Passive-agressive behaviour - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

Passive-agressive behaviour

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I think its about showing her healthy boundaries. If hes being nasty then maybe removing yourself and your daughter from the room or his company, no5 engaging in it and distracting her from any drama may be a good way to handle it. Challenging him in front of her may cause an argument or tension and thats not fair. Do you attend meetings?, you will get support and learn how to cope in the best way for you and your family.

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh I think this is a tough one. I struggle with remembering I am powerless over others' actions. I don't ever want to be slimed by someone's misbehavior. I've found letting their comments lie flat on the floor while I find physical distance. Fresh air always works to remove me from what they're spewing, but they certainly continue.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I find that keeping the focus on myself and validating who I am and what I believe without atttacking the other person works wonders.
For example he might say "That was a stupid decision" -- I would simply state:" I do not agree I evaluated all my options and made an informed choice. I am surprised that you disagree" Then walk away Your daughter will see that you are confident and unafraid.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I like what Betty said. Also you can make a boundary of when people don't talk to me with respect I will leave the room and not engage. simple

I agree that the kiddo needs to see your respectful response to his insanity.

I deserve respect and refuse to engage in inappropriate behavior.

Wish my Mother would have thought to teach me what I know now. But she was shy too.

A mean neighbor threatened to shoot my dog. She was on a leash. I was so upset I ran home and call the police. The police told him to not speak to me again or they would arrest him....

I used to cry when people were mean to me. Now I confront and don't walk away. i deserve respect. So your daughter will learn by your respectful comments. Not by anything mean said back. That just brings you down to their level. Mother taught me that...she took an assertiveness training class. Changed her life.

I sure did love my Mother! hugs

Luiza · Senior Member

Most of the times he is not even speaking directly to me but to somebody else next to me so I can hear.

e.g. daughter wanted to watch a movie that was PG12. She asked me and I explained it's not suitable for her age. Knowing her dad say yes to everything, she asks him and he says yes...confused by such different parenting styles, she said to him that I said the movie isn't suitable for her to watch..he than says to her in a way I can clearly hear: "mum will say this even about Thomas the tank engine"

Thomas the tank engine is a cartoon aimed to babies and toddlers btw.

He likes to undermine me. My daughter is learning how to play games.
I couldn't ignore it. I known it sounds minor but I really don't need this in my life.
I challenged him and he apologised quickly and said it was a joke. It wasn't. His voice was nasty.
Him saying it was a joke makes even harder for me to let go. I don't want my daughter confused about how a partner is supposed to to behave and treat her.

Anyway, I asked him when he is moving. He is now taking 2 weeks off work from next week, so he can have time to find a place, pack and go.
Please HP let him find a place he can afford quickly.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hugs)))) Luiza.

Some people with low self esteem big themselves up by putting others down. It does not make them look good and it probably does not make them feel good for more than a moment either. I am also very capable of passive aggressive behaviour. It is not a joke. It is nasty. And people only do it if they feel as though they can get away with it. I used to put myself down and one day AH asked me why I did it. The truth was that I thought it hurt me less when I did it than when he did it so I would try to get in first. I was wrong about that, I was hurting myself. Anyway, these days I keep the word 'dignity' in mind and sometimes the dignified thing is to walk away.

((((Hugs))))) Betty - I just love and adore your response 'I'm surprised you disagree'

Oh I do hope that I remember that one when the moment arises. I'm not 100% sure that my motives are pure, but I think I'll be raising one eyebrow as I say it!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

My dry ah started with the passive aggressive stuff, and it is very
Nasty. It is meant to demean and demoralize you. They don't
Come at you head on but thru bad behavior that is hard to call them
On. It is meant to hurt and take control. It is a sneaky way to
Be nasty and to also they emotionally check out of the relationship
With that type of behavior.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Validating yourself works here as well. Instead of jumping in reacting and arguing with him and asking:" why he said this", simply stating with confidence, "that is not so, my decisions are not arbitrary as I check the reviews of the movie before making my decision . This movie is rated above her age level."

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Love the thread. Love the shares. Thanks, all.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I've been there done that on this exact conversation. My AH would usually say, "Your mom is overprotective. You're gonna have to see a boob some day, so I think it's fine to watch this." ARGH!!! Yep, I get it. And, I've tried every tactic in the book including something similar to what Betty stated above and even pointing out the ratings and reviews online, etc. It really became a useless argument and I got nowhere. Now, I just don't react or say anything. My son is a teenager so I talk to him about it. I let him make the decision as to whether he wants to watch something and if he doesn't, I talk to him about speaking up to his father or leaving the room to do something else.

As a side note: I've also hid the remote. Not one of my better moments but it was funny to watch him try to find it. Or, if I see him haphazardly leave the remote in the laundry room, I don't put it back in the family room for him. I watch him run around the house looking for the remote saying, "Now, where did I put it? HMMM?" And, I say NOTHING. Ok, that might be mean, too, but for 20 years I used to be his 'finder' every time he misplaced something and I'd be the one running around finding his lost object. Now, I just observe or read a book.

Advocate_For_Steve · Member

Self-centered behaviors, manipulative thinking patterns, and low self esteem are each undesirable characteristics to have. Mix them all together in one A's brain, and you've got a...well, I was going to say "cocktail" biggrin ...but a mixture that equals no fun to be around in life. I find that I daily need to evaluate options in ways to detach, or otherwise deal with, these comments and behaviors from my AF.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My hat is off to some of you who have lived a long time with an active "A." 8 years was my limit. The effects of the disease? A lifelong issue it appears. :^)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.