Trying to keep to myself - Al-Anon Family Group

Hereandnow · Member

Trying to keep to myself

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of encouragement and support as you focus on you and your daughter, take it one day at a time and trust that your HP will guide you and your choices if you ask and listen for the next right step to take.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Isn't it weird how we know darn well they are drinking again, yet we question it? I think the truth is too horrible to face, especially with kids involved.

You sound wise. Yes an A drinks, they just do. No we have no control over that. Sooner or later they will, even when in recovery. We have to decide if we want to live with them when they are drinking.

I left or had mine leave becuz he had a brain surgery, along with that the medical relapse, in time made him dangerous. Before he got bad I used al anon skills and was quite happy to at least have him home. I loved and liked him.But violence is not tolerable.

I hope your home comes through for you and sweet little one. Myself I would never have kids with an A or allow my kids to live with one. Makes me sad to say that as I love so many A's in my life past and present.

Please keep coming and letting this out. I am very sad this is happening, but glad u are able to face the truth and keep you and kiddo safe.

Yes I sure know what you mean. I could just look at my AH and know he had drank. We were so close, two peas in a pod. There was no question he was not him. For me when someone is under the influence, I cannot find their heart. i cannot connect with them. drugs kill that part of a person. sad.

hugs and love

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

You have time Lis...take time..."time takes time" is a slogan. Don't rush ...slow down. Think and ask for feedback and help from others. That is how I learned even with the alert that I wouldn't get all the answers over night cause I didn't get here that way. Glad you are here. Keep to yourself with a lot of Al-Anoners surrounding you. ((((hugs)))) smile

Kelly123 · Veteran Member

My A#1 did EXACTLY what your A is doing. Our liquor cabinet was always filled with EMPTY wine bottles.lol. I remember when my A was happy and outgoing. and that would instantly put me in a bad mood because I knew he had been drinking. He just got a little too gregarious and fun loving when he had been drinking. It was very annoying. He even was that way the morning after drinking. Then by about 4pm he was cranky and by 7 he would be hitting the bottle again. Madness!

I am familiar with guilt gifts. My ex used to buy me nice things. It is nice your A is treating you to an experience you can share as a family.

Jerry F had good advice, don't rush.

Just because you get a mortgage and a place doesn't mean you are free from this person. Or free from alcoholism (i learned that the hard way). Take your time especially if you are buying a place. there are so many fees involved if you decide later you made the wrong decision. By all means do what you feel is right I am just being devils advocate to say that it may be worth looking into short term furnished rentals or even a rental for a little while, until you gain some clarity. Alcoholism makes them and us sick. If I was your friend I would say to you that it is much easier to buy than to sell, and to go to some counselling to talk to someone before you make any huge purchases. My situation was much different than yours, but I bought a place and did so a bit hastily and ended up selling it again within a short period of time. I lost a lot of money on the place just due to realtor fees, etc.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Its hard to live with an active drinker, I cant or wont do it. Its too chaotic, unpredictable, addictive, I lost myself living with alcoholism. You sound strong and if he has crossed your boundary then having a plan b is helpful. X

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

I know how hard it is to think about leaving or staying. Weighing out the pros and cons. Accepting the loss of what I thought my life was going to be like, and dealing with the reality that with an A, my A, life is hard. My child is full grown, has a wife and child of his own, and pressures me to leave my A. It's all hard. However, with a year in now of alanon, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I feel much better than I used to, and I have much improved coping skills. I use my recovery tools every day, and in time I will figure out what to do. Now I just take ODAT, use all my wonderful alanon resources, and I know eventually it will all work out and be OK. Lyne

blessed · Senior Member

Well at least I now know where my husband is. : At your house.

All that you described was in our past. Now, as we prepare for separation it is very interesting. He will say, "we can do this ourselves. All we have to do is cooperate."

Now, COOPERATE paraphrased, means, "You agree w/me and this will all be done. I will not give you what the law entitles you to, but don't concern yourself w/ that; just sign here." And if I disagee I am being uncooperative, difficult..... Him disagreing w/ me is not uncooperative, that is me being uncooperative. He can't see that. Hmmmm. He is always right; and I am just not cooperating.

One of my favorite words in AlAnon is BAFFLING. This disease, or the mind of the diseased, is BAFFLING. For me to argue w/ him only makes me crazy, and one crazy person is enough.

What is interesting is that he is trying to save $$ on attorney fees, so he just has consults, then works his own case. His atty is not typing anything or submitting anything to my atty. thus saving him $. His atty tells him what to say, and he comes home and tries to get me to VERBALLY agree on things. I just keep saying, "put it in writing." He will say, when you are agree with me, I will write it down. Nope! I did that two weeks ago, took out the $ he agreed to, and two days later he said that conversation never happened, and I was lying & grabbing money. My atty. is fed up with him. He says, "put up or shut up. Give me your atty's name and I will deal w/ him and not you." He will not give the name of his atty to me or my atty. but won't submit anything either, or answer our letter/offer to him. He has until Aug. 22 to answer then we go to the Judge w/ another order. But, I am being uncooperative? BAFFLING. I am not happy w/ legal fees, but I have to have legal respresentation.

I will share w/ you how I came to separate. Everyone has to make that decision in their own time: stay or leave. Assuming nothing changes (nothing changes if nothing changes) each day, Just for Today, if nothing changes, can I live like this? Can I work my program and not get sucked in? I asked myself that each monring. For many mornings, I stayed, Just for today. Then on Friday, July 25 my AH engaged in a conversation where he talked over me and/or interrupted me w/o letting me finish a sentence, and also belittled me, kept up his denial of his disease (said the only disease he had was our marriage & he needed a wife that knew how to be a wife) and after about 15 mins. of that I said, "Just for today, I can not live like this." And I called my attorney. He was on vacation so I had to wait a week to meet w/ him, but it was done, for me. And that was a looonnnngggg week. Even today, formal divorce changes have not been filed. Only a financial agreement drawn up and sent to my AH. I told him this morning, "If I don't get some $ I can't leave. I only have enough for the mover, then I am broke." Silence.

I think I will rent for awhile before buying. Even though a mortgage payment is usually less than rent. I have been under stress for a long time, and buying a house is a huge undertaking, even w/ a spouse w/ an income v. a single women w/ noone to fall back on. I have bought and sold several houses "by owner", so not afraid of the process, but just don't want to get stuck in one if I lose a job, or want to move, etc.

Hang in there, and stay strong; don't engage..... etc. etc. You're doing great.

T~

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