The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I noticed something new about myself this morning.
I mean, I still have a big long way to go but every so often I realise how differently I approach things these days and it just amazes me.
I got up early and went for a march on the beach. I get up early quite often lately, even when I don't need to. It's my new thing, lol. But the thing is, I've been feeling fat recently so when I woke up this morning, I thought, well, go march on the beach. The dog will love it, you will get some exercise, and probably feel good about it for the rest of the day.
So I did. And then on the way home, it struck me that it's so cool that I can just do something like that now, and enjoy it for what it is, and leave it at that. Once upon a time I would have been in a state, trying to plan how I could motivate myself to do it every day to lose weight. I would have spent the whole walk beating myself up over the fact that I probably WON"T do it every day so what's the point? Then I would have gone home and tried to be on a diet and obsessed about that all day. Then it would have all been too stressful and I would have given up. But instead I just enjoyed the walk. I didn't lose any weight, I didn't come up with a way to make myself do it every day from now on....I just had a nice fast walk and enjoyed it. Maybe I'm not explaining this well. But I used to spend all of my time thinking about how I was going to make myself do impossible things instead of actually doing stuff. I made it all so huge and impossible in my head that i never really did anything. I do lots of stuff now, because I don't feel like I have to commit to making it a lifelong habit if I do it once.
It just amazes me that I spent my whole life trying to think myself into doing things instead of just doing them today and leaving tomorrow for tomorrow.
I like this way better. I have achieved so much in the past 6 months or so, since I stopped trying to plan my whole life at once.
Groovy.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
It is a great feeling Kenny.
I guess it's just the simple idea of doing the next right thing and leaving the big stuff to HP. It's not a new concept I know, I was just amazed to realise how much it has become habitual to me now, and how many things I get to experience and enjoy...or, even when things go wrong, I get to find my way through them and then feel good about the fact that I managed.
The old thinking was very similar I think to A's thinking...unless I can work out a plan that will make the entire universe bend to my will, it's not worth even going outside....it was such a sad, paralyzing way of thinking.
or even worse, i would think up the potential pitfalls to every possible action and then not make a "sensible" decision not to do it...
Like this morning after my walk I was feeling brave and since it's my day off I decided to drive to the busy shopping center; I haven't driven there by myself before and have been too scared. I tried to talk myself out of it for a moment...do you know what my underlying logic for not driving very far or when it is busy has been? If I have an accident I will lose all of my confidence and won't be able to drive at all anymore. So I've been avoiding driving so that I don't risk doing anything that might stop me from driving. Ye Gods, it's mental but it's true. So I drove there and it started to rain, I had to talk myself through it the way my instructor had taught me (she was very insightful and told me I needed to focus on what was happening right now rather than be in a panic about what might happen when I get into heavy traffic or if there is nowhere to park or.....) Well when I got there it was crazy busy and I had to park in a really tight spot and then I was almost in tears worrying about how I would get out of the spot again because there was a truck on either side of me and no visibility... my instinct was to pull out straight away and go home just to get it over with because how can i possibly get out and enjoy a bit of shopping when i know I have to come back and get out of this dreadful tight car-park in what might be even heavier rain and, and, and....
Well, I gave myself a little talking to and got out and went for a walk, the first thing I did was say "sorry" to the guy who had parked behind me and he looked at me like I was nuts, what on earth was I sorry for??? Did I think he had been listening to my thoughts or something? I need to stop this apologising to strangers in the car-park thing LOL, I have as much right to be there as anyone else. Like I see that I have parked on a slight angle more than I should have or my nose is sticking out a few inches and everyone must be looking at me and thinking "she CLEARLY shouldn't be driving, what is she doing out in society without a chaperone" LOL. Meanwhile everyone else just parks like blind monkeys and I am worried that they will judge my slightly imperfect parking....it's quite funny really but seems so very worrying at the time.
ANYWAY to cut my long blathering story short, I made myself go and do some shopping and stop wanting to race home out of fear of "what if", and lol and behold when I came back to my car, all of the cars that had been parked around me had gone. (Perhaps they saw me pull in and quickly raced out to flee for their lives while I was shopping?)
Well I know I sound NUTS and this is just basic day-to-day stuff for most people but my reality has been, I had been so frightened and reclusive for so many long years that I couldn't manage any of this stuff and my life was just passing me by while I sat inside trying to think my way out. I don't know exactly what underlying isms I have that have made me so frightened of everything (I wasn't always) but I do know that al-anon thinking has transformed everything for me, I'm still scared but I CAN do stuff now and it's pretty awesome. Magic, really.
Like going to classes. I don't think i admitted this here but i had a huge panic attack on the first day and didn't go. But I pulled myself together the next day and went and faced the music and now I love it, I love being part of a team, I love how courteous and respectful my classmates all are to each other, it's my favorite part of life at the moment, just being out in the world with people doing stuff.....magic.
Yay!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
What simple wisdom can be found in the statement: leave tomorrow for tomorrow! Isn't it true how often we human beings stress so much about what's not happening that we fail to notice the beauty in what IS happening all around us!
Ok and (eeek, my computer hijacked my message!)
Was gonna say this: here we say we went for a walk down the beach; your word march coupled with the new pic of you in green hat has me smiling at the image of you marching down the beach like a child who has been told to go to his room marches off in a huff, green hat an all!
-- Edited by likemyheart on Thursday 11th of September 2014 03:23:07 PM
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hey that is so grooovy right enough. I can get lost in the whole neat yourself up self talk. I think you just described brilliantly the idea of one day at a time. For today, you had a nice walk and enjoyed it, yesterdays gone and tomorrow might never come. Thank you, so good.x
I totally get it. My mind loves to ruminate over things. Especially choices. I will make a choice after a lot of debate in my head. Then I will question if I made the right choice. It's hard. I hear you about exercise. I need to lose weight. But I am building muscle and my clothes are looser. So I have to ignore the scale for the most part. Gosh I love to beat myself up. I loved the "blind monkeys" comment about the parking lot. It sounds like you analyze everything like I do. Brains spinning a mile a minute. I love your stories.
I love this share and love hearing your recovery! I used to paralyze myself with fear, what if I made the wrong decision or said the wrong thing, now I know oh well. I will apologize and move on with my day when and if I mess up. I like the slogan do the next right thing and by the end of the day I stayed in forward momentum out of my head moving forward. Some days I take baby steps and some days I run full speed ahead, depends on so many factors. The first thing I do is give myself a break and realize my decisions are not all powerful and the people that matter won't judge me as harshly as I have judged myself. So glad to hear you are letting go and living! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
