I thought I would be able to go on my holidays without needing to write a thread before departing... - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

I thought I would be able to go on my holidays without needing to write a thread before departing...

Luiza · Senior Member

So reading "Just for Today" in another thread, I have two questions:

"Just for today, I will exercise my soul in three
ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and
not get found out"

Can anyone give me simple examples on how to do that? I usually do good turns to people not expecting return, but what could I do that I wouldn't be found out? Any ideas to get me started out?

"I will not show anyone that my feelings are
hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not
show it"

I have a hard time with the above. What does it achieve? Won't it make me too passive, not showing people that their actions have consequences, eg: hurt my feelings, and it is not ok. Why should I let people get away with hurting me?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza a very simple example of doing someone a good turn and not telling anyone about it is by praying for someone else's petition. Not telling them about it or any one else

I too questioned the Just for Today statement about not showing our feelings when I first entered program. For so long I had developed a negative tool making myself invisible. I never showed my feelings and I pretended I was happy when I was sad I pretended all was well when I was angry and resentful. I hid my feelings from not only the world but myself as well .The first step indicates that I am powerless over alcohol , people places and things --If I am powerless over these things then others are just as powerless over me .

Al-Anon understands how we have learned to handle feelings and it also understands that we believe that others make us unhappy and hurt us. The basic Principles that Al-Anon and the steps embrace is that we are responsible for our own feelings and happiness. If I feel unhappy, angry, resentful, sad, Al-Anon provides a tool that helps me to look at my motives, own my part in the situation and then verbalize my feelings without blaming or criticizing others. Not blaming others for our feelings is the first step

It takes time in program and that is why it is suggested that we do not react. That when we are hurt or angered we reach out to Al-Anon folk talk things over and reason things out. Our partners are not responsible to make us happy or to fix our feelings. They are free to act in their own best interest and we must act in our own best interest in order to have a successful partnership.

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks for replying Betty, I will reflect on the "not showing the feelings are hurt". It is not easy for me. Specially when H is rude/nasty and catches me with my guard down or my perception of his behaviour is he is being rude/nasty.... Most of the time says he isn't, and I am over-sensitive.

Good to know that a prayer is a good turn to someone. I did this today and they were totally strangers. I was just observing them in a queue and had this overwhelming urge to pray for them. I don't do it very often, I must admit. But today I couldn't help it. I wanted to intervene so much but I felt so powerless, I needed to pray.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Good Work Luiza It is interestng how often I get the same urge . HP is working overtime it seems.

With your dedicatoon to working the program I believe that you will soon be able to VALIDATE yourself - your truths, your loves, your desires without giving your power away to others Keep on working it and enjoy vacation :)

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Telling someone they are over-sensitive is the problem of the person saying it. They've been programmed to believe that being thick-skinned is a virtue. That is a myth perpetuated by people who can't feel their feelings and not feeling our feelings is one of our major issues and one of the As major issues. You don't have to let him see that you feel hurt, angry, down-stroked, victimized, insulted, humiliated, frightened, poked at, bullied, disappointed or however you feel at the time but it is equally important to feel those feelings that are yours and accept them as a part of you. He won't be able to help you feel better, but you can. You can tell yourself the opposite of whatever his disease says. You aren't going to be able to convince the disease of anything. It doesn't want to hear it. It just wants a drink. But you can convince yourself that how you are feeling is valid, a part of you and healthy for you.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

And when you have feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, joy peace, etc, bring them here so we can hear them, share them and honor them. You are worthy of being heard, we are all worthy of being heard, yet we have to choose wisely who to be open with. To the best of your ability, enjoy your holiday.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza this is very common. A real part of addiction is their routine. It calms them. They need to know how they are going to get their drug, do they have the money, where will they get it, when will they drink it.

They have a definite routine. I would say most do.

I call it tunnel vision. If they get thrown off this path they get even more insecure. Remember their drug is number one.They depend on this commitment/routine.

Vacations and or leaving away from the familiar is very frightening to them. I gave up even trying to get my AH away for the day even when he was on program. I realized what was going on, and I compromised by us doing things together at home on our acreage. It was fun!

I have seen others here on mip also who realized this also.

I hope if you went it will go ok. let us know. Its not that he does not want to go or does not enjoy you. it is totally his disease.

hugs!

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks guys. Not gone yet, very soon.

I guess I still struggle to understand / separate what is HIM and what is the DISEASE. Or are both just the same thing? Because when he is being thick skinned (funny I was called it over 10 years ago by a colleague and never forgot it) and I just wish he had a gentler approach, I wonder if he would act the same way if he wasn't an addicted.

Problem is I have been working on not to pick on him/ leave him alone/ accept who he is/being kind/ don't say it mean blahblahblah.
Then he shows me the opposite behaviour and I really don't deserve it.
I just don't want to be like I was when leaving with my emotional abusive ex husband, taking unnecessary stabs even after I display my best behaviour.

Deblyn, this is so right about the routine. We all went cycling the other day, it was such a nice day, I could do it for hours and hours and hours. But I knew exactly when H had enough and needed to come home for his sofa, tv, beer. He tried really hard on that day but he just can't enjoy himself as much. No matter what he is doing...if it is alcohol free it is never good enough.

I tried to have chats with him about normal things, normal life. He doesn't have norhing to talk about. It is so frustating. But as soon he has a first sip of alcohol, finally he can interact and open his mouth and let his ideas out.
Just like my dad.
I must keep remembering always that this is a physiologic problem. I am still a baby in the program.

-- Edited by Luiza on Tuesday 19th of August 2014 01:30:56 AM

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Holidays were like that for my family too. The expectations are higher on holiday and everyone is under a bit more pressure. It sounds like you feel resentful living with an active alcoholic made me that way too. I put too much focus on him, watching what he did and said and it drove me crazy. I cant live with drinking, any drinking. It effects me in the way you describe. It triggers me, I become obsessed and critical and resentment eats away at me. I learned that expressing feeling or discussions with an active a is like going to the hardwear store for bread, its pointless, it changes nothing and its part of our own denial. He cant make things better for you or anyone else until he gets serious about recovery. He might say all the right things but its usually for an easy life.

I love that hurt feelings one. It reminds me I am the gatekeeper to my feelings, noone can hurt me unless I allow it. Its me that has the power noone else.x

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.