Creating fantasies in my head to cope with the pain - Al-Anon Family Group

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Creating fantasies in my head to cope with the pain

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I have my experiences and won't speak to them here cause I've done this more than once. What your post bring up for me is the 2nd step especially the last word of the 2nd step. "Came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to SANITY'. I had higher power after higher power after higher power before finding the doors of the Al-Anon Family Groups...they were all female and "promising". "Promising" was a word that came out of my delusional thinking and need. "Insanity" was described to me inside of the rooms of Al-Anon as doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. I came to understand that very clearly looking at my behaviors which didn't come from reality or sanity. I was groping for happiness or rescue and the light was never on until I found the rooms of Al-Anon. There wasn't and isn't another person out there or thing or event that is responsible for my happiness or sadness...that is an inside job and for that I am responsible. I held many others up to Higher Power and held them responsible until I stopped finally and accepted that job as my own.

When I arrived at the 12th step of the Al-Anon program legitimately I had to nod at the reality which had become my life, "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we try to carry this message to others and practice these principles in all our affairs" I ironically no longer was having affairs. That was but one examples of the sanity which had entered by life.

I wonder for me what fantasies are like for sane people. I know what they are like for insane people...me. Sure are not reality.

In support. Keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand that nobody can make me happy...it's my job to be happy on my own. But letting my brain create exciting things can't be too bad...at least it keeps me from obsessing over AH and our crap.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand...when I obsessed that is all how I use to think...obsessively. I learned another way of doing it. There is another post on craving here which for me also reminds me of obsessive thinking. ((hugs)) smile

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I dont think its crazy and you said it yourself its due to your own symptoms being alive and kicking. Obsession, lonliness, wanting to be rescued are symptoms I can relate to. I looked outwards my whole life and had fantasies like yours. It was evidence of my unhappiness. Ive learned that I can be my own best friend, I dont need anyone anymore. I know how to look after myself physically and emotionally. I like my own company and I can reach out for company when I need to but at the moment im more interested in friendships. It was working the program that gave me a good reality that I try hard to stay in.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I get fantasy. As we know, meeting Liam is one of mine. Of course, I know that isn't going to happen and that is what makes the fantasy fun and safe. If I were fantasizing about a real person who is close to me, red flags would go up because the fantasy is no longer safe and won't be fun. Fantasy, we both agree, is storytelling and not real. It doesn't help me work through anything and it can heighten my pain more than mitigate it if I indulge it. There are better ways to work through grief and loss and Al-Anon program work is one of those ways. I was a grief facilitator for five years many years ago. I learned that 2nd marriages ended faster than 1st marriages because the grieving person had not worked through the 1st loss well and ended up choosing a mate who wasn't right for them or them for the other. Although I understand fantasizing, I don't recommend it for a way to grieve or to deal with ourselves and the reality of our current lives. I do recommend working the Al-Anon program, dealing with the issues that are yours now as you bring your marriage to a close, finding a good divorce support group, and choosing to remain single and rebuilding yourself and your life before you enter into a romantic relationship. Often, that need or desire for a partner is a smokescreen for our fear of being on our own. Facing that fear and learning that we can stand on our own two feet without a partner or a love interest other than our HP helps us improve our ability to choose wisely and well later. In my case, I learned that I prefer it and I'm not adverse to a partnership either, if that is my HP's will for me. My will got me into a lot of trouble. God's will for me has never disappointed me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of September 2014 05:58:27 AM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of September 2014 06:02:27 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When I broke up with my ex I can recall joking to my female best friend at the time about some hot male nurse at work that I was 99 percent sure was gay. It was a running joke with my best friend (whom I also was staying with for like a month after the break up and who was also my boss and coworker at the time) that I was going to marry this nurse, that he was going to carry me out of the detention facility all "officer and a gentleman style" and that all the little thug delinquent kids would be cheering and coming out of the closet as they witnessed this.

Not only was it a fun image, but it was also funny and I needed to laugh because it was all too much. I was crying a lot and I think when I devised that imagery above, it was the first time I laughed really hard after that break up. So no, it's not unusual.

The only thing I would caution is to remember what a healthy relationship looks like and keep that in mind and keep it distinct from your fantasy. A relationship you have to keep secret from your kids and one that is not integrated into your regular life is not healthy but I think you know that already.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 8th of September 2014 12:01:42 PM

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

My concern would be that I was setting myself up for failure - they guy is perfect in your fantasies, the situation is perfect, everything happening happens perfectly, but real life isn't perfect. Say you actually did go on vacation with him, discovered his imperfections and wound up dealing with the consequences of the endeavor (disease, pregnancy, finding out he's got a jealous girlfriend because he lied, is a little too fond of his adult beverages, etc.). I think fantasizing about a real life person you have contact with in a work environment would prime you into jumping in because he's perfect in your fantasies only to discover he's far from perfect once the damage is done.

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful: I agree with what you said about 2nd marriages. This is a 2nd marriage for me to AH. I was on the rebound from my first husband. Big mistake. So I can say for sure I will never get married again. I am glad you all gave me a dose of reality. PC: I love your fantasy. And I think it helps to have them to some degree so we can laugh and smile when we are hurting so much. If only people would really act the way we want them to in our fantasy brain! Ha!

If I actually did have a relationship with this person, it would be scandalous for sure.

Elcee I think you mentioned a divorce support group. Can you believe I am starting to go to one tonight? It is for 13 weeks at a local church. Only $20. It's a workshop. I am hoping it helps. My al anon meeting is at the same time, but I feel I need this workshop right now. They even have child care.
Will let you guys know how it goes.
So stay tuned...I might just write about another fantasy just to entertain you all. :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad you're going to this group, NLG. That support was critical when I divorced and it helped me through so much at that time. Good going!

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Speaking only for myself, while I found fantasies fun, it was always hard coming back to reality and I felt it made my reality that much more frustrating and painful to me.

"Why can't the AH be like this guy or do this thing and treat me the way I imagine this other person treating me...?"

When I found myself continually fantasizing about things that were out of my control - like wishing for the sexy gentleman to come out of nowhere and sweep me off my feet - it was really because I was in the throes of Step One. I was powerless over the alcoholism and my life had become unmanageable... so I fantasized.

It was a big step for me to admit my fantasizing was all hand-in-hand with how unmanageable my life had become.

I learned better fantasies for me were ones that could truly become reality because I was in full control of them. Actually they were less fantasies and more actual plans and actions: Things like treating myself better - doing for me what I wished the AH would do but never did - that kind of stuff (buying myself flowers, treating myself out to a nice restaurant, getting a massage, spending time with good healthy friends, etc.)

-- Edited by Aloha on Monday 8th of September 2014 05:27:49 PM

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

And on the other hand - I did have a fantasy that did come true. You might not remember some gal running on the beach, hair flying behind her (I think it was Bo Derrick?) and jumping into the arms of some guy for a commercial that I don't remember. I enjoyed the fantasy of someone running to meet me in an airport. Fast forward a few years and I was flying into to Las Vegas to visit with a guy I'd been dating who moved there to live with his parents while he worked on construction. I can remember flying in over the City at night - the sky lit up everywhere. It was beautiful. I entered the airport and could see "W" running through it with roses in his hands for me. He handed me the roses, picked me up, spun me around, kissed me and then took me about the City before we went to his parents, thrilled that I would fly out to see him. So, some fantasies do come true.

Oh, by the way. I broke it off with him later. He was very romantic and......he had a few issues that I noticed later on. The fantasy lived out was fun though.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of September 2014 05:42:32 PM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for sharing grateful. Sounds so romantic. Romance can also be just having a husband who does things for you like cooking dinner and cleaning the house. I would have loved that. Not too much to ask right?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

No, it isn't too much to ask. I did ask my x to cook lunch for me once. He never cooked. His Mom and then the Air Force did all the cooking for him. Nothing like Kraft Macaroni and Cheese standing in about 1 cup of milk. But, it was sweet that he tried it once. Has your husband ever done anything sweet for you?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yeah. I am married to the sweetest and most wonderful man. He has written me a poem every month anniversary now 48 of them (4 years). He cooks, is well mannered, thoughtful, spiritual, kind, stable...more than I could have dreamt up. We have traveled the world together and I love each day with our 6 pets in our lovely home. It is sometimes unbelievable to think back on what my life was like about 7 years ago. I'm happy with myself but the relationship is good too.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

So very sweet, PC, and you did the work to bring so much goodness into your life. You chose well. So did he. (Although, I'm not sure that making your bed is real, real necessary. biggrin )

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 8th of September 2014 08:23:30 PM

hgfgf · Newbie

I was married to my husband for 11years and we were both bless with three children, living together as one love, until this February when things was no longer the way it was [when he lost his job]. But when he later gets a new job 3 months after, he stated sleeping outside our matrimonial home. Only for me to find out that he was having an affair with the lady that gave him the job. since that day, when i called him, he no longer pick up my calls and nothing seems to come out good. Yet my husbands just still keep on seeing the new lady till Therapist Oniha of the winexbackspell@gmail.com cast a spell for me, now he is with me and my kids only. And i am happy with my family again ...it looks like a surprise to me but still i am very happy..thanks to Therapist Oniha of the winexbackspell@gmail.com if you need his help contact him on via Email: Therapist Oniha of the winexbackspell@gmail.com

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Moderator seems to be needed on the board to check out the poster hgfgf.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I pm'd her, but no answer yet.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Good, I was just about to. I wont spam them with mesaages about this

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Beautiful dog, Kenny. The mod's on it - or will be soon.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Kenny, I once had a dog that looked like yours, her name was Pippin...she was a sweetie.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Pippin! What a sweet name for a beautiful dog on the fantasy thread!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I named her after reading Lord of the Rings smile

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

smile

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

A few months ago I posted about a fantasy I was having about a friend whom I was communicating with on FB. I had 1 (yes, one!) phone conversation with him for 2 hours and I did exactly what you did. I had to step back, post here, and ask myself what my motives were and why was I doing this to myself.

To be honest, I still communicate with this friend but I stick to a private message on FB every so often and for some reason, my HP has released me from the fantasy and I came down to reality at some point. Reading this post brings it all back, though, and I remember thinking, "He's all I have looked for in a mate"....ummm, no, my brain was creating a fantasy around a flawed human being, LOL. We actually had a conversation last month and I realized that he would be too conservative for me, he was extremely patriarchal in his views of family and marriage, and he had some extreme views which he posted on FB that made me realize....yep, he's human and I need to come back to earth and put my focus on my relationship with God and figure out what I really want for myself and my future.

OH, and FYI, my current AH does the dishes sometimes and helps with the laundry, too, but it doesn't say romance to me anymore. All I think now is, 'it's about time he started helping me after all these years'....and that's when I realize I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I have no idea if anything I've said is helpful, I really wanted to just let you know that you are not alone. HUGS!

NL14 · Veteran Member

Fantasy is tempting when real life is hard and scary. I can easily get wrapped up in "If I win the powerball" fantasies (I don't even play the lottery) and my divorce fantasies are so detailed I have a Pinterest board with furniture and paint colors for the rooms I'd redecorate after my AH sweetly and understandingly moved out, leaving me the house and everything in it... It's more fun to think about these things than the hard work of living within our means or working on my messy marriage. Part of my self-work since I started therapy and Al-Anon is living in the moment, in the *real* moment.

But...I still don't think there's anything wrong with a little daydream now and then of being swept off on an all-expenses-paid vacation or two! Just so long as you keep you feet on the ground, which it sounds like you are.

YARNCRAZY · Senior Member

i can soo idenify with you and your fantasies. just having someone else to notice me as a woman and my own person is so appealing to me also. I have someone i fantasize about who likes me as a person. he is smart,sweet and funny. mostly he is interesting and this appeals to my need of stimulating conversation. my ah acts like a angry,petulant,helpless child and i feel like im a caretaker again which has been my role in my family since i was small..

my sponser says that having an appetite is good as long as you dont have dinner there..if u get what she means

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi I understand the desire to create fantasies so that we are no longer obsessing on painful experiences. I do believe I did that a great deal of my life before I found Al-Anon. I lived in denial of reality and pretend as these tools seem to work for a while but did nothing to solve my problems nor bring me any closer to living in reality.

Al-Anon gave me different tools the steps, slogans, being honest open and willing, living in the present moment one day at a time. Dealing with the pain and sadness that I experienced. I could not escape it, run away from it or deny it any longer. Instead I could share it, pray about it and be willing to let it go and trust God.

These are the tools worked in my life when I came to Al-Anon and began to grow and understand how important living in reality truly is.

I do believe that there is nothing wrong with having a dream or plan. I know I decided that I was going to learn to take care myself, was never going to remarry, I was going to be self-supporting of my own efforts and trust that HP would permit me to travel and have a successful life. I have done just that without having anyone else pay for it. It is a grand experience. Know that you are worth it and that anything that you desire deep down HP would be glad to give to you.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Fantasy is an escape from reality that might be helpful for very short periods but I don't truly think they're helpful for long. Life experienced and lived well to the best of my ability has been more satisfying than any fantasy I imagined. Fantasy and fairy tale are good entertainment, but one can't really make their true dreams come true with them.

Fairlee · Senior Member

Ugh! I tend to do this too, but for me I think it actually leaves me feeling even more discontent with my life in the long run. I'm trying really hard to control my thought life by keeping in constant communication with my HP. It does seem to be helping.

Personally I think I have used "fantasy" to escape from my reality since I was a child. I don't think it is a bad thing, but for me right now, I really need to learn to get along in the real world - that is struggle enough for today :)

mjferg · Senior Member

Oh yes, My daughter and I went shopping the other night,as I got out of the car I said, tonight I will find the man of my dreams!!We went in the store and as I was in the coffee aisle a man came up to me and started talking,he asked me if I knew where the coffee filters were,he reeked of alcohol!I laughed and said,well maybe not tonight.True story!!

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