It is NOT my responsibility to explain to my AH that he is a hot mess. - Al-Anon Family Group

sadsusie · Senior Member

It is NOT my responsibility to explain to my AH that he is a hot mess.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been in that place too, where I felt a deep craving to make him understand and even agree about how chaotic things were.

The thing is that as long as we feel we can't let go until we have that moment, they can control us merely by refusing to have the moment. They deny, or they refuse to listen, or they tell us we're crazy. They keep us on the line. It's no accident that he's avoiding the conversation.

It's so hard to let go of that hope. The thing that helped me was the saying "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing."

Sometimes I still catch myself having conversations with him in my head. Still trying to have that conversation where I make my point.

If that conversation were possible, we probably wouldn't have reached the point where we needed to have it.

Take good care of yourself.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Nope. Its not. 'Nuff said.

Kenny

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

Ok, I'll say a little more. My aw didn't "get it" either. Not whem I talked to her. Not when her mom talked to her. Not when she would wreck the car the 3rd time and our insurance started to skyrocket. No, she only got it when she had to detox in a jail cell after 2nd DUI. It sounds like thats the kind of catastrophic deal your ah will have to get to. Otherwise, if yiu are tired of dealing with it, its probably time to just not deal with it. Hurts to let go, but thats what finally gor my aw im jail and on the road to recovery.

Kenny

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

The chances are he is drinking, lifting cash at 4am is usually a guarantee hes drinking. Alcoholics not drinkjng is still alcoholics in the midst of the isms. I, self, me. If hes committed to a recovery program where he works through the isms, like us in alanon, then its the same old same old. You dont owe him a thing. It sounds like hes still got a hold over you, still pulling on your heart strings, pushing the fuilt buttons. Remember, these are yours to protect. To me, learning about the disease and getting tools is like putting on full body armour, nothing gets in, not the manipulation, the poor poor mes designed to contol you. Alcoholics can be very clever, their disease insists on it at times. So the words are carefully chosen at just the right moment. I suggest protecting your bank account as best you can, hes determined to take you down with him, hes not letting go either.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Nothing much to add to the family's shares other than I see you are on the defensive with the disease who invites you to explain yourself to it over and over again as if it is some kind of authority from on high to which you are beholden, accountable to, lower than. You are not relating to a human being. You are relating to a disease that is a destroyer that doesn't give a whit about you or about your AH. It only wants to live and relating to it and staying in a one down position with it helps it to do that.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel you. I moved on when I needed hope for myself more than hope for the relationship and it seemed to me that I couldn't have both at the same time. That is just me though.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I almost think one saying i want to catch him in a lie first to do anything means you really are not ready to let go.

If one is done with the marriage, they are done. I know for me I don't even have to have an explanation to change something, its just what I am going to do.

hugs

sadsusie · Senior Member

Thank you for your truths.

He texted me asking me to understand where he is coming from sometimes. My response was simply. Understand where YOU ARE sometimes. I am glad to have had this experience today. Thank you all for holding my hand.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned a different way of speaking and responding to my alcoholic/addict and others when I was being given information about what I was totally powerless about. I learned to ask, "So what is it that I can do with the information"? and then I would shut up and let her respond or not. If she did I didn't react; if she didn't I didn't respond or try to continue a conversation I didn't want to be in. Hanging up is a proper option and is not disrespectful when the conversation is mentally and emotional abusive. I am no longer a masochist. I learned to set boundaries with conversations also...the conversations were not negotiations over a telephone and they had to be sane...no ranting, raving, drama and trauma because it was hard for me at first to be out of reach with her listening to stuff like that...she could call for help..cops, emergency or others..She was responsible. I learned to make responses in favor of what I would and would not do and as the saying goes...Say what I mean, mean what I say...don't say it mean.

It all takes constant practice with the belief that what I am doing is right for me and will bring me sanity and healing. Keeping HP with me and feeling HP with me was great assurance. HP was always there and still is. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I learned to keep handing the disease back to them. They want to indulge in conversations where it's YOUR job to understand, accept, and enable THEIR disease. The responses I give to active alcoholics/addicts are not the way I would talk to an average person. I like your response Susie, but I also lean towards things like

"It's not my job to understand your addiction and how it drives you. That's your job and that is why I support you going to treatment and getting back in recovery. Until then, this conversation is futile."

The crazy making of this disease occurs when you even start engaging in conversations about the feelings, thoughts, and actions of a person that is trying to justify insanity (Which is what addiction truly is).

It is tricky because you want to respond to your husband, but when he's active, You are getting his disease like 90 percent of the time or more...It also goes against our nature to hand it back to them. It feels cold and they will argue "Oh so now nothing I say matters or is true while I have a few drinks!!!!!" or some BS like that. That's when you detach and say "This is my truth. You can disagree if you want. Bye."

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 7th of September 2014 07:36:41 AM

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Just like we say to imagine "Sick, Sick, Sick" on their forehead. These "Understand me!!!" and "Let me explain!!!..." conversations may as well be converted into "Just keep enabling me!!! You have to keep enabling me!!!" Hand the disease back to them.

-- Edited by pinkchip on Sunday 7th of September 2014 07:40:38 AM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

My sponsor used to tell me it was an invitation to take his bag of garbage...I liked this picture smile

Kay10 · Member

So many good posts in this thread. Thank you all for your ESH. I appreciate this place.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.