The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I religiously went to Al-Anon about 7-8 years ago and stopped going after a few years, not because I thought I was well or cured, but because I started a business with my qualifier. I no longer "had time" to attend meetings because our little business started to flourish and grow. I realize now that this was the first step into MY current situation, as well as my qualifier. With that said, I know I can't change the past, but I can start changing my future. I have been dealing with my qualifier in full blow relapse for the past year or so. When I say dealing with them, I mean trying to FIX them. Every brain cell in my body KNOWS that I can't FIX them...I can't change them, I can't do anything to make them better. They have fully reverted to their old selves, including smoking cigarettes after quitting for 7 years.
I have been a total wreck for the past few months and should have gone to a meeting two months ago, but I didn't. I walked into that meeting last night a mess, barely able to speak. Thank GOD there was one person in the room that knew me from a few years ago. I couldn't stop crying...they all saw it, they all know exactly how I am feeling. I know that I am not alone, but as I sit here with my qualifier supposedly detoxing, I am trying to make a decision, do I TRUST them after months upon months upon months or do I pack a bag and get myself out of the insanity? I know no one can make that decision for me, I know I need to make the decision myself.
I can't stop crying, I am literally sobbing as I type this. Let go and let God, the hardest saying for me. I am still trying to control the situation. I am sitting here thinking that if he just gets through this...we will be ok. What is wrong with me? Why am I letting this disease control me? I spoke with a good friend who is in active recovery, they see exactly I see, I need to leave. The merry-go-round of addiction is making me nauseous. It's has gotten to the point that the authorities are watching.
I am scared, I feel alone, I am in pain and hurting. I know there are others who feel like me. I just want the hurting to go away.
Welcome to MIP! So good to hear you found a meeting and attended. Sounds like you know what it is you need to do for you. Prayers for strength and courage ODAT. Keep coming back and sharing. This place is loaded with E/S/H.
Thank you Mari1978. I think I need to get to a meeting this evening. I am really breaking down every hour. This is the second hardest decision I have had to make in my life. It may be even harder than the first, which was to leave my ex-husband, who was not an addict.
Glad you reached out to where the help is. The slogans help me when I feel this way. Easy does it, you dont need to make any decisions right now. Its a horrid, powerful disease, way bigger than me, all I can do is protect myself from the consequences of it as best I can. The serenity prayer is another powerfultool that may help.
Thank you el-cee. I have been struggling bad. The slogans help, yes. I am just torn with this sickness eating him alive and allowing myself to become so sick again. I know somewhere in there, my A is alive and fighting, I just don't know if I can keep waiting for that person to make it out anymore.
It's the same thing every few weeks...I am going to change, I am going to get better, I will get help and go to meetings, watch you'll see. Unfortunately, last night's meeting was a serious revelation for me and I think my higher power is speaking to me loud and clear. It was a step/tradition meeting, with the step and tradition being 9, making amends. I have said many times to my qualifier that actions speak louder than words. They were reading from the forum and one of the sentences was if someone is late and says they are sorry, but the continue to be late, have they really made amends? Well, that's how my life feels. I have tried for over a year now to believe and trust that things will change and get better...but honestly, they are not better at all, they are a lot worse.
Our business is failing, and what little bit of money is coming in gets puts mostly toward bills. My A has been able to slip money behind my back, and it's not $20 here and $10 there.....it's thousands of dollars over just the past few months. And that is just what I am aware of. I sit here quietly typing while he wanders around the apartment "detoxing" for I don't know how many times, each time the same thing being said, "I don't want to do this anymore. This is the last time." I really need to sort my life out and get myself better so I can leave, even if it's just leaving so I am not around him 24 hours a day 7 days a week. We live together and work together. It's a lot and I have done NOTHING for myself since this relapse. Last year (2013) I made a vow to myself that I would work on getting better again, getting myself into a healthy routine, doing things that I enjoyed. While I was doing that, he was working on destroying his life and pretty much putting a majority of mine in the hole.
We share a lot together, the business is our (my) only way of making money, so while he is destroying his life, he is also stealing mine.
I can relate, this disease has the power to destroy our lives. Ive felt on the brink over the years. I did leave but it took as long as it took for me to reach the end and ive got a good life today and I realise that it took a lot of things from me including some things im glad to be rid of. I had to reach my bottom or my point of surrender. I stopped believing or waiting for him to change. Alanon is the only answer ive found, its such a gift and I owe it a lot. My recovery is one of the most important things in my life. I hope you can pick up where you left off.
Welcome back - you're in the right place and not alone. MIP is a lifeline of support; take some breaths and start trusting that you'll make the right decision for you when you are ready.
Welcome. I so love your very poetic screen name. I also am glad to see that you recognized you needed help and you knew where to find it. Coming here is a good thing to do, too. Keep coming back.
Thank you very much! I just spoke with someone from the program on the phone, it was the first time today I was able to speak without breaking down and crying. I realize how desperately I need this program to get myself well.
I'm so sorry you're going through this midnightskies. Glad you've gone back to face-to-face meetings and come here. I'm fairly new to the program but have found so much help and wisdom and compassion in it. I hope it helps you do the best for yourself. Keep coming back...
Hi midnightskies and welcome to MIP. ((big warm hugs to you)) I well remember the first night I walked into an Al-Anon meeting. I cried the entire meeting, and the people there were so kind. They handed me the tissue box and let me cry. You are back on your path to recovery. Be gentle with yourself and Let go and Let God. Take one day at a time, and take care of you.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
