Can't seem to let go... - Al-Anon Family Group

hope6147 · Member

Can't seem to let go...

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. Welcome to MIP. Your husband has more than an alcohol problem. He is a very dangerous abuser. I seriously doubt he'd get unsupervised visits if you can find an attorney who understands alcoholism and abuse. The DUIs are probably available as public record and can serve you well in producing evidence as to why your daughter should not be left alone with him. Using her as a bargaining chip to regain control of you as you discovered is a very scary thing and good that you were able to get her and get out of there. A Restraining Order against him can also help you. If you don't move ahead quickly with the divorce then perhaps you can delay things a bit to get through the last semester of nurses training? Contacting a domestic violence counselor in your area is also of utmost importance for both you and your daughter. As he drinks, the disease progresses and his behavior can continue to descend into madness. I loved my abuser, too. I couldn't live with him and he would have killed me at some point. It took my Dad threatening him to stop him. Please get help from every organization you can think of in your area. Just because he lives 6 hours away from you does not mean he won't show up there. Al-Anon can help you, too, but from experience I know that Al-Anon isn't enough. You need the support of organizations and attorneys who understand abuse and how it affects us. This is not something you can handle on your own as I am sure you know if you asked your brother to help you regain your daughter. You may love him and the best love you can extend to him is taking care of yourself and prosecuting him or at least getting a restraining order on file. If he calls and threatens you, call the police and report it. Threatening and intimidation is violence, too.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 16th of August 2014 06:13:17 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 16th of August 2014 06:34:36 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Hope Please be gentle with yourself. I am so sorry that you have had such a difficult time. Living with this disease we become confused and unsure by trying to force solutions when dealing with the insanity. , We who have found alanon also became affected in such a way that we could not make positive choices for ourselves and needed a program of recovery to regain yourself esteem and ability to make choices. in our own best interest . You are not alone and we understand as few others can We too were lonely , frustrated and confused while living with the disease. Meetings the steps slogans and a sponsor will all contribute to your growth and well being

I urge you to continue with alanon and if you cannot attend face to face meetings please keep coming here and attend the online meetings here
There is hope for you

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Hope...you're doing the right thing reaching out to others who have experience and understanding about where you are at now. Don't excuse your share it is fine and under the circumstances it is better than that. I agree with the Al-Anon suggestion for you cause for me coming to understand alcoholism and what it does and was doing to my life was necessary. When I came to understand I then made better choices on what to do. I also suggest family court and inquiring with family and child services about taking out a Temporary Restraining Order (TRO) for "cause"....list the causes, the out of control drinking including the DUI and the threats of violence and his lack of ability to keep your child in a safe place including with his parents who are not capable of best care conditions and financial support. Talk to them and go get an interview. Give them the evidence and listen to their responses. I use to work in that system with the alcoholic/violent men..fathers and such. It is important that you get the help. Keep coming back here also as a part of your own self care. (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

My suggestion is go to a lot more Alanon meetings. In addition, just stick with your independent life and stay detached. If he is going to earn trust back, let it be through years of AA and real recovery...One meeting and/or therapy is nothing. Focus on you and let him recover or not. You are already mostly separated anyhow. It sounds like these illegal rages, threats, kidnapping have all been dealt with without police. My suggestion is to get them involved so that things are documented if you do proceed with divorce and visits with your daughter would then be supervised. He needs the consequences of making death threats and kidnapping without skirting around the law and living on a boat as a carefree drunk. You can't "make" him recover...especially with insanely enabling parents. BUT...Real world consequences are good for alcoholics. It's a serious disease and he seems to have a violent streak along with it (to say the least). Maybe he will stick with AA and change...but it will take a long time...this is not something that will get better with a few meetings and some therapy, especially with all the enabling you describe him having in his life. You sound pretty strong on your own right now and have a bright career path in front of you. It is good you have been able to advance yourself and set up a life apart from him...that is actually pretty miraculous considering all you've been through with him and this disease. A lot of women spouses are way more "stuck." You have done awesome to set yourself up with ways of taking care of you and your daughter on your own. Bravo for that. Keep coming back.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I also would think 4 DUIs would merit supervised visits only but I don't know...The 5th one usually sends a person to prison (3rd one in other states).

hope6147 · Member

Thank you for all the support. I will speak to my attorney tomorrow and update her on things (I haven't spoken with her since March, when my husband got his DUI), I will see if I can delay things until I graduate. I had disagreement with my attorney about her bill (I did pay her), so hopefully she'll still represent me, and represent me well...

This DUI is my husbands 4th but 1st since 2007, so in his state, its counted as a first offense. His attorney is trying to get it down to reckless driving. I have called 911 twice and have on record that he pushed me and threatened to kill me. I was unable to get a restraining order when I first moved because the incident happened in another state. In March he called me 75 times in 2 days, and I should have had a restraining order against him. Unfortunately he'll probably do something again that will give me a reason to file one. He has not worked since March either. There is no doubt I'd get primary custody, I just can't initiate something that's going to force me to give our daughter to him for a weekend unsupervised. And although he lives with his parents, they aren't much help because they are in such denial. Last weekend could have been worse. He's about to start school this semester too, he's a junior, so he'll have his bachelors in a couple of years if he can keep it together. He is highly intelligent, but he's also highly manipulative..

I have made a life for us up here and I've given my daughter a stable and happy environment. Soon I will be a nurse and I'll be able to provide a living for us on my own. I don't want him messing up our lives, and I don't think he'd ever do that intentionally. But I agree, drinking isn't his only problem, he has an anger problem, he's abusive, and he has a mental illness of some kind. I just hate the idea of my daughter fearing him someday and not knowing when he's going to snap. I just want a peaceful happy life for us. I'll go to a physical meeting this week and I'll also attend an online one. I can't make him change, but I can change, and I need to.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

You're welcome, hope. Keep coming back, going to meetings and doing what you've been doing to re-create your life without him. Good going. I thought about reconciling with my x at various times and fortunately, my HP kept showing me why that was an unhealthy action to take before I acted on the thoughts in a way that would put be right square back into harm's way. Seeing that you can't make him change but you can change and will be doing that - powerful.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Initially we are in love with our spouse, we make vows. But many times after awhile it ends up like your situation.

You know that baby is not safe with him. He may be so sick he would not pursue visitation anyway. It is a judge who makes the decisions not the attorney. IF you have paperwork of his dui's, proof of not working, share about all the abuse you put him through on paper that will help you. Also his trying to keep your child when he was drunk, if you can get proof of that. Your brother as a witness?

The man you loved is not there anymore. We don't know if he ever will be. If they go into rehab, get on a recovery program, relapse usually happens, its part of being an A. Myself I will not put me or a child thru that.

Congrats on nursing school, that is a huge accomplishment!

Thank goodness this happened before you moved back. This sounds like a horribly scarey situation where people do not listen and some one does get killed!

I would never raise a child on a house boat either, geez! He cannot keep a car on the road, so how can he care for a precious kiddo????

Take it slow, read the steps and traditions, come here. There are meetings online here too. "Getting Them Sober", volume one by toby rice drew would help you so very much.

I pray you will keep coming. I got a very scared feeling reading your share. Please listen to yourself. You know he is not safe!

hugs

michaelwriting · Member

It sounds like you are dealing with a very stressful and difficult situation. Sometimes it is helpful to remember that we can only do the best we can, and that we have to be careful that we are not too hard on ourselves as we make difficult choices in our painful situations. Detachment and letting go often is part of step 3. It is a process of turning our lives and our will (and all our worries and difficulties and people) over to the care of God. I can only speak for myself, but letting go is sometimes difficult because I have fear. Sometimes I am afraid to let go of the only sense of security I have. Or I am afraid to let go of something, because I feel that I will lose it or because it will leave me alone, hurt, empty or with unmet needs. Sometimes letting go can be difficult because it may involve letting go of hopes and dreams. I had built all my dreams and hopes for a beautiful happy family, but now all those dreams of building a beautiful life with a person I love seem to be destroyed. Part of my problem in letting go is that I need to realize that my fairy tale dream might not come true in the way that I originally wanted. I guess my point is that I can pray for the wisdom to 'do the next right thing' (such as protecting myself and my family). But sometimes the strength to fully let go emotionally might take some time to work through. I'm very happy you are here and taking courageous steps forward. Please keep coming back and keep working the steps.

hope6147 · Member

I know the man I fell in love with is no longer, but sometimes when I talk to him it's hard to remember that. I met him when I was 19, we got married when I was 21, so he's all I've known in my adult life. I can't imagine being with anyone else, and it's hard to accept being alone. But he's sick and has done nothing about it. I have learned to detach myself a little bit. I've had to for my own sanity. But I still can't fully separate myself from him. I made an apt. via phone (Only way I can) with my attorney. I don't think I want to do anything yet for the reasons I've said, but I may have a better idea after speaking with her. I've been talking to my AH (I'm learning the abbreviations) way to much. I only have one other friend I talk to. I'm not a very social person, and he's been my best friend for about 8years.

I think that's part of the reason its hard to let go Michael, because it's letting going of all my hopes and dreams of a happy family. I've got one beautiful child and she deserves to have her mother and father. But more importantly she deserves to be safe. So my emotions can not get in the way of my judgment.

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