The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have questions. I need answers. Why is it that the more the addict does, the unspeakable awful things they do when they use, do we keep going back to them over and over? Is it because there is such a fear of being lonely or is it because they are so amazing when they are sober that we can just look past those things. is it just love? Is love enough? Why can't i leave? Everytime it gets worse and yet i still stay. I can feel one coming on and I want to leave. Its easy to leave when they are using and you are angry but what happens the next day when they are all sober and sweet talking you to coming back to them. How do i stop that? Short of having to throw my phone away. I know if we break up she might die, she wont recover. It will destroy her but i cant keep living my life like this. i need out and i dont know how to do it. the answers arent simple :( i am so sickingly co-dependant on her and i just dont know what to do. If she drinks tonight will it finally be enough? I want it to be enough. :(
There is equal chance you staying impairs her recovery. If she did die, it would be from alcoholism not you leaving. If that's going to happen, it will happen with you there or not.
I think you know the answers to your own questions...you said so yourself. Fear and codependency.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Saturday 6th of September 2014 08:53:11 PM
What if you broke up and she lived and you did, too? What if your breaking up with her doesn't destroy her but helps her find her way through the doors to AA and stays there because she doesn't have you as an emotional, physical, financial safety net? What if you pursued what we've suggested to you - Al-Anon meetings, finding a sponsor, working the steps and doing things you like to do for you - and learned that all these things really helped? What if you change the question "why" to "what do I do now" and listen for the answer that comes from within you and then do it? I stopped doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results by doing what is suggested in the Al-Anon program. It wasn't easy and I'm grateful I found the program and worked it for myself. I hope you will, too.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 6th of September 2014 09:22:55 PM
We stay because we cling to that person they were - it took me a very long time to let go of the hope that HE would come back to me by anything I did. I stayed because I wanted him to come back; 4 years later I sometimes STILL want him to come back, but I can't make it happen. I had to find happiness without him and it hurt more than anything should hurt.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I think we cling for the same reason that they cling to the alcohol - we crave that joy that we used to get - and we've lost practice at other ways of getting in. We cling on to that hope that we can make it work, that we can get the good stuff without the pain. And we're in denial (as they are) about how much our addiction is keeping us from moving forward and living healthy lives.
I thought that if only I could make it work with my A, all my problems would be solved. That's a powerful dream to have. It's easy to keep on having it, because it can never come true, so you can stay in the stuck state forever.
She told me tonight she doesnt think she is ready to quit. SO i broke up with her. And the heart ache begins...however the heart ache of her drinking is worse if i continue to stay.
Carly, I believed I stayed because I was afraid they would die and I would feel guilty . I do hope you are attending alanon meetings and receiving the support you need. This is a difficult road that we travel and it cannot be done alone. One day at a time trusting HP we can move forward and recover.
Carly time to get to face to face Al-Anon meetings and get there often listening for and following the best you can the suggestions. It is good that you are here at MIP this is where the solutions are and everyone here has gone thru what you are going thru now. My alcoholic/addict was my drug. At first being with her was my high and I thought it would always come, always happen and then over a short period of time I got the same thing she got the problems, the sickness, the addiction to thinking I would find the high again. It never came and I ran out of trying and sanity. My spirit was dead and then I found Al-Anon where others understood and told me their stories so that I could understand. The chemicals are mind and mood altering and I came to understand that the altered state was not the normal state I wanted to be in...she wanted to be in it and not me. Desperate is the state just before we get relief from the addiction and then find freedom. My guess is that this is the last place you wanted to be in no matter who you were in a relationship with. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Carly - If others of us had moved on when he got a message early on that our A was not ready to stop, it would have saved us a lot of heartache. That was a brave move. I would state however that it's not her continuance to drink that would have hurt you more than breaking up, it was continuing to sacrifice yourself, your needs, and what you deserve in a relationship....It's about you. You deserve better.
Carly, I know it's hard to break up. I left my marriage in March. I still have ups and downs. Try to focus on you and what you need and deserve in life. Sometimes separating does make them stop drinking, that's what happened in my marriage. But even though he has stopped drinking,for now, there are still too many problems I couldn't live with.
You are strong...you will be ok.
In my case, I was clinging to his potential as a sober healthy person. He is such a sweet, caring, generous and affectionate person when not drinking. I was clinging to the hope he could be like that everyday. However it is like he has split personality. When drinking he is nasty, angry and agressive. And worse of all blames me for his drinking.
I am leaving because I need to give my daughter an example on how not to accept other people's abuse. Specially the ones who are supposed to love her. I don't want my dauhter growing up thinking this is how a relationship should be.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
The best thing ever said to me was that I am addicted to my addict. I also had rescuer syndrome and quite frankly and candidately my counselor told me I am attracted to "excited misery", and weaker personality types so that I can always feel in control. I stayed during my AH using because I felt guilty that he didn't have anything at all and felt responsible to take care of him in every single way and I stay in this latest recovery attempt with him just for today because I have a small ray of hope that he is getting better, but then again so am I. Keep coming back!
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Flower you had a very knowledgeable counselor who gave you very important information and vision. I pray for such that they continue for a long time in their professions. My own counselors were expert at getting me to see the one person I had lived my entire life with and knew nothing about...me. I am grateful daily for HP putting them in my life and in my way. I relate to your post. (((hugs)))
