My first post - Al-Anon Family Group

Hapilynn · Member

My first post

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello and welcome to MIP. I can't diagnose anybody and usually would call someone an alcoholic only if they do. What I do know is that if somebody's drinking bothers me, I can get the help I need by attending AL-Anon for friends and family members of a loved one who drinks to excess or are alcoholics. I have learned I am powerless over alcohol, my loved ones and friends who drink. I have also found the help and understanding I have needed to learn how to detach from the drinker and focus on me and my quality of life whether or not they keep drinking or enter a recovery program. Glad you're here. Keep coming back.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Hapilynn, I'm so glad you found MIP because you have found a whole bunch of friends here. I have been married to my husband for 39 years and the last 15, he's been a heavy drinker. Only the drinker can say whether or not he/she is an alcoholic, but we, who live with them can certainly see all the symptoms. Have you talked with him about his drinking? If so, how did he react? I remember hearing an A at an open discussion meeting saying she wished someone had approached her about her drinking before it became so bad.

Even if he is an alcoholic, there is nothing you can do about it until he's ready to help himself. We are powerless over alcohol. But like grateful2be said there is something you can do to help yourself. Find Al-Anon and attend the meetings. There you will learn what you can do to help yourself. I cannot begin to tell you how they have helped me. We, the people who are affected by someone's drinking become so wrapped up in the alcoholic, they we lose sight of ourselves. This is a slow process, and we are unaware that this is happening to us (at least I can say this about myself.)

Keep coming back, Hapilynn and take one day at a time.

((hugs))

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome--

Glad you have come here where you will find support and friendship from others who understand. You are not alone. For me beginning to attend Alanon meetings consistently and working the 12 steps w a sponsor has made an incredible difference in my life.

Keep coming back

Mary

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

One definition of an alcoholic that made sense to me was that it's someone whose drinking becomes harmful to them, and yet they keep on drinking. It sounds as if your husband qualifies for that, anyway. And 8-10 beers every night is way more than casual drinkers drink. Sometimes we're so used to their behavior that our ideas of what's normal get distorted. By what you report, your husband is a very heavy drinker, it's harming him, and he isn't stopping. And he got a DUI years ago. Those are all worrying things, and I think any reasonable person would be concerned.

As you may know, we can't stop them drinking if there were a way, we would have found it. But we can change the dynamic of the situation and make our own lives much more peaceful with the tools of Al-Anon. I hope you'll find a good meeting, keep reading on here, and keep coming back. Hugs.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Hapilynn and welcome to the board...the earlier suggestion of "if it bothers you check in with the Al-Anon Family groups" is what I did. When I got there I listened while they read the AMA definition of alcoholism which in part said that it was a compulsion of the mind and an allergy of the body. Didn't take me long to accept that what my alcoholic/addict wife had was the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction and that she was a sick person and not the bad person I thought her to be. Then the focus turned on me and why I was so insane while trying to figure out so I could fix what it was that I was powerless over. The hotline number for the program of Al-Anon is in the white pages of your local telephone book. Call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area and then come as soon as you can. The disease has your attention and after a while without support...it will get all of you. Glad you showed up and hoping you will keep coming back. ((((hugs)))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

That sure sounds like alcoholism to me.

Hapilynn · Member

Thank you for the replies and so warmly inviting me to stick around.

I can't talk to him about his drinking because he changes the subject, or turns it around on me someway. When he was younger and worked a regular job he would only drink on weekends and then it got to where the weekend started Thursday and ended Monday, and then it was every night and he's been at it every night for at least a decade. He will tell me it doesn't affect me...but it does. He's escaping into his own world, so i'm pretty much alone every evening. He starts off by going to his mother's house (next door) and drinks over there for an hour or two before coming home. Then he fills up his ice chest with beer and goes into the jacuzzi and stays in there a few hours drinking and watching tv, yes he has a tv in there. Then he moves to the living room where he drinks, snacks, and watches tv some more and gets on the computer. He stays up late, sleeps late, takes a nap in the middle of the day, so i'm alone a lot. People don't seem to know what he's doing, and he's fairly functional. He can change the oil, fix things that break, do electric and plumbing. He's highly talented in a lot of things. He does things for people, is good to his mother.

He has a lot of anger and no patience, will destroy and throw stuff. One time we were in an argument and he said if i don't shut up he's going to break his laptop. I could care less, so i didn't shut up and he smashed it on the coffee table.

But anyway, perhaps this is not a site to vent about my spouse, but rather to stop dwelling on him and change myself. I picked up a book about co-dependency, and recognized myself in all the ways i'm filled with resentment and somehow thinking how bad he needs to change when really i need to change myself. Was looking for the al-anon meetings but there is none near me. But i've only just found this site and will read up on some of the posts, i'm sure there is a wealth of information right here.
Thanks again,
Hapilynn

Tampa · Veteran Member

Welcome to Miracles in Progress! Please feel free to join our meeting this morning in the meeting/chat room. We have two great picked topics and then one open topic everyone can pick to talk about what is weighing on their heart. You may speak freely about anything Al-Anon related that is troubling you. I hope to see you there Hapilynn. You have found a wonderful place.
The meeting / chat room is www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Where you see the box that says mib_xxxx just erase that and put in your own nick and you will be brought into chat. Then after the meeting (if you choose to join) feel free to stay for free chat after to speak with people that are more than willing to hang around and chat with you.
These msg boards are a blessing as well. I love this site and is a place I call home! Hope to see you. (((hugs to you))) and be good to you.

Tampa

Hapilynn · Member

Thank you Tampa, and hugs back at you! I have an appointment this morning, but will try the chat meeting another time.

Hapilynn

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember being told when I came here it's a progressive disease. Well it came to pass over the last 5 years. He went from a productive working man to someone that is now sitting in prison for his choices to drink and drive. He has lost it all but I will continue to pray for him and me.

Keep coming back because you are not alone

((( hugs )))

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Al anon tells us if we are bothered by another person's drinking, there is help when we work the program of al anon. "Just one DUI" is one too many in my opinion! 8-10 beers is a lot. One time I looked up online what "average drinking" looked like. It said 1 drink per day for women and 1-2 for men. Something like that...not an exact quote. If it's hurting his health and it bothers you, it's an issue. Alcoholics come in many varieties. Seriously. I , too felt like I was living alone when I lived with my AH. He has his own rituals revolving around drinking too and he slept all the time too. Sometimes we find out that even if they stop drinking, they are still doing other things that we can't live with.

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Thursday 14th of August 2014 11:37:10 AM

-- Edited by Newlife girl on Thursday 14th of August 2014 11:37:49 AM

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.