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I am the wife of an in denial alcoholic. I spend my days worrying he has been drinking and he seems to spend his days covering up that he has been drinking His family sat him down last week in a kind of intervention and all was ok for a few days. I have been away and come back today and within 3 hours we were arguing. He always argues with me when he has a drink and I always rise to it I am full of anger adn resentment and part of me wants to run away now. We have 2 children age 10 and 8 and it is beginning to affect them. Am I silly to stay? Should I go for their sake (and take them with me?) When my husband doesn't drink he is the most amazing, caring, thoughtful person and an out of this world dad, but those days seem fewer and fewer I am too scared to go to a real meeting
Hello Emma Welcome to Miracles in Progress. Thank you for having the courage to share your heart with such honesty and clarity.
Alcoholism is a dreadful disease,that affects the entire family. AA is the recovery program for alcoholics and Alanon , Alateen and ACOA , the recovery programs for family members.
Alcoholism has been identified by the AMA as a progressive fatal, incurable disease. It can be arrested but not cured. We are powerless over this disease in others and in order to recover ourselves we need a program of recovery of our own Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. Breaking the isolation caused by the disease is of primary importance that is why Face to Face meetings are so important. I urge you to attend We have all felt unsure and frightened by the prospect of reaching out but after our first meeting understood how very important this connection is for our mental health
We have on line meetings here 2xs a day that are also powerful Keep coming back You are worth it.
Hi Furneem. I too have spent many a day worrying, fretting, crying, raging, controlling, believing I could cure, believing I was the cause, believing I could control. My behavior was insane. My AH went to inpatient treatment and that is where I got a good kick in the pants to get back to my recovery programs. I was afraid to return to the rooms at face to face meetings as well. I drug my sorry behind to meetings and for the longest time didn't want to hear what I knew to be true. My HP gave me a miracle in the fact that he guided me to meetings no matter what my fear or excuse and he brought me in contact with truly loving, warm and kind persons. I didn't ever talk at meetings for a very long time and that was a good thing because my HP was teaching me to shut up and listen.
I would make the suggestion that you attend a few meetings, read all the literature you can from Al-Anon and AA. The more you know about this progressive, fatal disease, the better equipped you become to handle various issues. Once you get some meetings and knowledge under your belt will help you know if you should stay or go. I struggle still with that decision, but with the help of these rooms online and F2F, I know that I don't need to make that decision just yet. Also it was suggested to me to not make any big decision like that for 6 months to a year of being in a recovery program. Your mind, heart and soul will be more in tune. Ask your HP for help, let him handle what you cannot.
Keep coming back, you are worth it. My prayers be wit you.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Resentment and anger hurt as does frustration and being outwitted no matter how often we try to make positive changes in relationships where the disease of alcoholism rages. We can choose to give in to the many whispers of the disease: "If you go, what will people say? If you go, what if people find out your husband is an alcoholic? What if people tell you to divorce him, throw the bum out when you know he isn't a bum? If you say anything, you will be betraying your husband. What????!!!!!! Al-Anon for you???!!!!!!! You don't have the problem, he has the problem" If he'd just cut back on his drinking or stop, then you could get back to normal. You don't need help! You are just fine! And if he'd just listen to you and how you think he could fix himself up, get himself some help, limit his drinking to just a few drinks a night or on the weekends - things would be fine, too. Well, if you weren't so tired all the time, wore a different kind of perfume, drank with him, were sexier in bed, cleaned house less and adored him more, welcomed his friends into the house more warmly, got a nose job - then, he wouldn't drink."
Or, we can go to a meeting and find out just how safe we feel there and understood and this can happen without us even speaking a word. Some of us learn that our weekly meetings are the only place we experience peace in our lives for an hour and we keep going because we want more of the same. If we start applying what we learn in meetings to our lives, we also start to realize that our experiences of peace begin to happen in the meetings and outside of the meetings, too.
Of course, its all up to each of us to decide if we'll give in to the whispers of the disease or just go to a meeting to check things out for ourselves. I hope you'll choose to go to a meeting and come back here, too. We're here for you. We understand. We've experienced some if not all of what you are going through and we've found a helpful antidote to our misery in Al-Anon.
You don't need to be afraid or worried at all about going to a meeting. I can tell right here and now everyone at any meeting around the world is in the same place as you and will understand completely how you might feel. I would suggest just finding a meeting, show up, sit down and listen. You don't need to say a word if you don't want to. Just take in the words and compassion you will feel as you listen.
So glad you showed up and please keep coming back because we are here 24/7 to help each other.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thank you all so so much for your encouragement and understanding. I was debating telling my husband I was ready to get out of this but I will go to a meeting. I will keep in mind everything you have all said and I hope one day I will be able to tell my story rather than live it.
Many of us, myself included, had many trepidations about going to that first meeting. For me I think it was because that would be concrete acknowledgement that there was a problem (I had plenty of denial myself). The first few meetings were difficult, not because of others there, but because I felt so much turmoil myself. I often would go to a meeting and only cry! Then I started going to online meetings here, reading, working with a sponsor, and I went back to face to face meetings and I started experiencing them in a completely different way. We are all there together because we understand what it is to love and/or live w an alcoholic.
Keep coming back, and yes those meetings are for you and I can tell you personally they helped me go from feeling lost, anxious and chaotic to feeling strong and confident.
Welcome. I am also married to an alcoholic with 2 kids. It has been 11 very challenging years. I came to this message board for probably a year before I ever even posted and I basically crawled into my first face to face meeting after he was arrested for drunk driving (um, the first time) and I had hit my own personal bottom.
I can assure you there is nothing to be afraid of. At that time, I cried pretty much non-stop at every meeting though (I had bottled up a lot of fear/grief/anger) but for me, that one hour I was out of the house and with people who understood me, meant the world to me and gave me the strength and hope to make changes. I went to 4 meetings/week for almost a year and now (4 years later) I go twice/week. Back then, I couldn't imagine that I would still be going this long--but meetings make me feel sane when my home life is a big, confusing mess. And if anything I have experienced can help someone going through something similar then I am grateful to help.
You are in the right place and you are not alone. Best wishes for some peace.
AH, that is what it is called. A denial alcoholic. Since he holds his job I hear FUNCTIONAL alcoholic, but I think a person whose family is breaking up due to their drinking, is not functional. But, he is definately a denial alcoholic. Thank you for that.
Hope you find the strength to not get sucked in; it takes determination and your HP. You can do it one moment at a time; one day at a time. Learn a few of the slogans you can say outloud, or in your head when necessary to help remember what is really going on.
I found that strength in AlAnon meetings. It was like the light went on.
Hi furneem. Feeling lost and isolated and alone are all part of this dreaded disease. My heart grieves when I think of all the people (the alcoholics and the family and friends of alcoholics) who are suffering. We have all felt what you are feeling, and I especially like what grateful2be said about the "whispers of the disease." My biggie was what are people going to say if they find out my husband is an alcoholic. And for so long, I was in denial that I had a problem. After all, I don't drink. It was until God led me to Al-Anon that I realized just how sick and distorted my thinking had become. This is what happens to people who are affected by alcoholism. Our lives revolve around the alcoholic. We try everything imaginable to get our loved one to stop drinking. When we realize that we are powerless over alcohol, then we have begun our first step in our recovery.
I urge you to try Al-Anon. It will teach you how to take your focus off of him and put it on you.
Keep coming back.
((hugs))
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I left my first A four years ago. I thought I was leaving the disease when I left the house he lived in. Not true. I'm still really messed up over the whole thing (I'm with my second A now). If you do leave it is still a good idea to work through how this disease has affected you. I didn't do the work after i left A#1 and ended up with A#2 .
I relate a lot to what you said above. My first A would stop drinking for a few days, then reward himself with a drink (or bottle or two) after he proved he could stop drinking with willpower. It was craziness. I hope you find some peace and serenity through this forum and at meetings.
His family sat him down last week in a kind of intervention and all was ok for a few days. I have been away and come back today and within 3 hours we were arguing. He always argues with me when he has a drink and I always rise to it 