I've been up on all night crying, finally went to sleep, dreamed of the house we said we'd always built, making music in it with him. As he stomped around on guitar like a kid, I tried to accompany him w/ a tiny broken violin, and it was the most frustrating thing. I could hear the melody, and could squeak out a few notes, which he was happy w/ and kept saying "don't stop", but I couldn't play at all, and he didn't even seem to notice, just kept going on, and that's what most of our relationship was like. 

I'm in a state of distress because he wrote a song about our break up. One w/ the sentiments of "I know she'll get married and our kids won't look a bit like me" and that killed me because that has been one of the hardest parts of it all has been letting go of the idea of the future we had planned. I ended it, because I knew that idealistic future of a house w/ a large yard and a fire place in every room and lots of music and beautiful handmade furniture and babies running around, was more fantasy than reality. 

His disease is so pervasive. It has seeped into every part of his soul and he is so entrenched in his alcoholism, I fear he may never get out. He is 35 and has been drinking since he was 16. THe saddest parts of the songs he wrote, were that I did not hear much change. He is still drinking. He is still sad, and he is still unwilling to fight. All I ever wanted him to do was fight for his own health and happiness, and selfishly for us and our love, but he never could. 

When I heard the song, I wanted to call him immediately. I wanted to start the whole thing up again. I wanted to say u get sober and we can be together. The words seem so simple. The only thing I could imagine rehab would be like for me, is if some asked me to move to alaska and live in the wilderness for a year with a pocket knife and bungee cord, and then asked me to come back to society and just be "normal".

Lately, I feel so angry w/ god. Why is there this awful disease, and how the hell did you pair me with someone who has it. it is torture. I loved him w/ my whole heart, and his heart was ill, what do I do w/ that. How do I not reel backwards into it? How do I break from my usual I'll fix him mode. I want to rescue him. I want to take him back into my home. I sometimes feel I don't care the cost. I know he does not need rescuing. He is exactly where he needs to be. He is in a supportive environment, living w/ a friend who loves him, accepts him, and has enough boundaries to have a functioning household w/ the drinking, and I admire his friend. I wish I had his strength. 

I am seeing other men, one which treats me so well, and that feels foreign. I am trying to not be turned off by genuine interest. Obviously, from this post, I'm all over the place. I think I'm am going to try to start finding a home meeting and a sponsor. I don't really know what else to do, because if I don't do something I feel like I"m going to open the door to the storm at my gate.