And I would document these interactions.

Hi Flower,

I like Paula's suggestion, as well.

You may very well be last on his list of priorities for a long, long time or forever, which ever comes first. Please take care of yourself and do everything you can to meet your own emotional needs, however that looks.

You are so worth your best care.

Temple

If you don't really need the money, I wouldn't come around for it. it's his responsibility to deposit it, therefore he should, why should you have to go running around town because he broke his word? I would expect him to do it tomorrow, and on time from hereafter .

I don't know what the consequence would be for a broken boundary. It sounds like he has pretty much everything he needs at the 1/2-3/4 house and that staff isn't helpful with these kinds of situations. Whatever it is, it should be about you anyway, not punishing him, but how you would respond to protect yourself from the crossed boundary. You won't talk on the phone until he gets his check deposited? He may not care, but it would keep you from having to feel like you have to argue with him, so that would be more for you than him.

Kenny

He's got you on the run and it helps him feel powerful. I'd drop my end of the rope by expecting him not to come through and doing what I can with what I have to work with in this situation. My x pulled the same kind of stuff and I'd chase after him until my Mom asked me if it was worth the grief and the stress to me to try to make an unreasonable, unreliable and irresponsible person be what he would probably never be. She also asked if there was an easier way for me to earn the little bit of money I was chasing him to receive. When I dropped my expectations and my hopes, I also dropped a ton of weight from my shoulders and my heart. I did pursue him by filing with the courts and let them chase him and garnish his wages when it came to child support but I never mentioned what he owed again. I understand what he owes isn't for child support and what he does owe and doesn't pay can result in him not having a home to go to when he gets out. You don't have to say that to him and he can find out about it if you're ready to cut your losses after he gets out. There are consequences to bad behavior in life and realistically, nobody can expect to live for free wherever they go. That might not change him or his behavior and it may give you some real needed relief from the game.

Everyone thank you. This whole money thing is downright stupid and he does use it to lord power over me, then acts like a wounded bird when I talked to him at lunch and thinks I shouldn't hold him accountable to what he says he is doing to try and reconcile our life together. This whole money thing was suggested by my counselor and also my divorce attorney, it was to allow for small building blocks of trust and responsibility that he says he wants to earn back from me. The divorce attorney suggested he start making payments because if we end up down that road it's not going to be to pretty for him and this was a form of an agreement that was acceptable to both of us and something he could afford for the time being. Pretty much he has skated out on his huge financial mess he made here and I know truly he won't ever really pay it all back, unless I chase him around etc. He is two payments behind and his gaming me today pissed me off, but I can say I didn't holler, cuss, preach none of it. When he did call at lunch I simply said, We agreed you would make your deposit in the special account on Thursday. It is due today, not tomorrow, either get permission to deposit or I will be there at 5 to pick it up. He called me back two minutes later and said Ok, it will be in the bank today. I said thank you and then he very rudely and sarcastically said Anything for you honey. Debilyn is correct even though he is in a home, he should be putting his family first, but he constantly tells me it doesn't work that way.


I am not about punishing him, but I do think that if you can carry out all your commitments to your house and everyone else, then you better do it here, or I guess you just may not have a home, motorcycle, truck, furniture any of it to come home too then. This is more about us working on developing a foundation of honesty, trust, responsibility and priorities. Kenny had a good idea no phone conversations till you pay what you owe or possibly not attending activities, he never gets it that what he does or doesn't do for his family does have a cause and effect and I am too blame quite a bit for him not seeing that because I never stuck to anything I said. It's truly his final opportunity to show a change or I am moving on. He doesn't believe me because I have never stood my ground with him. So we will see what happens with continued excuses for his lack of responsibility to his debts and his wife. He thinks he can do things a couple of weeks in a row and that should be good enough and I shouldn't have any type of feeling on his constant negligence. This will be the last time I ask him about it, discuss it with him anything. I keep track of what he does and doesn't do and keep my list of stay or go and review that on a daily basis to see where I am at with this mess. I do have to take care of me and I am kind of getting the hang of that.

 

 

The availability of automatic payment to an account that you certify is easiest and it is also legal.  wage garnishment to pay debts is lawful almost everywhere I know.  You need to provide the agreement to the payor of his wages and a few other hoops and you connect up with the source of the money and not him.  For him money is a security and takes away fear which a lot of addicted people feel all the time.  Trusting  him comes over time with practice on your part and performance on his. Allow him to "walk" the talk.  His counselor may want to address the issue with him as a part of his recovery plan cause it is a part of his recovery plan.   ((((in support))))

PS...When I worked in rehab, we had "coin outs" when they graduated..similar to what you said your AH was talking about. The feedback that the residents gave each other was ALWAYS along the lines of "I know you are gonna stay sober and do great! I love you. Don't let your wife stress you! You know what you gotta do!" Meanwhile, I would tell them all that I was NOT convinced they would stay sober and that many would relapse up to letting up on their programs. I also told them their journey was just starting and those that were going back to wives/husbands had a LONG way to go and a lot to prove through action more than words. Just saying all this to share what I know of newcomers coming from rehab/structured residential programs. Yeah, improvement over active addiction, but they are like 10 year olds...very frustrating. I feel for you Flower. He may or may not progress. It is unclear if he can only stay sober in an institutionalized setting versus the real world.

Jerry, you are so right. I love your advice. The downfall to this is his counselors and his recovery house don't feel it imperative or important that he be responsible to his family in way shape or form. There is no involvement with me, him, us and them. They frown on it and won't give him the resources he has requested.

Pink, they don't do positive reinforcements, such as you refer, it's encouraged to bash a guy, bash his family and see if you can force him to run and use. This program doesn't promote any of the things you normally see in recovery centers or sober living facilities. He is not allowed to have a sponsor while in the 1/2 way house and the counselors do tell them that their families don't mean a thing and it's just too bad if the families give up finally and just walk away, they think that they can force them to loose everything and that will make them stay sober. Over the last five months he has been there I have seen 4 marriages finally dissolved and it probably didn't have to be that way, had the family been given resource information and if the house had encouraged those with families willing to hang in there.

You are correct he takes selective feedback from juveniles and for the most part they are all young men, meaning early twenties and have nothing similar in life to what he does and looking in from the outside it is very clear that one size doesn't fit all. My AH has the mentality of a 16 year old and living with those in the mentality of 12 hinders his ability to mature, just what I see. Case in point, last night I called him at our designated time and a young man answered the phone by belching hello then making fart noises and finally said (Sober living house name). When I asked for my AH, he proceeded to come up with what he thought was a fabulous rap and was screaming (Yes, you are about to learn my last name, everyone it is real) Hey Money, no Money, cash Money, easy Money it be your HO on the phone Money. I was mad as hell about some punk calling me a Ho, and I said something to my AH. Today he says, we called a group meeting and told him that we won't tell staff on him but if he keeps doing that they will get him booted out. Then my AH said don't call staff and tell on him...OK because why? You all know it's wrong, you being the oldest "man" should step it up and let him know treating women in deragatory ways is no longer acceptable and you report it. He isn't able to because at his emotional mental level, you don't snitch out your fellow buddy. That's ok, at least I can see his emotional inabilities and can deal with them just as I would have with my 16 year old son at the time, also I know better now which fights to fight and which ones not to. I did tell him one more time anyone degrades, humiliates, or makes gross, inappropriate sexual remarks, shows their stuff, asks a woman from the women's program to get laid, I am going to tell staff.

He is staying sober and that is a good thing, the true test will be when he is allowed to have his home visits and then once he finally comes home full time. I know I have stressed to him many, many times that even though I am willing to give a try and reconcile, it won't be done unless we have marital counseling and our attempt doesn't guarantee we will stay together or that I can rise up to the challenge of supporting someone in recovery. I feel that being open and honest about it, is best for us all.