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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Learning so much about my own tendencies, I'm ready to move to a deserted island!
Post Info TOPIC: Learning so much about my own tendencies, I'm ready to move to a deserted island!
Kay10


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Learning so much about my own tendencies, I'm ready to move to a deserted island!
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So I'm learning to live life on life's current terms. Trying to let go and let God, and working to better understand myself and how I relate to others. As I become more aware, and as I consciously try to work through the thoughts and feelings and anxiety that are ME.... I realize that I have basically surrounded myself with persons who are ridiculously needy!  Not only my AH, who is definitely the number 1 offender, but just about everyone else that I have frequent contact with! 

As I analyze it I find myself becoming bitter (Just being honest, I'm working through it, but bitterness is really happening). I'm ready to tell them all to go take care of their own crap so I can take care of mine! I'm not their mother, and im not responsible for them or their feelings!

i say this after coming to realize my codependent tendencies to feel deeply responsible for the feelings and emotions of others. Deeply responsible. obsessed to the point where I can't sleep or think or do anything else until I do something for them (whoever it happens to be at the moment, there are plenty!) 

and I feel like I'm just destined to be screwed for caring, because these "needers" have no time or concern for me. they don't care about what's going on with me, I'm just a magnet for users!

i would like to move far away, drop them all, go live on an island.... I know, counter productive extreme thinking. Can't wait to read your responses, please someone talk some sense into me and share some experience strength and hope! 



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pinkchip


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By engaging in more self care, you will attract others who are more dynamic and independent. You will also have less time for the needy and they will either grow up or fade off. This has been my experience.

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el-cee


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Hi kay, great post, your awareness and honesty is admirable and thamks for sharing. I can relate, I have also attracted needy people amd I came to see that it was due to my lack of self esteem which meant I could only feel comfortable with unhealthy people, really based on my own negative thinking and low self worth. The more I work on myself the better I feel inside and im much more likely to do only what I want to do for others.



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andromeda


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Kay, I had to step back from destructive people in my life. Some were A's, some were not. I was able to re-enter relationships with them after working my own recovery and learning about boundaries. We don't usually recommend things her that aren't Al Anon approved literature but I encourage you to research the books called 'Boundaries' by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. FYI: they are Christian books but I think they truly help people understand what it means to set a boundary and how to implement it positively into your life.

Then, I also encourage you to continue working a program of recovery. I recently reconnected with someone who I swear, used to suck the soul out of me because of her negativity and crazy making behaviors. Through working my 9th step, I made amends to her in person about how I didn't set boundaries with her, I didn't stand up for what I needed from the relationship, and I didn't stop her from her abusive talk, etc. I owned my side of the relationship and we have since reconciled and now talk every so often. We just got together for tea recently and I see that she hasn't changed, but I have and she has taken notice. Our relationship is different now and I feel that we are on equal ground, instead of in a one up, one down position(with me always being the one down).

What it really came down to was me feeling exactly as you do now and being willing to look inward to see how I relate to others dysfunctionally. It also meant that I had to end some friendships so that I could take the time for myself to heal. I can't do that in every relationship as I still live with my AH and I still had contact with my alcoholic father until he died, but putting recovery into practice was really what was necessary in my life. Do I do it perfectly now? Heck no, but we learn in Al Anon that it's 'progress, not perfection'. Keep coming back!

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Debilyn


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Great share and progress!! YAY!!!

even our family can be poison to us. All we have to do is not engage with poisonous people.

IF you are a giver, go volunteer with other givers for people who need it and love you right back!

Hey I will meet you there if it is a "desserted" desert island!!

 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
singingnick377


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Hi,

I can really relate to your share. This was me in the past. Always attracting people who I gave and gave to and they took and took. I still like to give to people but I now ask myself why I want to give so much and it came down to me wanting people to give back as much to me as I did them so I would feel loved and wanted. With the help of the programme for the last 5 years I have let some friends go and the kind of people I attract now are people who care for me. I can seem to spot the people who are the old kind of person and I am no longer interested. The more I think of myself and the more I am happy in my own company, the less I need acknowledgment from others. I've been really sucked dry in the past by friends and partners and I have often had times where I needed people to 'leave me alone and stop zapping me of energy'. I work on finding a balance now of making sure I give to myself and then give to people I want to give to, but my happiness and my serenity comes first. The programme keeps showing me ways how I can do this. I hope you find ways to make it work for you. 



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Nicola Mills
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Learning so much about my own tendencies, I'm ready to move to a deserted island!