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Short Background : My ABF has not had a drink (that I know of) in about 3 weeks. He didn't stop drinking until I left....I came back after a week.
Anyway, before he quit drinking, I was looking at houses, my options. I found a house I could possibly buy. I'm young and don't make a whole lot of money but we have 3 year old that deserves a good home.
So hes 3 weeks "sober" today. He is smoking pot 24/7 instead of drinking so I don't consider him RABF. He is not going to AA anymore, he only went 3 times, until the day I came home when he told me that AA wasn't for him. He isn't trying to find any alternative program or support, he said he is just going to quit cold turkey....
So I'm here, Looking for advice, experience, etc. I still want to leave. I know they say not to leave until at least 6 months of working al-anon. I've been reading/researching Al-Anon and support group forums since April. I've been to 2 Al-Anon meetings and I attended an AA meeting with ABF the day before I came home. I plan on finding a "home group" soon. I know that's not a lot of meetings but its what I've been able to do.
I feel like I'm tired of waiting. Most of me wants to grab my DD, buy that house and get on with our lives. But then, she asks me "where is daddy" whenever we are driving, even if its just to the grocery store. He is a good dad for the most part. He isn't a good boyfriend but Ive got my own problems that keep me from being the most supportive girlfriend ever. I just don't know if I can get past seeing him drunk every night, peeing on himself, verbally abusing me, waking me up countless times to talk, etc. I don't know if I can love who he is. Has anyone been through this stage?
You can love him and hate the disease and what it does as it progresses. I couldn't live with the crud that got increasingly worse with my x. I didn't attend meetings for 6 months while I was married to him either. He was a drug addict, alcoholic and abuser. My kids and I deserved to live in a home free of drugs, health hazards and a person pretending to himself that he didn't have a problem. Even though it is suggested we attend Al-Anon for 6 months before making any major changes, there are exceptions to that guide and we get to decide what we'll take from what we hear in the program. I don't regret moving the x out and freeing my home from toxic behavior and noxious poisons. If anybody thinks pot is no big deal - I lived with it. Yes, it is a big deal. It destroys, too.
Dear Here and Now welcome to MIP. I am glad you reached out and shared your concerns. Alcoholism is a progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. The situations that you described are very familiar and I know that I too have shared your thoughts and fears. I'm glad that you found Al-Anon and understand the concepts and principles that it embodies.
Al-Anon is a spiritual program that did restore my self-esteem and self-worth while giving me the tools to rebuild my life with courage, serenity and wisdom. I would like to note that even if you left your boyfriend today, the effects of living with this disease last a long time. It would still benefit you tremendously to attend Al-Anon meetings and pick up the powerful tools that are offered.
What I truly needed to learn was that alcoholism is a disease over which I was powerless. That in order for me to have a good life, built on self-esteem and my self-worth, I needed to take the focus off others and place it entirely on myself. I had to learn my motives, my reactions and develop new tools to live by. It is all a process but so very rewarding.
It is not necessary to make a decision about your relationship until you are ready. We have online meetings here twice a day, and you can always share on the board when you feel up the need.
I am rejoining this board..been away for many many years but I did want to reply to your post because I was also in the same situation with my first husband who was a drug addict and alcoholic. What broke the camels back for me was the fact that my little girl could be taken away from me if cops ever came to our house and found drugs. Usually what happens in situations like this is the children go to foster care while the parent attends classes to gain custody back. This was enough to pack up my stuff and go, find a better and safer place for my daughter and start over. I was broke and floated from house to house for 4 weeks until I had enough money saved for a place. It was not the most desirable thing to do but I became stronger during this period in my life and I am so proud for making that decision for the sake of a safe environment for me and my daughter.
I know how you feel and it's not a very pleasant place to live, watching someone deteriorate in front of you and they do nothing about it. It's very scary to watch the decline in alcoholism. It sounds to me that your ABF is in the 3 phase of alcoholism....look up stages of alcoholism if you are interested. I will pray that you and your child is safe while you search for your answers.
Well if I was in your situation, in a position to buy my own house and leave, I know I would.
I think it gets harder as the child gets older in my opinion. Also harder once you get married.
Yes, I have been through this, my daughter is 7 now, my husband got slightly better than when she was 3, BUT it had to get much worse before we came to where we are now and it is far from fairytale. Unfortunately I have been always dependent on him because of finances and visa but I am slowly planning my lucky scape.
Take care.
-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 4th of August 2014 07:17:46 PM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
"Where is daddy?" is a natural question, and you can answer it calmly -- "He can't live with us at this point because he has problems, and I don't know when or if he'll live with us again, but you and I are here and we're going to do X and Y and it will be fun." Or whatever. "Where is daddy?" is a matter of fact question, it doesn't mean "I am devastated without my dad around and would rather have him here using drugs and throwing up and being an irresponsible parent than live a calm life with my non-addict parent." What I mean is not to glamorize life with daddy for a kid it's only great if the dad is a healthy dad. I used to yearn for my mother to leave my father, but she never would.
It sounds like you have your A's number he's replaced one compulsive behavior with another, and going without a recovery program means there's nothing standing between him and the relapse of the alcoholism. He's trying to bluff his way through it as I bet all of ours have.
Keep on taking good care of yourself and your daughter, and keeping your eyes open and your wits about you!
Aloha and I'm glad you are HereandNow cause this is the site for answers and support. Has anyone been thru your stage...Probably all of us because it is one of the stages of progression in the disease of addiction...switching drugs, making vain attempts at non-drinking which isn't sobriety in the least, promising change including "going cold turkey" (You cannot get sober with the same brain you use to get drunk with) etc etc. I didn't know any of this stuff when I found Al-Anon. I couldn't even spell alcohol, alcoholic or alcoholism. I didn't know and I didn't even know that I didn't know. My then alcoholic/addict wife was a "bad" person and not a "sick" person. She was a b*** just like the one before her (also alcoholic) and the one before that (also and addict) and then the ones after. You might already have asked the question what the hell is the matter with this guy? I also needed to know that answer and I needed to know what the problem was first. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. It cannot be cured...only arrested by total abstinence (including other mind and mood altering chemicals) . It is progressive and if the alcoholic was to have any time without drinking and then pick up again (relapse) it would be as if no period of sobriety ever existed often it will be worse. The alcoholic has but three choices; sobriety, insanity and death. The definition goes on and includes us. We too are as affected as the alcoholic in that we have learned to act and react in such away that we affect everyone we come in contact with also. We also have the same three choices...Serenity, insanity and death.
That is the AMA definition of the disease. Why was I so addicted to having relationships and marriages with alcoholics and addicts? The next step for me was to find out the answer to that question cause if I didn't I would repeat the process progressively until it was over which it almost was the last time I married an alcoholic/Addict. It was either Serenity or Death and closer to the latter than the former when I got led to the doors of Al-Anon. You are in a relationship with a person addicted to a mind and mood altering chemical...his brain isn't working...don't trust or expect him to be sane...he isn't. You have come here because you trusted yourself to do something right and good for you not him and because of the effect of this fatal disease on your life. The next step for me was continued attendance at the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups and the literature and the following of the suggestions I heard from those who came before me and had what I wanted. It came by finding a power greater than my alcoholic/addict wife and the chemicals and the insanity and my own faulty self will which at times told me I could do this "cold turnkey" and then I also knew that I couldn't get out of the problem with the same brain I got into it with. I used the fellowship and the miracle took place. You can have what we have also...you just have to do what we have done....Into the rooms with an open mind...sit down, listen and learn and then practice, practice practice. Keep coming back also. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 5th of August 2014 05:15:52 AM
luiza it does get harder as they get older, I see that. Is you A "sober" now? (I'm curious, I don't see it getting better with ABF dry)
I just don't know if I can regain my feelings for my ABF after everything. It doesn't mean he is a bad guy, he is actually great sober, but I think that vision of him drunk and blacked out is permanently engrained into my eyes. I hate feeling this way, not being attracted to the person I'm sleeping next to. Thinking of that house makes me happy, which then makes me feel guilty!
None of our As are bad guys - they are sick guys. We can't make them well no matter how many dreams we squash or possible HP guided changes to make we avoid or warnings in behaviors we forget. He isn't sober if he's smoking a drug 24/7. He isn't in a recovery program either. I can remember well how often guilt and a sense of duty kept me in a very life threatening situation. Finally, something happened that pushed me out of guilt and letting the good times (and there weren't really that many of them) and my vow offered in good faith into accepting I was powerless over him and his drug of choice and that my life had become unmanageable. I made the changes I could make and my life continually improved as a result of that initial decision to say "no more" to him and his disease and "yes more" to me and what I needed and wanted for my life and the life of my children.
grateful2be - you are so very right. I have admitted my life is unmanaged because of the disease. I guess we all know how hard that first step is!
I prayed last night and asked my hp: "if the path I'm going toward (buying/moving into a house) is the right one, please give me an undeniable sign."
My ABF texted me just a little bit ago and it read : "Do you remember the last time you called/texted me during the day? Me neither"
It started a big argument. I first reacted calmly and said "I'm sorry honey I've been slamed all day" and he texted back saying that I must've been slammed at work all month. He was looking for an argument and I made the mistake of joining. He told me he was unhappy, and that he feels like I don't love him anymore (I'm not overly affectionate and no I don't call....after 3 years of being told not to call or text unless its important, It becomes a habit.). I am welcoming when we both get home, I do kiss him good bye, say "Ilove you" and I've told him I'm proud of him about the not drinking alcohol many times. I guess he wants a doting housewife and I'm just not there. He told me while we were on the phone that if something doesn't change then we can't be together because HE isn't happy. I told him I'm not happy either (he didn't really care about my feelings)...Later I went to text him something, to make him feel better and I decided no. Its not my job to make him happy. What do I want to do? I want to not text him. So I didn't.
I guess that conversation might have been my HPs sign I asked for.
You are sooooooooooo right on. It isn't your job to make him happy. It's your job to make you happy, sister! You are so getting that 1st Step down. Turning to your HP who can restore you to sanity - good second and third steps starts, too. I'm not sure if the conversation was your HP's sign and yet we can never go wrong when we seek the wisdom and counsel and help of a Power untouched by this disease.
One of my favorite slogans - you don't have to attend every fight you are invited to.
Also, there were times when AW was active that I told her that I was proud of her for not drinking in some situation, and she ended up picking fights with me about that. That was about the time I gave up. I wasn't in Al Anon yet, but I figured out that slogan anyway.
Kenny
-- Edited by KennyFenderjazz on Tuesday 5th of August 2014 02:16:37 PM
He was worse before because he would drink out of the house a lot and do absolutely nothing on his two days off a week. So I was living a life of a single mother, a part that I had a drunk husband coming home from time to time. He has a demanding job and usually work very long hours/evenings/weekends whit a non fixed schedule. I never knew when he would finish early or late, when he was off work or when he would be back home. So I couldn't plan my own life because we had small child and I had to be there 100% of the time, couldn't count on him. Also, he would come drunk and wake me up to talk about the relationship (blame me for all his problems and unhappiness).
Now a days he mainly drinks at home and he is making a bigger effort with our daughter and housework. Also, every Friday when his work schedule is ready, he sends me a picture of the schedule so I know what is going on and I can plan stuff for myself. He lets me know if he is going out to drink and he comes back at a reasonable time. He asks for time off work when I have important things to do (he wasn't willing to do it before). He is working less hours due a position change at work, so he is spending more time at home.
Mostly important, I now have boundaries in place and he is now starting to understand and respect my boundaries. He knows I am not the source of his problems and he suspects he may have some sort of alcohol dependency but 'he is in control' apparently.
It is not a fairytale and far from what I dreamed of or consider ideal but even though it got better I was still going insane.
MIP is truly saving my mental health and my daughter's childhood. I am a better mum now that I am focusing on MYSELF.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Hi and welcome. I hope you can attend more meetings. The more I learned about alcoholism the more I realized the success rate at becoming sober isn't very high. I moved out of my house after being in al anon for almost a year. But I don't think you should worry about following a timeframe. You will know when the time is right to make a decision. I was also worried about my daughters feelings about us leaving my AH. She seems to be adjusting well. My priority is my safety and my children's. So I moved out. I still have to deal with him because of our daughter. I had to write down the pros and cons in our marriage. The bad outweighed the good. Journaling helps me. Keeping track of erratic behavior helps me remember why I left.
Newlife girl said something that reminded me of something...when I was unsure of leaving my first A, I kept track of days he drank and days he yelled at me. You can keep track of this in your cell phone, or in a diary. Cell phones are better I find because this way your A won't snoop and read the diary. When I realized my ex A was drinking and yelling 85 percent of the time I left. It is sobering seeing it on paper. Try not to have conversations with him about drugs and why they are bad and just try to watch and observe, how much , when etc.
You can either leave now or later, or you can stay. It is good you have options. If you don't leave ..you are going to have to find a way to be the kind of mother that you want to be for your kids. This can be challenging when you live with an addict. I am dealing with that myself now with my second A. We have a one year old son together. For now I am staying. Today I am here but I don't know about tomorrow. I understand your conundrum and I sympathize with the difficulties you are facing.
