I admire the serenity in this arena. I'm a mess but thankful for you all. - Al-Anon Family Group

Kay10 · Member

I admire the serenity in this arena. I'm a mess but thankful for you all.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Kay, your honesty is refreshing. I can so identify with your anxiety and uncertainty. I too wondered if I was a bad person deep down and it was all just a pretend. Living with the disease of alcoholism affects us in a terribly negative fashion and we lose ourselves and our self-esteem. I do believe that Al-Anon gave me back the only thing that was truly mine, myself, and I will never abandon me again.
It certainly sounds as if you are taking all the right actions attending meetings getting a sponsor and sharing. It is a process so please do keep showing up and sharing the journey here as well.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I am glad you are here. Believe me it will help you to find peace.

One thing that I swear saved my life was doing the ONE day at a time. I learned to do all what I had to, then let it all go and rest or play. All I could do was do what I could that day. I did things for me. I asked hp to hold onto me tight. He sure did.

I do not worry anymore. I may get concerned. But no wasted worry. I take things as they come and deal with them. I am not hard on myself ever.

i invite you to find what you like about you. Even if it is only your hair or your nose. Each day find something. Also for me I kept journals of everything. wrote reminders, books to read, movies to see. things i needed, wanted.

goals.

Keep it simple. Your AH is going to do whatever he is. Its not our job to watch or count for them. What helped me was loving him no matter if he was drinking or not. I detached from HIS disease. IF he was icky I learned to go read or whatever.

I sure hope you find serenity. Its all inside you. Find what you love and what you are passionate about and go for it. I am mostly happy on my little farm. I am a vegan, I love to eat, laugh and smile. I have all the animals I want and enjoy them sooo much.

My foundation is my serenity. NO ONE can break it. Even when my heart was broken I still had me, my serenity.

I sure hope you keep coming. hugs!!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I, too, developed that concern when I was living with active alcoholism. Of course, while I was focused on him and on our marriage, I didn't have time to focus on what I believed about me. It was when I was first separated from him that the low self-esteem and fear began to surface. This is what I learned: I wasn't a bad person. I was a person who had stayed in a situation that was killing me and it wasn't because I was being punished for something I'd done or not done. It was due to a disease that neither my x or I recognized or even knew anything about. I worried and learned that I couldn't totally stop worrying, so I'd permit myself 5 minutes a day to rock in a rocker and worry. When the timer went off, I was done with my worrying time out, and could move on with a focus on things like getting supper for the kids, baths, night time prayers and goodnight kisses, and then talking with friends on the phone. I did what I could and let the rest go. When I knew I had done my best, I'd turn the rest of it into my HP's hands and was never disappointed. The rest of the e/s/h shared above is wonderful guidance and wisdom for you, too. Glad you're going to Al-Anon and sharing here, too. Finding things to be grateful for each day - as tiny as a pretty rock or as big as a surprise you didn't expect - is a big, big help to start and end your day, too. (((K)))

Spur · Senior Member

Welcome Kay. You're in a good place here.
We do tend to be our own worst enemies a lot of the time because we listen to too many thoughts going on in our heads. We have to learn to quiet all of those thoughts and focus on what we need to do today or in the next 15 minutes. The rest of it isn't worth worrying about because it hasn't happened yet. If you're rehashing stuff that happened yesterday or last week, let it go. Live in the present.

Let me suggest that you go to YouTube and listen to some of the Al Anon presentations. You will laugh and you will cry at some of the stories because we can find ourselves in other people's experiences with an alcoholic spouse or other family member. Misery loves company but together we have the knowledge and the strength to make our lives better.

-- Edited by Spur on Monday 22nd of September 2014 10:41:23 PM

tpotterf · Member

Great idea Spur! I did not even know there were any on there.

Spur · Senior Member

Here's a link to get started:

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_fvn0XQ4tZc

youtu.be/HnIxi5qjL2E

-- Edited by Spur on Monday 22nd of September 2014 11:32:43 PM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember feeling especially wobbly when AH first stopped drinking, it was a time when I distrusted everything, which was so silly really because I was just projecting my fear onto lots of other things that I did not need to be so negative about. I also remember being my own worst enemy, in fact I still do that one, but I am also reminded about the time when I realised that I had nothing left to give, to anyone. For me that was a ghastly place to be, it totally undermined something that I had liked about myself. When I accepted that I was in this dark place I started to focus on what I needed. I imagined that I was a friend and asked myself what would I do for that friend if she was in my situation? I couldn't solve her problems but perhaps I'd buy her some flowers or some pretty nail polish. And that is what I started to do for myself. Who knew that I would start by gifting myself, just for myself! And after a time I wanted to make others smile because their smiles were gifts for me as well. I started with the huge challenge of making the checkout girls smile every time I went to the shops - believe me, it is possible!! I also became aware that if I gave to much, or gave when I didn't want to, I would grow tired of giving again. This is a huge change in me and it has given me the gift of discernment so I don't wear myself out with trying to please other people which just used to leave me feeling bitter at the end of the day.

I like Spur's suggestion of the Youtube videos. Like you it did not occur to me that they might be out there and now I am starting my day sitting on my porch with a tapestry that I enjoying doing and listening to someone guiding me through the steps. I think this is my serenity for today.

PS You are not a bad person (although I can completely relate to thinking that everyone should go jump in the lake!! I used to beat myself up as well just for thinking that way.) Take care of you and recharge those batteries. I'm picturing us all jumping in the lake with whoops of joy and holding hands. The sun is shining, do you want to join us? It feels like fun!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

When I first began my recovery I had sessions with an addiction counselor. One of my homework assignments was to give me a gift everyday. It did not matter what it was, the point was to change my thoughts, to see me as worthy enough to receive gifts and to SEE gifts. I began to see that time with me sitting on my back step watching the dragonflies was a gift, a piece of gum i gave to me was a gift, a trip to the bookstore was a gift, etc. This practice worked then and it works now. You will be fine if you work the program as al anon designed and you have lots of new friends to hold your hand.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Kay. I was exactly where you are five months ago. I was giving up on my ah and on my life. However, God led me to the doors of Al-Anon. Something we have to understand is that we did not get to this point over night. We did not become such a mess over night and we are not going to be able to "fix" ourselves over night. You have an awareness that I did not have when I found Al-Anon, so you are already on your way to finding that serenity. Living with alcoholism causes our lives to become kinked with disappointments, anger, and resentments. I actually was experiencing a lot of rage. However, those kinks can be removed "one day at a time." Focus on the positive things you like about you. Make an assets lists.

Keep going to your al-anon meetings, keep reading the al-anon literature, keep working the slogans and steps. Focus on fixing you and hand your ah over to God. Let go and let God.

Keep coming back. smile

((Kay))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Kay - Bad people do not worry over whether or not they are bad people. You are being intensely harsh on yourself. Perhaps write a list of your assets and gratitudes each day for a bit? It has taken a lot of strength to balance this all with an alcoholic husband. It's time for healing not being your own enemy. If I could erase all that negative self-talk from you head, I would - but alas, you have to monitor it and answer back to it rationally and with kindness towards yourself.

Kay10 · Member

You are all wonderful, thank you. I want to reply to you each individually but I don't have time right now. Going to get my hair done! For me! Maybe my nails too! I'll be back later!!! Hugs to you all

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Yay!!!! That is the best reply you could give us Kay

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Good for you, Kaye.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

OH YEAHHH!!! I'm doing a HAPPY dance for you, Kay. Way to go....Doing something for you!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.