I don't think it is unusual. My x's in-laws pretty much disappeared into the woodwork in relationship to me. I invited them to my home and to spend time with the children and they chose only to see my children when my husband had them. I don't know why. I do know that it is very difficult in divorce situations to try to remain neutral - especially when your own heart is breaking for your child and your daughter in law. I respected my in-laws enough to just let them go and to have no expectations of them and without closing the door on their seeing their grandkids. That's all I could see to do that would be healthy for me.

Thank you pink and grateful it is just so painful to be a big part
Of his family for them to be snarky after all these years. My MIL
Is leading the charge.

Yes i am working on myself, have tons of support,even went out
To dinner with a friend. But the grieving process is killing me, it
Has been a real rollercoaster ride. But again lots of support ftf,
Online and going to divorce care group at the church. They help
you Thru the pain of divorce. I even am going back to my drug
And alcohol therapist. The pain is so intense, i know it shall pass.

I can not imagine not grieving from a divorce there is so much
Unfelt pain lingering in your soul. It bubbles to the surface and
Needs to be faced and felt.

PS: Snarky can be a big cover up for all sorts of confusion, grief and concern. I've known some really difficult people that revealed things about themselves I didn't know they were experiencing or had experienced at the time. What they shared with me shed light on their changed behaviors for me and helped me recognize how little I truly know about anybody when they are behaving snarky or grouchy or cranky or cold and it was nothing like I thought it might be.

I went through a big battle with feeling judged when I was first divorced. It was true, there were those who were judging me, but the biggest judge - the one I couldn't avoid - was the judge that lived in me. A relationship ends for many reasons - not all of them due to failure on anybody's part but because it is time. There are those who'll disagree with me on this, but I think we've shamed ourselves and each other enough for relationships that end. In reality, an ending only signals a new beginning.

There are no bad guys in marriages when a marriage ends. We don't have to find fault with ourselves or each other. We simply can agree that it isn't working for us anymore and let it go. I also know many women whose marriages didn't end in divorce but in widowhood. Many of those women said they weren't interested in marrying again. They enjoyed their singlehood. We no longer need to be married to respect ourselves or to be respected although that was a big thing when I was a young woman and did figure into some of the shame and guilt I carried and added to the pain.

I don't know if some of my story fits you and I wanted to share it in hopes it might give you a little comfort if a little of it does.

I wish I could say something to make the pain go away....it's so sad to hear and see someone go though this kind of pain. I remember when my SO left me for another woman and the hurt inside was so intense I didn't know if I was going to make it. Two years went by and I was over him finally but he came back and it was the biggest mistake I made was to take him back. The pain will ease with time and you can move on and find happiness again....just give it time.

(((( hugs ))))

Unfortunately, this is common. In laws will usually side with their blood relative like PC said. This happened in my first divorce. My current AH mother isn't calling me like she used to. However, his siblings agree with me because they are totally opposite of him. I guess it depends on the family.
Thank you so much for referring me to the divorce support group. I feel it was HP in the works since you told me about it last week and the first meeting was the following Monday. I feel your pain. Take care of yourself. We are here for you.

He might or might not care about the harm caused. You do and you are getting help for yourself and working on loving yourself in ways that can help you through this incredibly difficult, challenging and painful time. Perhaps reflecting on some of the things you have gained for yourself and have learned that are positive about yourself could be helpful, too? Making an assets list and a gratitude list daily or when you're feeling especially low could be beneficial, too? I have survived and learned to thrive after every ending I have experienced and being with folks who care about me, enjoying myself with them doing something fun, and reaching out to someone in kindness who is also hurting has helped tremendously. My divorce was my first experience of that heartbreaking experience of grief. Until that time, I had buried so much that happened to me because I didn't know how to help myself or who to go to share what had really happened to me prior to my marriage. The divorce actually was a healing thing for me although at the time it didn't feel that way. Keep on sharing with us and doing what you are doing, M. There will be a rainbow following this storm if you keep at caring for yourself and a new life for you that is better than the one before it. (((M)))

There are some things that you will not be able to just "not judge." Over time it will stop hurting though. I promise that. I don't think you will ever think of him and not have judgment over the way he ended this marriage. It just won't hurt as much and you wont spend as much time thinking about it because you will have moved on. It will be more like just "facts." Kind of like "Yeah, he was a creep and an adulterer." You may even laugh about it one day in the future. You are just grieving now. It is okay.

Careful about your internal dialog though. I'm more concerned about you judging yourself than him and also basing your self-worth on what he may or may not be thinking or doing. Focusing on "I'm old news and he has an exciting new relationship" is not helping you. Remember, you can choose to interpret this all in ways that are not so crushing and may actually be more accurate. What about "I may be old news, but who wants to be news in that crazy newspaper" or "I may be old news to him but my news is pretty current and exciting to me" OR..."His relationship may be exciting or not but it probably is a rebound, rooted in immaturity, and it's silly to compare myself to whatever nonsense he has going on with this person." Lots of more positive ways to interpret so that you protect your self-esteem. It truly is not based on him, what he thinks, or what he does. I know that is very hard though after 29 years. Grieving will take time.

(((M))) My mother didn't either. She was a very complicated person who had so many talents, skills and abilities. She also didn't like me and made no bones about it. Yet, I loved her and believed in her although I wouldn't allow myself to be her clone. She didn't like that and it only served to increase her hostility towards me. Shortly before she died, I can remember being in her company when she told me my son was a loser and also made known some other things that crushed me but I wouldn't let her see it. I can remember going home that day and wondering that if I died and met the HP I believed in at the time would S/He ask me who loved me or would S/He ask me who I loved and how well? I decided I would be asked how well did I love myself and the people in my life and not the other way round. I, too, moved away from my parents which made it more possible for me to grow into the person I was meant to be and yet that didn't take totally away from the reality that I wasn't always treated in ways by them that I needed but that others could do that starting with me. It is good that you see where you end and your mother begins. It helped me to look at what I could cherish and honor in my mother and work on emulating those things. It also helped me to look at what she did or didn't do that struck at me like an axe against my heart and get help for those things as you have done and are doing. Recognizing that Mom was doing the best she could as I was with what we both had to work with helped release me from judgment of myself and of my Mom. That doesn't mean there wasn't harm done because there was - on both sides - either unconsciously or with malice of forethought - didn't matter. There was harm done. Learning to accept that I was damaged and that my issues were mine to work on and not my Mom's responsibility was difficult especially when I discovered that some of what Mom did was also some of what I did because I didn't know another way at the time. Forgiving myself helped me forgive her and helped me realize that we had a lot in common - some good and some not so good - and there were also some differences in us - also some good and some not so good and in owning what isn't or wasn't so good in me I could start to go to work on that which was still wounded and painful in me.

My MIL was also very spoiled and also very damaged. Although my FIL was a very good man and not abusive, he did allow his sons to include my husband to talk to his wife and their mother as if she was some kind of fool. They were allowed to curse her to her face - something that floored me and that I didn't know or see until after we had been married. She hated women and passed that on to my husband who in turn hated women himself. Of course, I didn't see that or know that until years later when I woke up myself to how often women compete with each other rather than cooperate with each other and to me that stems from women not valuing themselves. The stings and arrows that women can sometimes spew at each other - and again I'm not sure that is always conscious - while upholding a man's maltreatment of them is an area of concern for me that came about as I slowly climbed out of the shadows of being affected by alcoholism in my FOO and other systems designed to keep folks from seeing their incredible power and capacity for greatness in our world. None of us are stars by ourselves but we are stars that are interconnected and it takes our seeing our own beauty that lies within before we can see the beauty of the other that often gets hidden under wounds and lies.

It is my belief now at almost 66 that we truly are mirrors for one another. What we see in another is often in us. The only difference is whether or not we act on that within us that is broken and marred or on that within us and others that is true, deserves respect, honest, pure, admirable, decent, virtuous or deserving of praise. We can either curse the darkness within us and others or praise the light that is there, too.

Sleep well, M. You are loved and you are cherished as the beautiful woman you are. The world needs you and I know this is true because you exist.

Thank you cathy for your insights and wisdom.

It appears, Mirandac, that you have been living pretty much in a closed system that leaves little room for outside influence to challenge its belief systems. Perhaps this divorce will help to bring you out of that system into a new life with new folks whose minds and hearts are open to new learnings and leanings toward unconditional love both given and received?