Feeling so overwhelmed today. I forgot my cell phone at work. My older daughter was taking youngest to see her dad, who is my AH. My older daughter has a different dad. She was supposed to call AH around 12. Well, she called him at 11:30 and went to the house. He didn't answer the phone. I called him at 12:15 and he still didn't answer. So my kids sat in front of house for 30 minutes. The house is huge so he didn't hear anything. Dead asleep. hasn't worked since January and still can't get up before noon. So my daughter went back to our apartment and texted him and said he could come get her after he finally responded around 12:35. I agreed with her. He asked me to tell her to bring her back but I said no, he could go get her. He tried to explain he was out in backyard until 2 am so went to bed late...and besides we agreed to "after noon."  Always an excuse from Mr Baby. Meanwhile, I was working my ass off working 12 hours. He does not like boundaries. Too bad. he was being an ass to me,so I hung up. i can't deal with drama at work. Both my older kids were pissed at him. Oldest was mad at me because I refused to help her move some stuff into storage after working 12 hrs tonight. I put up lots of boundaries today to protect myself. I apologized to older kids for the drama From AH, But I also told oldest she can't try to make me feel guilty about the AH because of stuff like what happened today. She tries to pull the guilty moves on me. I try to explain that's why I left him so they don't have to live with him anymore. Hopefully some day they will understand the hardship this is for me. Raising 3 kids pretty much on my own with very little help from either dad. 

I am feeling resentful since I am working and AH isn't. He is very cagey about his plans for work and the house. I cannot and will not beat myself up for my past mistakes. If I lose a house, I lose a house. I am afraid to file divorce papers because I am afraid the judge will make me pay him alimony. i refuse to do that!!  He is capable of working but won't. So I am in limbo. And today was hard. If I feel guilty about choosing the wrong men in life, I will end up in bed for days and maybe start drinking like the AH!! I have to be functional...so I am.  But I am emotional and hurting. My oldest kids will be going to college next month and I will have to deal with AH on my own. Luckily I have friends for back up support to help with youngest. 

I still have people at work asking me about my personal life and I am becoming very good at saying I can't talk about it. Or I just say I am fine. Worst part was when daughter, who tends to be dramatic, called me and the stupid work phone was on speaker and I had to hang up on her so my coworkers wouldn't hear about AH, who they know! Later on she said she didn't care if they all hard everything about him. They are so sick of him. So am I. communication is really bad. I just feel sad. Called my sponsor about all this and she was helpful, but she is having health issues, so I feel bad calling her. She told me I need wot not feel codependent. I shouldn't feel badly about AH picking up our kid and I shouldn't feel bad about not helping daughter tonight. I have to take care of myself...right?? needed to add that older daughter went to house a little early...but main issue is he can't wake up before noon. And he didn't answer til 12:15. we agreed on "after noon". So I don't feel badly for him. He doesn't have a job!!! Please give me patience God.