The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had no expectations. His amends were an apology for the silent treatment and withdrawn behaviors. There was still a lot of blame shifting and excuses. At one point he said that he has to chide and tease our son because our son is an only child and doesn't have an older brother who can teach him that people aren't always nice and that they will make fun of you. Seriously??? UGH! He said our son needs to learn how to handle people being like that. My first thought was: YOUR HIS FATHER!!!! Oh well, at least he's working sobriety for now!
Then, he kept making comments about 'you Al Anoners' and how many of the people in AA say that Al Anon folks don't want AA folks to be happy. He insinuated a fe times that his marriage succeeding is what would make him happy. I kept feeling that he was pushing me towards reconciliation or a move in that direction and I was feeling uncomfortable. For the record, he's sober now for 2 months and working the program almost daily. He said that his sponsor told him that marriages have been healed by both programs but that his own response is, "Won't happen for me. Not with my wife. She is married to an alcoholic and she doesn't want to see me be happy." Yep, I nearly blew my top on that one yet I prayed to God to zip my mouth shut." He also made mention, AGAIN, to the fact that I seem to get my counsel from so many divorced people and I was quick to point out that if they were once married to guys in AA then I guess that's where he's getting his counsel from, too, right? Geez, it was draining but it was so much better than before. I felt calm, I felt unmoved, and I kept telling myself, "Bonnie, he's only 2 months sober and this will be a long road to haul. There's no need to succumb to this pressure to discuss things until you're ready or to capitulate to his victim mentality and blame shifting. Just stay quiet, listen and agree, and let him say what he has to say."
There was plenty more, but, in the end, I told him to just keep doing what you're doing. I told him that sometimes we are called to be long suffering and to have patience and that we just need to take life one day at a time.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
2 months seems very early to me to make amends. Its step 8 after all. That is probably why the immature version. But he is trying, and you lady are doing great!! Just keep it up, keep up the serenity!
Wow, you are an inspiration, I'm inspired by how well you handled that, I hope that I can remember your example next time I feel like questioning. Thank you!
I've heard a lot spoken against people in Al-Anon by some people in AA. We're even referred to in some circles as the AA's qualifier. Not much different than pre-AA, I guess. The good news is that we keep working the program and making progress one day at a time and your progress shows strongly in today's share. I love that saying we use in Al-Anon - "Your opinion of me is none of my business." It appears you are adhering to the spirit of that saying and choosing to keep your serenity and your cool in the face of his amends practice sessions. (((B)))
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 3rd of August 2014 01:48:33 PM
Good job Andromedia I admire your ability to respond and not react. You used your program tools well and it sounds as if they are automatic response at this time. Good work.
My husband once told me that AA folks believe that a slip in Al-Anon is:"One moment of compassion." That nearly brought me to my old behaviors of reacting but thanks to Al-Anon tools, I responded with a smile and we moved forward.
Seeing your tools in action, reminding yourself that he is only two months sober was a wonderful gift to read. You have worked long and hard and it shows
I pray that both of you continue on this journey accompanied by HP and your positive program tools
"I felt calm, I felt unmoved, and I kept telling myself, "Bonnie, he's only 2 months sober and this will be a long road to haul. There's no need to succumb to this pressure to discuss things until you're ready or to capitulate to his victim mentality and blame shifting. Just stay quiet, listen and agree, and let him say what he has to say."
Sounds like you had your program opened to the right page Bonnie. Good on you. This is early for a through 8th step and that's only my own impression based upon years in the program and my own 8ths. For now hopefully he was trying to do the best he could with what he now has and only more time will tell. My own alcoholic/addict did an 8th with me and invited me over to get it. She did the best she could with what she had then also however it took program work and effort for me to continue using mercy and grace during it rather than any other available tool. I had expectations for it that I don't even think I personally met when I did my own. The outcome is left over to Higher Power and "...acceptance is the solution to all of my problems". Thanks for the share. (((((hugs)))))
