The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Spouse and i are self employed because we own some rental property. Most of the time it's a lot of work, landscaping, painting, fixing building, and when people move, sometimes a real load of work when they leave a big mess. Most of this work is on me, except for the plumbing or electric. Like i was saying in my earlier post, H drinks every evening, sleeps in late, taks nap in middle of the day. He spends at least one day a week taking his mother shopping eating out together, and often another day or so at miscellaneous doctors apointments for her. He also goes on overnight trips to take his overweight brother to various surgeries. He takes many long motorcycle trips where he'll be gone a week at a time. When he's on trips, i fill in and take his mom on her errands. What im saying is besides the drinking, he is gone a lot, and i'm picking up the slack, doing all the work. He takes time to help some people, his blood relatives, but i'm totally last or non existent. He has addictions besides alcohol, he is a mamma's boy, and he's addicted to having a good time.
Anytime i've suggested divorce, he says we are married, so everything is half his. I've tried to say well you keep the rentals and pay me so much a month (Just enough to live on) and he won't agree, saying thats not fair to leave him with all the work. Then i'll say ok, then you leave, and i'll pay you so much every month. Then he says i'm being greedy, trying to take everything he's worked for. Right.
So, i mean, i've been filled with more and more anger and resentment as the years go by. Then i was reading about how a co-dependent is focusing their energy on the faults of someone else instead of their own faults. I confess, i do that all the time. Reading that really made me examine myself and realize all the boiling resentment that is inside and my inability to just focus on how to make myself happy.
Even though i have to do so much work, and be responsible for everything, i like to work, and doing a good job is something i can respect myself for. I'd rather be myself than to be him, i respect myself. When he is drinking i'm all alone but i don't really know anything different. When he's spending a lot of time with his family or gone on a trip, he's out of my hair, i don't have to hear those beer tabs pop and i'm actually happier. But yet i still have all this resentment and disrespect for him. I'm trying to stop that. When i'm in there painting an apartment by myself, i'm going to be thinking hey God, thank you, i like to work. Because i do. And i think i read on here that it helps to be busy...
Besides working, i go to my quilting meeting every week and to church on Sunday, but i don't have any close friends or relatives who want to hear my problems. Any tme i've tried to talk to my MIL about H's drinking she changes the subject. In fact she keeps beer at her house for him. I guess what keeps creeping into my mind is i'm letting myself be taken advantage of. But on the other hand i'm feeling a bunch of resentment even though, like i said, i'm doing what i want. I don't want to drink so i don't, i want to work and be responsible so i do. Ok i'm reading that and hear the self righteousness. That's one of my worst faults.
Any suggestions on how to stop the resentment? How to turn off the unproductive tormoil and accept things and further detach?
I probably shouldn't ask for suggestions, if i look, the answers or at least the hope, is probably here in this forum. But it is good just to kind of say some thoughts out loud, sort of. Thanks for listening.
Hapilynn
-- Edited by Hapilynn on Friday 15th of August 2014 09:20:42 AM
Hapilynn, Living with the disease of alcoholism is certainly challenging. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. I am proud that you had the courage to look within, keep the focus on your own attitudes and motives and discovered what we all find that we have issues that need to be addressed in order for us to be happy.
Al-Anon truly is the recovery program for all who lived with the disease of alcoholism. The steps, slogans, meetings, principles and philosophy have all been developed in order to help us recover from the effects of living with this dreadful disease. I urge you to search out face-to-face meetings or the online meetings here and attend. There is help and hope.
Meetings will help you gain lots of tools to deal with the resentment and to make a peaceful life for yourself.
I just wanted to say also that you and he don't have to agree on how the property would be divided, and he doesn't have to be convinced that your way is fair. (If he needed to be convinced, he could delay anything indefinitely just by refusing to be connvinced ... which is what they do.) If you should decide to separate, the court will take state laws into account and decide how to divide the property equitably. It would have nothing to do with what an alcoholic claims is fair or not fair.
I hope you'll stick around and join with us in recovery from this kind of craziness!
Thank you hotrod for being proud of me for looking within, and i will try to keep doing that. Thanks also for the encouragement to do the meetings, and thanks to Mattie also.
Mattie, because of where we live, i believe he is right about how property would be divided. It's a no fault 50/50 state. I was just talking to a friend who is getting a divorce. After 18 years her husband only has to give her a one time $700 to move out, pays for the move. They will split everything, but he has been hiding assets over the years. No children, no spousal support. She's 72, would have to live like a pauper on her meager SS. Because her SS is low but it is higher than his, because he gets most of his money from a pension that she wouldn't be eligible for because he earned it before they were married. She's thinking of dropping the whole thing.
But anyway thank you both, i'll try to make the next online meeting.
