son moving out today - Al-Anon Family Group

Cooper · Veteran Member

son moving out today

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

He's not on his own. His HP is with him. Of course, whether or not he acknowledges his HP is up to him. In my own experience of an HP, HP never gives up. If that is true for me who is just an ordinary woman, I can't help but believe that is true for every other human being, too.

There are supports in place for people that aren't perfect but they are a better option than living on the streets. Your son can take advantage of those supports or not. It's all up to him.

I, too, had to separate myself physically from my son as the disease progressed. I didn't want to do that and yet I saw there was no other option available to me that was sane. Learning what to do with the hurt and fear I felt/feel is still in progress and I've gotten better at living my own life for me, keeping my heart open in love and praying for my son without trying to manage, mother, control or direct him anymore. I did the best I could to raise him when he was younger and although my best wasn't always THE BEST, it was what I needed and knew to do at the time. Now, he is an adult who can work on his own issues or not. I must work on mine, too. That is the only place I have any control.

Many prayers for you and encouragement to continue with Al-Anon recovery work. It will make a huge difference for you. Learning to forgive myself for being a young woman affected by alcoholism and violence in my FOO, my high school, and my work life and not getting help for it before I married or had children helped me let go of guilt and shame that benefits neither my children or me. Knowing I did my best at the time and now that I know better I can do better has also been a help to me. Trusting that my adult children are in the hands of their HP now and putting them into those hands repeatedly when I feel fear for them or major concern but really see or intuit nothing I can actively do to truly be of help also keeps me out of the way and doing what I can to live my life according to spiritual principles. I slip. I fall. I get back up. I try again. I've learned that is about the best I can do. My children's lives are their own now. I can love them. I can pray for them. I can't heal or restore them if that is what they need. Only their HP can do that and I'm simply not that.

Keep coming back and working your program. Sending you lots of encouragement and support. This is a difficult road we travel together.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 14th of September 2014 09:33:52 AM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I think him moving out will be the best gift you could give your son right now. You understand he has to make it on this own no matter what happens...he has to grow up and take responsibility. Every time I see my son in prison I see a different person coming out. He has changed so much in these last 6 months. He is growing...he is understanding himself...he is taking responsibility for his choices. The one thing I hear from him all the time is if he wasn't where he was he would be dead and this prison is the best thing that could ever happen. He told me his anxiety and depression is going away. His head the calming down and he can think more clearly. In all his short years he thought his mental problems were because he was born with it but now sees it was the drugs and alcohol. He has classes everyday along with AA and a counselor appointment weekly. He will be going to a job starting next month and he excited about it.

All in all he understands where he is at and is making the most of it...he's is loving his recovery.

Now I know some A's can do it the easy way and seek help from AA and some will need a more intense and structured long term help ....that was my son.

We can pray that whatever their choice is that it will help them grow up and continue long term sobriety. No guarantees but we as mom's didn't interfere anymore.

((( hugs )))

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course you are. I found telling mine I believe in you. I know you can figure it out. or say so what are your ideas on this, always being positive and supporting and not "momming" him. lol

I learned to give it all to HP. all of it. It ate me up at first. He chose to leave instead of getting a job. he was homeless, money less. That boy of mine is now a man, a lead man for a major remodel company, has high morals, wont take any crap from anyone, stands up for himself very well.

But believe me when I dragged him off to go to survival back packing I was scared to death.

The best thing we can give them is support in positive ways, even if we see the uh ohs nad what ifs....let them fall and figure it out.

Hugs hugs

intoit · Member

Hi Cooper,

My AS has been out of the house now for a little over two months now. There's not a day I don't think about him and how he's doing. The worse thing I still do once in a while is "imagine" how bad things are for him then I find out he's doing OK by his standards. He's working and is sleeping on a couch at someone's place but he's safe and supporting himself - at least for now. His brother recently had surgery and he went to visit him at his apartment (they live fairly close) and he did say that he is feeling abandoned and that we are not helping him. He also asked him if he had any alcohol. So yeah, it's VERY difficult to let go but the upside is - home life is much calmer, I'm much calmer, hubby and I can go out without worrying (we actually never left the house as we were afraid of leaving him alone) and we are actually finally just beginning to enjoy our time together. AS is very clever and smart and we are really hoping that he gets the help he needs. I know he resents me the most (as I was the biggest co-dependant and enabler) but that's OK. He also knows I love him and always will.

I'm just new to all of this and have only been attending alanon locally for about 7 months - it has helped immensely - so keep coming back and keep working the program. It does help!

Hugs to you and best of luck to you and your son.

vm54 · Member

I'm new here, but my daughter has been living with me in a basement apartment for the last 3 years (now with her husband). I wish she would move out, because she has made our life a living hell. When she moved back with us to finish college, we set rules she needed to be in by 11, etc and at first she followed them, but she gradually got worse . During the last month she said she has been working 12 - 36 hour shifts at her night job, but she says she is working the next day. We know she lost her job and her internship weeks agao and she has been going to a guys house to get drunk every day. He has 4 DUI's and a Breathalyzer on his truck, so it's convenient for him to drive her car home from bars when they are both drunk.

We feel guilty, because even though we know she is drunk and putting herself in harms way, when we don't expect her home we don't have to keep listening for her car, expecting her to come home it is a lot more stress free here. We have been trying really hard not to think about her and concentrate on ourselves, but it's like a black cloud raining on us all day long. I would be overjoyed if she would go to a halfway house or anyplace living by herself or her husband, but not living with an alcoholic she just met last month. We know she is never going to get better if she can't get away from him and as long as he keeps paying for everything for her (everything except her real bills, like gambling debts, car payments) and buying her all the booze she wants, I'm not sure how long it will take for his money to run out.

So it is worrisome when you can't see them, but at least you don't KNOW they are in trouble. You can imagine they might be alright for a little while and it's a lot easier to forget their problems when their car isn't missing from your driveway all the time.

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