Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> leaving my a/ breaking up
Post Info TOPIC: leaving my a/ breaking up
astallaslions


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:
leaving my a/ breaking up
Permalink  

I don't know what is harder, the fact that he is gone, or the fact that have so much catching up I have to do within my own life. 

I miss him everyday, and i know the biggest part of it is adjusting to a new routine, but I just hate it so much sometimes. I have to let go of the dreams of children and a home we would built by our own hand, and I have to remember all the reasons I left. All the night I felt ignored, all the nights he told me he would just spend one more hour mopping out on the porch, beer in hand, before we shared dinner, or a movie, or a song, but none of it hardly came, especially towards the end. I'd eat alone, I'd go to bed alone, or wait till he'd fall asleep so I could feel like I had peace. I stopped playing all together. I just stopped. I feel as silly and indecisive as I did the 2 years before we got together, and I feel like I've scarcely grown. I stood frozen by the madness, and absolved with my own madness, and I feel foolish. I am having a hard time breaking out of my same old habits. I'm already trying to self-medicate with men, entirely unavailable men. Instead of alcoholics, I pursue workaholics, and emotionally disconnected individuals. Great lays, I must say, but they just dig the hole deeper. I loved my a with all my heart and I know that he loved me truly. He was just so very sick. I couldn't stand around and wait. I couldn't watch my youth flit by while I begged a man, over a decade older than me, to get help. I couldn't watch him die in slow motion, or myself, or my dreams. 

It's funny when he left, I felt this lightening bolt of excitement and confidence, now that some time has passed and I've stopped numbing myself with so many distractions, I feel raw again. I feel that my boasting confidence is a front for a lot of insecure. I pounce around saying looking at me and my freedom, but inside i feel so broken. I flitter back and forth between emotions, new guys, between what my next step should be in my path, the important tasks at hand, are being downright ignored. I'm still neglecting myself and my needs as much as he used to, and it scares me. I've started to tip-toe around my depression, and without all the pretty men and friends and outings, in my apartment all alone, the grief is very real. The man I love the most, who I felt who understood me and accepted me for who I am inside, was too ill to treat me the way I deserved, and I wish we could have been enough, and I know, his sobriety had to be their own choice, but apart of me lies in bed at night, in terrible anguishing sorrow, craving my best friend, and knowing I can't reach out to him, and I feel slighted by fate to have had this experience. It was torture, and continues to be as I process. All I know how to do is just keep going. I'm not exactly sure where. 



__________________
grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:
Permalink  

The best friend you're missing could be you, sister. The more meetings you attend, the more listening to yourself and what you'd like to do with you and for you that makes your eyes twinkle and your heart flutter, the less distress you will feel. I can remember looking for love in all the wrong places at a time in my life. I didn't know at that time that what I was really seeking was a relationship with myself. I had abandoned myself at some point in my life and kept trying to fill the loneliness with things and people outside of myself. By doing things I loved to do (and my childhood held clues when I couldn't remember what I loved to do), I became re-acquainted with myself and the need for a partner died. It just died. I realized one day that I was happy being single and I've stayed that way for 30 or more years. I'm not suggesting being single for a long time is for everybody. It is and has been for me. I am suggesting that when you have become your best friend, enjoy doing things as a single person, and don't feel the need for a partner - you may very well find yourself being pursued by a partner who is perfect for you and you for them.

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
lookingup


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1008
Date:
Permalink  

I can soo relate to your story on being alone and without your mate,I to am needing to learn to be alone or better put enjoy being with me myself and I,and seeking these things out from my childhood the things that I enjoyed doing,I lost myself 35 yrs ago and still haveint found myself I am just looking forward to the day when I can actually put my abf in the back of my mind and wonder what in the world did I ever see in that man.im trying to be patient right now cause I know that can't come overnight that I. Gonna have to work at it,I'm trying to bury myself into this board and trying to catch all the meetings I can and I need to get back to church that's the hard one cause I go and see all these couples together that I've known most my life that are still loveing today and that's hard but that's not how it's happened in my life but I have to know that life is gonna be good for me being single as long as I add all I can to my life that's positives and healthy for me.its scary for me and I haveint gotten there yet for I'm still battleing with a abf liveing here not doing right.i know it's coming to a end soon for he is too far out there on something that there's nothing I can do to keep him here this is gonna be hard but I got to stick to my guns this time for every other time I begged him to stay or would chase after him.and he will and is useing this ,me takeing him back .this is where I'm at today and hopeing to be in a lots better position soon with myself soon.

__________________

Do the next right thing~

ONE DAY AT A TIME!

 

 
Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 13696
Date:
Permalink  

 

 

Great post astall...honest and open and willing to have change.  My sponsor told me "Get off of your program and into the program.  I came to understand what "changing it...changing me" mean't including it was hard, worthy work with astounding results.  I've done what you have just done and that  was my program...my own choices which I did in default.  With out change I would continue to do those same things over and over and over again often with the expectation and want of change as I read in this post and how could I do that without others in my life who knew from experiences what it was like for me and also knew what it was with change?  I chose The Al-Anon Family Group Program because I wanted what the others in the rooms had...sanity and serenity and stability.  

I love what the others have offered in response because I had to do that too...the getting to meeting the me I had  lived my entire life with and knew nothing about.  My Higher Power wanted that for me also and facilitated it directly...one on one and I decided to do it because it meant so much to my HP to facilitate the process with me. Because of it I know what being blessed is all about.

You're worth it girl...I'm in support.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



__________________
astallaslions


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:
Permalink  

Thanks so much for your honesty and support. I really appreciate it. 



__________________
Mirandac


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1662
Date:
Permalink  

Love yourself right now and what feels good for you.





__________________
el-cee


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5075
Date:
Permalink  

I agree with grateful, its you who needs to fulfill that hole. Its a courageous thing you have done but the freeing yourself physically is only one part of your recovery. The hard part is working on yourself, freeing your own mind, doing the reading, meetings, steps. Really digging deep, its too easy to blame how you feel right now on other people or events. Sorry to be blunt but there is no short cuts, i dont think, its the program work that frees you from how you feel and think. Its never going to be the a or anyone else.

__________________
PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:
Permalink  

I find when I am alone is when I really get to see who I am, the messes I make that I blame on others living in the household, how I talk to myself, what I use to distract me, how I sabotage my well being and the list goes on.  It sounds like you are getting an honest glimpse of that, too and are not liking it.  Accept and EMBRACE all of your habits, ways of being, etc....never shame your precious self.  Then go to meetings and be with people who will, too, love the boogars and the pearls.  BIG hug.



__________________

Paula
Tossed Salad


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 57
Date:
Permalink  

I have been exactly where you are now. Hang in there! If you keep working the program, things will get easier day by day. Grieving is a process and it takes time. Keep focused on today and what is best for YOU! I found that changing up my routine made it a little easier to not dwell in the past and what I felt I lost in my AH. Hugs to you!

__________________
blessed


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 233
Date:
Permalink  

Being alone by myself is better than being alone with my AH. 

 



__________________

Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~
Kelly123


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 71
Date:
Permalink  

So many things you said struck a chord with me and my own experience.

I left my first A (also the person who I still consider one of my greatest loves) about 4 years ago. I have an entirely new life now. But some days I still get very sad, some days it still feels like something is missing. Accept that it will be hard and difficult. You may not ever love the same ..but you may learn to love in a new way that is healthier, and that is much better for you in the long term. Sometimes doing something unfamiliar is harder because it is change. Be careful who you start any relationship with right now, or you may end up with another A like me. Try to go to meetings if you can.

Also I was going to mention that with alcoholics I've read that they are often at the same maturity level as when they started drinking. I have to wonder if the person in a relationship with an A is also at the same maturity level as when they started a relationship with the A. I say that because I feel that I am immature for my age, and sometimes I wonder if being with an A for so long has something to do with it. Good luck on your new journey

__________________
sunrise2014


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 27
Date:
Permalink  

I admire your courage to do what you had to for yourself. But I have to believe that things get easier in time, your feelings may never change for him but I hope they find themselves in that tucked away part of your heart that you chose to visit on your own will. Love yourself, don't look to others to fill a void that they cannot fulfill, that has not worked because it belongs to you, it's for you to satisfy.

__________________

Denys
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.
Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> leaving my a/ breaking up