I invite you to read my response to cloudyskies below about this hitting bottom.

No matter what you do, it does not control the A disease. He may never  hit bottom. whatever that is.

This is my experience. He does love you, no question. I bet he even puts you on a pedestal. Even though at times it does not feel like it.

Most A's marry a good person who is not A. Over the years as he gets sicker, he likes himself less and less and knows his spouse is too good for him. this is how some think. He knows he lies, manipulates is selfish and more. The guilt eats him up. This does not have to be in a long term marriage either.I just see this a lot.

He may meet another A, a woman he relates to. He knows she won't have the same expectations a non A wife would have. even if only in his mind. He does not have to live up to anything, he can drink or do whatever and this woman will put up with it and may join him. she probably has very low self esteem. She is no threat to you at all. It has nothing to do with you. It is totally him.

Of course he still wants you. Its sick but it is more you are family like a sister or mother. He is attached to your strength, your being responsible holding things together. His disease makes him want to go mess around, but when he get sick of it, like most, he wants to come home.

Its hard to be emotionally tore up and get this on your own. I have seen it hundreds of times. Most all do come back. Sadly most responsible partners who do not have a program take them.

I felt for a long time I was his wife, I made vows....then I learned I married a man who was a dependant, parasitic drunk, and also a very gentle wonderful man who did his part.

He lives with this old broken down woman now who supports him. i know darn well if he ever has a brain working moment, he very much misses me and loves me. but no thank  you.

this was an over 39  year relationship.

This is what makes it up to you. He is not going to change. He may grow up some if he goes on program, but he will relapse and that puts them right back to his illness before they got on program.

He wants his security to be right there waiting for  him as you are his rock. Myself I did not want to be his rock. I wanted to be his equal, his wife.

They do not have to try to be anything but themselves with another A or someone who has no self esteem and puts up with it.

I hope this helps. i know you are in a very hurting place. please keep coming and sharing. we get it, and we care.

If my husband said these things this is what I would like to respond:

"I am thinking of leaving."
Me:"That saddens me greatly, but go if you want. I don't own you and don't want you with me out of pity."
"Would you take me back if I left?"
Me: "That is a question I am not answering and one you don't deserve the answer to if you are just going to up and leave me. Also, I will not quit my job, move towns, or wreck my whole life over you. I worked to have this career and life and it belongs to me. If you don't want to share it with me, I will just have to move on doing the best for me a day at a time. Also, if you get with someone else, that won't make me wreck my life. It will probably have me giving up on you quicker and I hope that person makes you happy because you will have really screwed things up with me. I don't want to have this cruel conversation again. If you are going to leave just get some balls and do it. Don't screw with my heart."

I know I would cry a lot and it would be harder than I'm thinking, but I would pray to hp for this to be my response as this is who I want to be in relationships now. Just me.

I did not want to be his rock. I wanted to be his equal, his wife.

I loved this line in one of the posts above. I am strong. I am stable. I get things done, on time, on budget, and right w/o being told. The A needed that. I wanted a spouse; I got an A who needs me much more than I ever needed him. He needed me to complete him & take care of him. I was already complete in God, so just wanted companionship; but not someone to "complete me". But, boy can they lie, and charm your socks off. He wanted a SAHW. Yea! That is what I wanted to do. But, I had no idea that I was here to just manage his life; not to share it. 

I wanted to be adored, a princess, not a substitute for a mother, maid, personal assistant, financial adviser, nanny, etc. I gave the best of what I had; and got nothing in return but ridicule and to be told how horrible I was. 

As I sit in my reading room on my reading chair surrounded by boxes, waiting for moving day; he comes in and says, "I guess we are out of stamps?"  I know it is a simple question, but seriously. We? Who the heck is we? We have split up the cash $. He has a good paying job and in two weeks I will be unemployed. Am I supposed to keep "us" in postage stamps? And the light in the hallway blew out a week ago. I have not gotten the ladder and a new bulb & changed it. These, and a 1,000 other things I have done and he just always assumed these things just happened by osmosis, I suppose. Boy, is he in for a rude awaking. 

Even though I live JUST FOR TODAY I do not see this ever changing, even if the drinking ceased. He is so self absorbed he can't see past his nose.

We have been going back and forth on the rest of the financial agreement. He doesn't want to put anything in writing, but we (my atty) gave him a legal proposal and he has to answer it by Aug. 22. Today, we came to an agreement, via email, and he said, "call your atty and tell him."  "You have to answer the order through your atty or in writing."  "Why do you want to be difficult, just call and tell him."  "You have to answer the complaint; I can't do that for you."  "He's your atty. you handle it."  So, he has until Aug. 22 to answer and then it goes to a judge. His secretary no longer works here either. Bummer.

I love this, that I read on here. NO. is a complete sentence. :)

 

 

 

 

 

-- Edited by blessed on Tuesday 12th of August 2014 07:34:28 PM

We're all afraid at first, Ellen, and then one day after continuing the daily Al-Anon work and doing things we love to do, we notice that we're laughing and loving again. That doesn't mean we ever totally stop thinking of them or feeling the loss and missing them sometimes, but we do heal and we do love again just differently than we once did.

I wasn't always grateful, Ellen. Prayer, my HP and the program helped me get there and you will, too! You are where you are for now and you are loved as you are now, too. (((E)))

Blessed - good for you in dumping all those hats from your head and letting him do something himself or not. Doesn't matter what he does. You've certainly seen the light on your side of the street and know that it isn't your job to go change the bulb when light grows dim on his side.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 15th of August 2014 04:45:13 PM

Ellen Many prayers for the serenity,courage and wisdom of the program to surround you and make you feel whole

Hi Ellen
Are you reading all 3 main Daily Readers and getting a sponsor who can guide you through the steps?

That's where it found the God of my understanding whom I rely on for emotional recovery.

Ellen!!! I am so happy to see that you found a sponsor to help you work the steps! I love the Al-Anon approved literature that is offered to us who are in the program. The books with stories, steps, questions, the magazine, the readers, the workbooks, the pamphlets are such a help to me and I can see they have been and are a help to you, too. I have a library full of Al-Anon books and pamphlets that are coffee stained or tear stained with dog ears and highlights and I'm so grateful to the folks who actually work the Al-Anon program and their shares. I can see that you are already experiencing the help that members in our fellowship give us both personally and in our literature.

I had a really good meeting today about the Third Tradition and feeling like you belong to a group.  I know that I have isolated myself so much through the years that I often feel like I don't belong.  Being in Al-anon helps me get over that feeling.  I know I am in the right place when I hear others saying what I am feeling.  

I am so thankful to have found this MIP site as well as my Al-anon group.  I am going to miss it tremendously when I go back to work next week.  I have found some really good people to talk to.  

It is so true...Keep Coming Back works!!