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Usually I have our vehicle on Fridays so my AH doesn't get paid and go off on a binge with his paycheck and the truck. Tomorrow will be the first time he is using the truck on a payday and I am freaking out already thinking the worst is going to happen. I could easily take him to work or have him get a ride but then that is me trying to control him and the disease. He has been doing good lately if he stops and picks up my money he will make it back home to give it to me. But it's never been as much as his paycheck plus it's Friday and he loves to binge on the weekends. It's driving me crazy. I keep trying to get out of my head but I can't seem to do it for very long. I can't go to a meeting because I don't have one near me. Ughhh
And he's working right around the corner from one of his favorite bars. I'm seriously tempted to not let him take the truck because if he does drive it drunk it's on my insurance but then I'm controlling everything and I'm not supposed to do that.
Being prudent and taking care of you is a good thing to do. If your motivation is to control him - that's a problem. If your motivation is to take care of yourself based on the facts of what he does when he gets paid - that's not a problem. Not to me anyway. If I know a person is a firebug and I'm living with them, I'm going to do what I can to reasonably protect myself right down to hiding every match there is in the house. Will the firebug like it? Of course not. Will they say I'm trying to control them? Probably. Does it matter? No. What matters is that I do what I can to protect myself from losing my home. Trying to control your husband would be more like nagging and pleading not to go spend money at the bar and then driving to the bar to repeat the message. If the truck and/or insurance is in your name and you let him drive the truck knowing what he does when he gets paid - then, the consequence for that does fall on you.
I agree with grateful on this. AW and I have had many 10s of 1000s of $ wasted on booze, accidents, insurance, lawyers, rehab, etc. it's both our money, and someone has to be responsible for it, and also to be able to raise our child, so I have no problem watching out financially. If that takes taking away keys, pulling money out of an account, etc. I will do it. If I have safeguarded everything and she still wants to walk/bicycle somewhere, that is where I feel it has gone into control.
It's not controlling when your the liable party if something happens. Time to get your name off if that's the case. I had to impound my son's car back when, because I was liable. I gave it back after he had everything in his name. Then it happened....totaled the car.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Well of course he thinks I'm trying to control everything but in the end it's my name on everything and I'm the one who could be screwed by being left with no money for 2 weeks and if he were to get caught driving drunk or crash while drunk. Now I don't feel so bad about doing that to make sure me and our son don't sink with him. I don't care if he takes the money that's left of his paycheck and blows it because at least the bills are taken care of but he always tries to drive our truck drunk and at the time doesn't realize I'm tryin to stop him because I would have to pay out the ass if he did something. I'm not trying to stop his drinking as long as it's not with our vehicle that's got my name on and as long as I've got money to put food in our sons mouth. It's hard to budget for a binge so if he blew his entire paycheck we would be in the red for weeks and i think it's my responsibility to make sure that's not happening. I have take money out of account when he's out so he can't use anymore than what he had on him when he left and of course he thinks I'm "stealing" it. But when he comes back I'm paying bills and the money is back In the account. Hard to argue with an A whether their sober or not sometimes.
He asked if he could use the truck while I was still sleeping and I gave him the keys. I was quite anxious this morning until he texted me and said he was leaving work early and then my anxiety was through the roof. He did make it home with all of his paycheck and sober. I feel like a jerk for getting so worked up but it wasn't that long ago that he was still binging. I guess he is trying and going to outpatient. He was pretty happy when he seen that I was happy he made it home sober with his paycheck. I don't think I will let him continue to do this every week since I know how his track record is but I want to let the past be the past and give him the chance to gain my trust back and him get sober without the past weighing us down
My experience is that it takes a good long time for a person to get trustable sobriety under their belt I would say a year at least. At the moment, if I understand correctly, you have only one vehicle between the two of you? That would worry me because, as you say, if he drives drunk it could impact your insurance, as well as the driveability of the vehicle -- not to mention potentially decimating your finances if someone else is hurt or worse.
I think if I were in this position I would have my own vehicle and my own insurance, and let him have a separate one.
I guess the "good" news is that if he's going to stay sober and responsible, that will become clear with time, and if he's not, that will also become clear.
Greateful2Be - Love your post. There are some people that basically say, "Just let go......." and as you said, that is not a black & white thing.
What led to our dismize was a few months ago the AH wanted to have more control over the $. I have always managed the money, and as his drinking has progressed, I didn't think a wise time for him to take it over. He is joint to everything and could go the bank at any time and take it all; but it was more of a, "you give it to me" control kind of thing. I said, "If you want online banking, go to the bank and sign up." He told me if I didn't give him my passwords there would be consequences. No deadline. I didn't give him the passwords and in a few days he opened up his own acct. and had to paycheck redirected and started taking money out of joint acct. I got my half before he got it all, but that was the beginning of the end. He was accusing me of grabbing $, and this, that and the other. I just say him taking all the cash, and took half. Within a few weeks I was calling my attorney and said, "let's start this process." If he was to manage the $ it would not be long until we had nothing, and started losing stuff. Not on my watch.
So, as others have implied, "if taking care of yourself and your security means hiding the keys, hide the keys." That is not contolling; it is smart. But, don't think that hiding the keys is going to cure the drinking. He will still drink. Hopefull, it just won't be whiel driving.
Stand your ground and draw your line in the sand.
And rememer, no long explanations are needed. No. is a complete sentence. I just heard that and have adopted it; love it. :)
Unfortunately separate policies doesn't work how some think. If you are living in the house of a licencsed driver who has DUI or tickets, etc. your insurance rate will be higher, even if you have your own separate policy; unless you lie. When my exA and I were legally separated he got a DUI, and I lived in a different house, and my ins. was still higher until we were divorced. That is crazy; it is like my neighbor getting a DUI and my rates go up. Who thinks this stuff up anyway?
Keep being smart. :)
-- Edited by blessed on Friday 8th of August 2014 07:10:01 PM
