. I started to have a good time. I laughed more easily and enjoyed the view from my window every morning.

I think that took the pressure off our marriage. AH knew that some of the things he had done had hurt me and he didn't have the right tools to deal with that. Alcohol was his tool. Anyway, he didn't need to look at me and feel guilty any more because I was clearly having fun and after a while he had to look at himself. He made his own decision to stop drinking. That doesn't mean that the ghastly behaviour has gone away entirely yet. It doesn't mean that we are comfortable with each other. It does mean that there has been a positive change and things are not getting any worse.

Throughout all of this period I wondered whether or not our marriage was over and if I'm honest in some ways it was. I wondered whether a knight would arrive on a beautiful white charger to rescue me from this madness. Eventually I thought that was unlikely and if I was to learn anything from all of this experience the first lesson was that I should stand on my own two feet first. So without the handsome rescuer coming over the horizon I figured that I would be living a very similar life if I was on my own so why didn't I just get on with it without the divorce and then see what happened next.

I don't know whether or not AH and I will stay together. I do know that we are getting along better than we have done and that my life is more peaceful now than it was. I know that there is still a gap in me that is not filled but I also know that if I am to give healthily in any future relationship (with AH or another) then it is up to me to figure out what that gap is and how to fill it myself.

I hope that you don't mind my sharing so much of my story with you but I hope it helps a bit. I am an introspective person and I have started, finally, to learn to trust my inner voice again. My reactions to rude behaviour by AH are changing because of that self trust. I am my own white knight I think. So just for today I am still married to AH and just for today it is ok with me.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Some marriages do make it until one or the other person dies. I've known couples who have weathered the storms of active alcoholism and the storms of recovery, too. I filed for divorce after 8 years of marriage. None of those years were a waste. I learned a lot I might not have learned any other way. Until death do us part can mean until the end of a relationship and not necessarily the mortal death of one or the other partner. A life wasted for me would have been a life that I spent trying to keep myself safe, never took risks, never noticed the beauty of a sun rise or a sun set, a butterfly, held a baby, spent time in a grand body of water, let music move my soul or the taste of apple dumplings give me pleasure. Life, to me, is more than being married. It is being awake, aware and willing to risk.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I am not sure I had a Happy Ending" My marriage lasted for 23 years, 7 of which he was sober in AA until he passed of cancer after a short illness. Without alanon it would nhave ended during the drinking years.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Though I had to divorce my AH I had many many happy times with him with good memories. I regret nothing.

This is a horrible disease. I would say no as there is no ending it is not curable, and if they are using it will get worse and worse as it destroys them.

It makes most of them almost impossible to live with. I am sorry but that is my experience in my life and being here around 14 years.

So for me its moments of happiness. Really true of most relationships.

I am 61 sadly experienced so many of my dear friends die around 50 from the ravages of addiction. Some had been on program many years.

It's how you look at it. I guess no mind did not end well. I wanted to be with each of my husbands all my life. one died, one had brain surgery and relapsed.

I have been alone so many years..

Hate to say this, but it is truly my experience.

hugs honey!

oh as far a wasted time, you must have had some good things right?

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Seahorse, and welcome to MIP. I have been married to my ah for 39 years. He crossed that invisible line into alcoholism about 14 years ago. Only in the past few months has he started to change. He now drinks about 1/4 of what he used to drink. While I have not asked him, I feel his change in his drinking habits has been due to me changing. For so many years I tried to control his drinking. Of course nothing I did worked. If anything, I made his drinking worse. I fed his guilt which gave him more reason to drink and his drinking caused me to change into a person I'm certainly not proud of. Thanks to my HP and al-anon I am learning a new way to live with alcoholism. For now it's working for me.

So your question is whether or not there are happy endings. I guess that depends on the person's definition of what a happy ending is. Even though my h does still drink, we are enjoying a lot of things together. We especially enjoy camping and fishing. I have turned my h and his drinking over to my HP, as I know there is nothing I can do to help him. I asked for guidance from my HP daily in keeping myself healthy physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I don't know what kind of life I would have right now if it were not for my HP and Al-Anon, and for this I give thanks. I take one day at a time. I'm thankful to my HP for everyday my h is sober, and I let go and let God.

If you have not attended any al-anon meetings, I strongly recommend that you do.

It works if you work it. smile

Keep coming back.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I want to share with you one couple who did stay together. He worked his Al-Anon program. She worked her AA and later the Al-Anon program. They were in their 80s and were a very respected and much loved couple in our recovery circles. In fact, I called to talk with him one night, not knowing I was calling a guy - only his first initial was listed and she answered the phone. Gave me a recovering A's take on a situation that had me baffled with a non-recovering A. Big help to me. Anyway - none of their children were As and yet one of their son's died at an early age unexpectedly. These two were such fine examples of how to handle even sudden grief and one of the most difficult losses any person suffers in their lifetime. They stayed together and she didn't go back to drinking even after this event. Finally, they both had to enter Assisted Living together and could no longer come to meetings though they were still with each other and probably doing devotions and readings together every morning like they had always done. Each died within months of the other. We couldn't have been any happier for them than we were. They were good for each other and they were good for their children and they were good for our community. So, yes, there are some happy endings.

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