The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What would be my self are when it comes to abf,what should I allow and what I should not allow.what are or would be manipulates that abf uses?,and what are enablers that I could be useing to my abf?when should I speak up for what I believe in?how do I take cate of me weather he is drinking or not drinking or useing..?
Many of us find we are not able to keep our heads clear when we are around active drinking or using. I am one of those.
Meetings, literature, the slogans, a sponsor, working the steps ... those are all things to do, or start doing, or do harder, when we have extra challenges.
Long ago when I first got into Al-Anon we use to do the "meetings after the meetings" the ones we did while having coffee with each other after the meetings and we would ask these questions of the old timers who sat with us. This program doesn't come over night and comes with listening, learning and practice, practice, practice. The literature has experiences and examples and suggestions so reading the literature is important...just as listening to the similar shares in the meeting rooms. One of my self care lessons was detachment...loosening the obsessive attachment I had with my alcoholic/addict and doing things for me and with me to better my own life. During that time I started learning about my value systems what was important for me to do and have done around me and what I wouldn't put up with, without exception. Keep coming back with an open mind cause there is so much to learn and you will find help. ((((hugs))))
Go to lots of face to face meetings. Get a sponsor and work the steps. You won't break your addiction to him on willpower and even this message board is not enough as it's only online and it sounds as though being in the house and not having friends and support in real life has you all the more entrenched and vulnerable to keep going back to this guy despite wanting to move on in some ways. Get out and stay busy. I get the sense that loneliness (or being alone) is almost unbearable to you. You are going to have to take some radical steps and change up your behavior (meetings, friends, community involvement, sponsor) if you want to break these codependent patterns.
What do you think might help you, LU? What have you learned works for you to stay peaceful, calm, detached and self-caring? What boundaries can you establish that you can live with and carry through on today? Although we all have found the help we needed in Al-Anon, we had to choose the tools that worked best for us one tool at a time and one day at a time. Out of all that has been suggested to you, is there one tool that stands out the most for you? If so, maybe that is the one tool your HP is suggesting you pick up and use to help start answering some of the questions that are yours now? The Serenity Prayer? Meetings? Reading Al-Anon Conference approved literature? There are other suggestions that have also been posted by family members at your threads. Maybe there is a suggestion that I didn't mention here in those posts that really feel like "You know what? I think I'm going to try that one." We can share with you our experience/hope/strength but we can't work the program for you. We've all had to work it for ourselves and in doing that, we've come up with our own answers for our lives and put those answers into practice for us and not for the As. It works if we work it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 16th of August 2014 08:58:58 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 16th of August 2014 09:11:29 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 17th of August 2014 09:45:59 AM
Lu To answer your question , I think that placing principles above personalities is very important For me, that means as alanon suggests . I must define my principles ( what are my values and how do I want to honor myself and my needs) and then decide no matter who or what asks me to discard my Principles I will not do so . I must allow my principles to govern my life and make sure I am safe, courageous , respectful and practicing a spiritual program for myself and others.
I would and do insist that any relationship be that of an equal partnershiip.and that each adult in the relationship be responsible for their own needs. I need to see actions not words and I need to feel I can trust . Meetings, slogans steps all will help
I believe you know the answers to your questions, as you have heard many times, what they are. Many of us have learned how to be damsels in distress as a means to manipulate people. I see this in myself sometimes...it is a clue that I am not working my recovery program.
That is a lot of questions at once Looking. Im not sure the answers can come as thick and fast as that. A changed attitude is a process that needs the work, another person can try and help you with these answers but I think the learning is yours to do if you know what I mean. If I could give you what Ive learned I would but its a gradual thing that comes from our own growing awareness and understanding. My suggestion would be, if you want the answers to all this and much much more then go to meetings regularly, even once per week if its difficult, read your readings everyday, religiously, dont miss a single day. Meditate on the readings or write out what you get from it. Use your just for today card. Study!!!! this program, its a learning experience like any other and takes effort and commitment. You can do it and have made lots of progress already in my opinion.x
I found that remembering times in my life when I felt happy in myself, and then thinking about what I was doing at those times has helped me to figure out some of the self care that suited my needs.
Something physical, something that boosts my self esteem, something that gets me out of myself translates, for me, into exercise; accomplishments (whether it is gardening, painting, baking or sewing for example) or luxuriating in a long bath or wearing my favourite things; and meeting with friends, voluntary work or studying. When I don't remember to look after these three areas I tend to slide. It is my interpretation of the 'Just for Today' recipe.
