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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Are there any happy partners of recovering alcoholics
Post Info TOPIC: Are there any happy partners of recovering alcoholics
Flossy


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Are there any happy partners of recovering alcoholics
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I'm new to this, completely new! Until just over a year ago I had a very happy independent life.  I have a very good job, a lovely home, amazing friends and was very sociable.  Then I met an alcoholic.  Obviously when I met him I had no idea he was an alcoholic but a few months in it became very apparent, he even told me outright he was an alcoholic, told me his 'story' everything.  Until the last few years he had achieved 10 years sobriety but the state he was in before this I hope to God I never witness.  Anyway, I can't say I'd had an awful lot of exposure to alcoholism so foolishly, when I told him that I couldn't condone an alcoholic actively drinking whilst admitting they are an alcoholic, I took him on his word when he said he wanted to stop and would go back to AA.  And back to AA he did go.  I think he lasted about 3 weeks before he picked up again.  Over the course of the summer this continued and every time he picked up I would refuse to have anything to do with him unless he was serious about sobriety.  He even went on to get a sponsor and start the steps, only about a month in his sponsor sacked him.  He told me that his sponsor was a nasty piece of work.  I've since discovered he thinks this of anyone he can blame for being unhappy or things not working out the way he wants them to.  Over the course of the summer he also became more and more verbally abusive, accusing me of putting my friends before the relationship (which I had never done) making nasty remarks about how I could stay here in my 'little palace' on my own, accusing me of behaving like a child always on Facebook.  Pretty much any put down he could dream up - oh another one was how I hated his parents! So he'd create these little dramas, do the obvious and go and get drunk, followed by cleverly not blaming me but saying if we hadn't argued he wouldn't have drank.  Of course he would, that's why he would argue with me!  Each and every time I would leave him and then spend weeks receiving emails and messages from him ranging from having a go at me saying how he couldn't believe I'd left him over nothing to saying how very sorry he was and he'd sort himself out.  One time he actually managed to reach almost 3 months.  The week before he picked up a drink was unbearable to the point my head actually felt like I was about to have a stroke the amount of pressure he was putting me under.  We'd known each other less than 6 months when he was pressurising me to let him move in.  I said no way, too soon in any relationship let alone one with the problems we were having. So he withdrew to his flat, refused to see me and claimed that I was treating him as nothing more than a buddy.  Then flew the accusations how I was doing this because it was coming up to Christmas and I wanted to go out drinking with my friends.  So he was basically creating a drama, applying intense emotional pressure and then flying accusations at me that simply weren't true.  I couldn't take any more so I left him for good.  At least I thought it was for good.  For the first two months I was bombarded with texts from both him and a friend of his about how devastated he was, what a mess he was in, how he'd do anything to have me back.  I held strong for 3 months then cracked.  Amazingly the night I made contact with him he was apparently in an AA meeting, albeit he'd been out drinking the night before!  Same cycle yep, but I fell for it.  Truly believed him when he said he'd decided on his own that it was time to stop before it was too late.  After two months he relapsed while I was away at a friends 40th birthday meal.  It was that evening I realised just how much he could lie to me when we'd been messaging and he said he had to go as the AA meeting he was at was about to start - he never even attended it, he was already drunk when he message'd me saying he was fine and was at the meeting! The next day he admitted to relapsing when he realised I wasn't buying into his lies.  That evening he gave me his sponsors phone number (I didn't ask for it, I've always kept out of it) saying that if he ever relapsed again to let his sponsor know, that's how serious he was about staying sober.  Over the next two months life with him became pretty unbearable.  He would over react to anything I said, storming off home at the drop of a hat and refuse to see me that day as he was so angry, he would cut across me when I was speaking telling me that what I was saying was 'stupid anyway' when I protested and asked him to show me some respect.  We went away one weekend and I couldn't wait to get away from him.  I think we spent most meals in silence with him smoldering away angry over yet something else I'd said or done.  I have two holidays booked later this year, one with him, the other without (which I know he doesn't agree with but it's for my cousins wedding so I'm going and that's that!)  While we were away he asked which of the holidays I was most looking forward to.  I knew his game and told him so.  He was just looking for more ammunition to use against me next time he decided to pick a fight.  So after a month of him behaving like this low and behold, 2 months on the nose he's downing whiskey again!  This time I blew the whistle on him and contacted his sponsor just like I'd said I would when he gave me his number.  He's oh so apologetic again, starting his steps all over again, taking it all seriously... again.  Realises he's an alcoholic... again.  Although he disagrees his behaviour is abusive, prefers to call it 'tetchy and argumentative'.  Abusive to him is being a wife beater.  In fact when I've told him straight before that I won't tolerate the way he speaks to me he has actually turned round and said 'anyone would think I was hitting you'.  But now he's back to the oh so sorry for himself, so sorry for doing it, how he's let everyone down, how much trust he has to rebuild.  He's even asked if too much damage has been done to the relationship to recover it.  At this point in time I'm taking stock and spending time alone.  I'm not in the mood to see him, speak to him or buy into what he says and I'm angry at myself for going back and thinking things might actually be different this time.  I'm not even co-dependent, I'm so far down the independent spectrum it's been regular complaint in previous relationships. 

I guess he can't be all bad or I wouldn't keep going back and personality-wise, when he's not being a tetchy argumentative &rse his personality is great.  I do have far too much empathy for my own good, half the time I think it's because I hate thinking of him in pain that I go back.  Plus he plays on it!  I've ended relationships with perfectly healthy individuals, said how sorry I am, and that's that and most likely because I know they will cope!

I know I need to sort out my own issue of keep going back.  I suppose in my head I hope that he will get and stay sober and because I've been brought up to say what I mean and ask for what I want, i.e. be direct, when he says he wants to stay sober and he will crack it this time I go ahead and believe him.  He's been trying to get sober for the last 3 years, surely if he really wanted it like he says he does he would have cracked it by now?!  I used to smoke (albeit socially).  I decided to quit in February and that was that, not so much as a cheeky puff since.  Isn't that what you do when you seriously want to stop something?  I know full well if I had one cigarette I'd be back to thinking how the odd one won't hurt so I refuse to do it.  Surely that's how you stop anything?

So I guess what I'm trying to understand is this.  Is he really serious about getting sober or does he just use that as a way of keeping (controlling!) me.  Is he just going through the motions knowing full well that he will pick up again at some point and quench his thirst so to speak (he has admitted that's what he was doing last year). And as for his behaviour - is that separate to his alcoholism or is that just how alcoholics behave? And is there ever a happy ending? My Mum's husband hasn't had a drink for 13 years (I don't know whether or not he's an alcoholic, he says it was becoming a problem so he stopped).  He's like me with my smoking, 13 years on he refuses to touch a drop, even when my mum died.  I have friends with alcoholic fathers who haven't touched a drop for 30 years.  I realise when an alcoholic is in denial it's impossible to convince them they have a problem but surely one who sits in 3 meetings a week, does the steps, has a sponsor and readily admits he's an alcoholic should know not to pick up that first drink?!



-- Edited by Debilyn on Friday 1st of August 2014 02:12:58 PM

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Debilyn


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Welcome!

Book,"Getting Them Sober." By Toby Rice Drew, volume one. This will help you so very much and answer all your questions. Easily found on Amazon.

It's very hard to be so new to the world of loving an addict. It's not cut and dried, or easy to understand.

He has a disease that is incurable. He cannot just stop using because he wants to. An A's disease is of body and mind, until his total self is at a certain place, after experience etc. he cannot just stop. He has to be so sick of it, he wants nothing else but to go into recovery. Just not drinking is not the answer. Using a drug is just a symptom of being an addict. They are born with the markers in their dna to be an addict. Lying, manipulating, thinking of self first, using a drug, or other things to stimulate a part of their brain, believing their lies, denial and more. An A and a NON A are two completely different way of thinking human.

Of course we can love them. They have a disease, they are not monsters. Yet when they are very controlled by the disease they can be monster like.

We have to stop looking at them. Then look at ourselves. Go to Face to face meetings, come here, we have a chat room, meetings here. Read literature, research online. I was in premed and took many ,many classes on addiction, the affects of, anatomy, how alcohol destroys cells, brain damage etc. ]

Please keep coming, share, vent, ask us anything! We are a family here who really care. Your A is very sick, his disease will also make you sick by how he treats you. You will begin to question yourself.

For many of us, MIP is our lifeline, I have seen so many changes in lives here in the many years I have called this home. Miracles happen here all the time.

Hope to see you here a lot. hugs



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grateful2be


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Hi, Welcome to MIP. For starters, you are doing a good job of checking in with yourself to see how you are truly thinking and feeling about being in a relationship to a person with this disease. Some things I've learned about people who drink or smoke and people who are alcoholics or chemically dependent on cigarettes. I don't have the allergy to alcohol, so although I can drink and get drunk and drink and get drunk, I will stop and can do that with no help - just the decision that I've had enough of that bad habit and move on. Same with cigarette smoking for some. If I'm a person who is chemically dependent on alcohol or chemicals in cigarettes, my brain is hard-wired for those drugs. I can't stop using either without help.
AA is the help suggested for alcoholics. Al-Anon is the help suggested for those who love them. No matter how independent we are or strong, this disease is a destroyer that requires outside intervention in the form of program tools that help us counterbalance the effects of alcoholism on us and we are affected. The fact that you return to him over and over again tells me that you are dependent on him in some way - just as he is dependent on alcohol. You are not alone. Many of us have had the same experiences that you are having. Please check out Al-Anon meetings in your area and come back here, too. Glad you're here.

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KennyFenderjazz


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Hi Flossy, welcome to MIP. You are experiencing the damage an alcoholic can do to his/her family. This is a disease that affects much more than just the individual with the disease.

You have a number of things spot on already. There are people in recovery for long periods of time. The statistics are against it, but for any individual statistics really mean nothing.

An alcoholic will not get better unless they desire to, and even then it is very tough. My AW went to inpatient treatment, was pretty fine for a few months, then relapsed. The only thing that save her was being thrown in jail for 10 days from her second DUI. She decided she had had enough, and would lose her family and especially our son, if she kept it up. When she was transferred from jail to rehab, she told them that she would do whatever they tol her to do, and she did. She has been sober for 8 months now, and much of that has been the best our marriage has been.

But she wanted it, and decided she didn't want to lose what she had, and had gained enough clarity after detox to be able to make those decisions and calls. She has a great sponsor.

And I have found Al Anon. AW was self-medicating before she became an alcoholic, and we both had our part in that. Al Anon has taught me new ways to think about myself and others. And it taught me that I didn't cause the alcoholism, can't control it, and won't cure it. Just that understanding alone got me very far on the road to my recovery.

Keep coming back!

Kenny

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hotrod


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Yes, there are many happy endings in AA and Alanon Living with the disease of alcoholism does affect everyone it touches so that we cannot remain the same and expect to be happy. Without the Spiritual growth provided by the alanon program and living the principals I could not be happy period. I urge you to find face to face meetings and attend .You are worth it

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Flossy


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Hi All, thank you for your replies - it felt such a relief to finally correspond with people who understand what it is like.  My friends are mostly sick to death of hearing about it now and totally don't get it.  How could they?! To them they think how I used to - if it's a problem just don't do it! Now I realise how different the reality of that is. I think they also wonder why the hell I put up with it and they're right to wonder that.  A friend rightly pointed out to me recently how he might be getting to 3 months sober, which is his longest yet, but it's the same pattern of picking fights and drinking, he's just managing longer periods inbetween picking up.

Since his last relapse he's been going to meetings every night, so at least seems to be taking that seriously.  Tbh, it's not even so much the drinking that's bothering me.  I totally don't agree with an alcoholic knowing he's one and still deciding to drink, but I'm pragmatic, he's had two binges in the last 5 months and there are people out there who do that every weekend and have a very real problem but refuse to even acknowledge it let alone stop.  It's more the erratic behaviour that is really bothering me.  How he can be so rude, sometimes a downright bully and looking for things to fight about.  If I pull him up on it I'm too sensitive or can't take a joke.  He says he doesn't have a problem with me seeing my friends yet he will always ask to see me when I get home (we don't live together) and when I say no he will tell me that it's weird and ask why I don't want to see him afterwards.  I know it's because he knows if I see him afterwards I won't drink because I won't smell of alcohol around him at all, so he's effectively ensuring I don't drink because he can't. It's not a new thing, it's been going on since we first met despite the fact he would blow me out every 2 weeks to get wasted! He'll often phone me and accuse me of sounding drunk when I haven't touched a drop.  Is this related to alcoholic behaviour or am I also dealing with something else here? If it is purely alcoholic behaviour, is it something that will change as he sobers up (IF he sobers up!)?  I'm concerned that it's not just alcoholism that I'm dealing with here and that he's verbally abusive/controlling or is it just that the two go hand in hand?  I have tackled him over this.  His response is that he's always thought of himself as a nice person and if I tell him otherwise it would shatter him.  However he has agreed that he has issues he needs to address.

I am starting to learn how to maintain my boundaries though.  In the past I would stand my ground mentally and verbally that there was nothing 'weird' whatsoever about wanting to spend time with my friends and just go home and go to bed and not see him every night, that it's a healthy attitude, but I never maintained that boundary.  Instead of dealing with the aggravation I would agree to see him when I got home.  Last night I met a friend and despite being called 'weird' for not wanting to see him afterwards followed by being accused of not wanting to see him so I could smash in a bottle of wine I stood my ground and followed through and did not see him when I got home.  I message'd him and he was a little cool with me, which I just ignored.  Tonight he called and couldn't be nicer.  He did ask if I smoked but didn't touch on whether or not I had a drink.



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grateful2be


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I've never been accused of drinking by the As in my family or my x. I've been accused of being controlling (which is true, I have been that), having affairs (which isn't true), and other things but certainly not a drinker. I've taken heat because I'm not a drinker more often than not.

Regardless, I have learned to live my own life regardless of what the drinkers say or do. Once I got over being mad because they seemed to do whatever they wanted no matter how it affected me, I "got even" by doing things that I enjoyed that hurt no one and helped to raise my own self esteem. If somebody accused me of drinking now, I'd laugh because I'd know they are projecting their own behavior and it is none of my business. My business is to continue to work the program, pick myself up when I slip and try to control again, get out of their way, give them to God, and get on with living my own life according to Al-Anon principles to the best of my ability.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 6th of August 2014 04:49:27 PM

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Flossy


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Thanks grateful2be. Yes you're right, it is him projecting onto me. If I meet a friend for a pizza for instance he will quiz me as to whether or not I will have wine with the meal. He's done this all along even when he was actively drinking not just trying to stay sober. Yet at other times he will say he's ok with me having wine when I'm out to dinner just wouldn't cope with me getting drunk. So why quiz me if I'm going to have a glass of wine with dinner then. I have never ever had a drink in front of him or if I know I am going to see him because I don't think that is fair. I have always stood my ground and told him it's not on except I've also always agreed to see him afterwards to prove I haven't had a drink. I won't be doing that any more, I have nothing to prove. He's admitted it's because he's jealous that I can have a drink with dinner. When it comes to doing my own thing I've always done that. I regularly ride and go to yoga, both of which I love. In one of his recent fight picking sessions he brought up how all I'm interested in is riding my horse and going to yoga and how that comes before everything else. So I agree, it's important to maintain your own interests and separate life, which totally suits my personality anyway, but doing that gets attacked as well. It's like he won't be happy unless I commit my entire life to him and have no outside interests. He's previously told me it's not right in a relationship to do your own thing. I think the opposite, it's healthy! I guess I need to persevere and just ignore his complaints. He can either deal with it or move on?!

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deacon


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I don't know Flossy. To me behind one door looks like choosing to live an independent life, making your own choices, interacting with people you like and having peace. Behind the other door is a life of being controlled, blamed, condemned ,manipulated, alienated from friends and family and slowly losing your self worth. And having constant drama and uncertainty rather than serenity. Does not seem like such a hard choice to me.

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maryjane


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but it's the same pattern of picking fights and drinking,....................................
I guess I need to persevere and just ignore his complaints. He can either deal with it or move on?!
--------------------------------------------------
Hi,
These are just 2 sentences of yours that got my attention. Your friends are right. He will continue to have this pattern of picking fights if he is drinking or not. This is his personality. This is the person you are with. I just spent a weekend vacation with my "sober" hubby who could not be satisfied in any way. He couldn't be happy. I know it is his issue and not mine, but it is so hard to ignore and it makes me so tired. Arguing and complaining is not my idea of a happy life, but I was stuck at a beautiful place with a crabby person.....

So, if you want to ignore and persevere that is your choice. It won't get better. He won't deal with it because it is who he is. He also won't move on because he has you to be his sounding board.

Look into yourself and find out why you are willing to live this way. That is what AlAnon is all about. Find the "Getting them sober" series (in print and digital books) and get all the AlAnon books you can find. They are all about looking into yourself and knowing who you are.

Take care of yourself.

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maryjane
grateful2be


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If you gave up everything and sat home dressed in the clothes he picked, weighing the weight he expects, cooking the suppers he said he wanted, wearing the perfume he insists on and devoting your entire focus and energy on him, him, him - he would tell you that you are doing it wrong. I lived with a nitpicker. I also developed a chronic physical condition and self doubt because I lived with a chronic nitpicker. Couldn't do it again. It's like living with a monkey on your back that is constantly biting you.

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Flossy


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Grateful2be, you're completely right.  A couple of nights ago a friend emailed me an old childhood pic of me that she'd found.  I uploaded it onto Facebook as I have family around the world so we use it to share these things (my account is totally locked down and only accessible by close friends and family).  So ABF calls and I say to him to take a look at the photo, which he does, makes a comment about it and I replied to that comment.  Didn't think anything more of it.  Then last night I'm in from work and cooking my dinner when he phones and asks why I liked everyone else's comments about that photo accept for his.  I was completely baffled, asked him what on earth he was talking about.  He went on to say how I'd set him up, I'd asked him to look at the photo and then intentionally liked everyone's comment on there except his to get at him.  I said I'd replied to his comment and couldn't believe what I was hearing, it was his perception and I'd done no such thing as setting him up then deliberately not liking his comments, said I don't think that way, it was all perfectly innocent and I was no longer going to entertain the conversation.  He told me Facebook was pathetic, so I said don't be on there then.  Then he had a go how it was ok to like a friends comment on there about going out drinking and how she was more of an alcoholic than he is.  I had no idea what he was talking about, I'd intentionally not liked any drinking statuses on there for that very reason! Double-checked today and I absolutely hadn't so he was totally making that part up.  He then told me I'm controlling and hung up.  Shortly afterwards he message'd me saying how things didn't sit right with him, I'd been accusing him of being a bully and he wants a partner who sees the good in him not constantly saying he's at fault.  Several hours later when I was refusing to get sucked in and said I'd had enough he's then messaging saying how it's all gone too far, lets talk tomorrow (today).  This is exactly why I left him last year and here he is doing it again! It's insane!  I know I've reached the point where I now walk away - I have to walk away.  I got in from work on Monday night and broke down in tears without any warning.  Nothing had happened other than I'd got home from work! I've been slacking at work this week because I can't concentrate and I'm permanently exhausted.  But I know I now have to face the barrage of messages I will receive when I walk away about what a mess he is in, how much he loves me, how could I leave someone I love over nothing.  I had two months of that last time I left him.  I feel like totally shutting down right now and becoming a hermit when my personality is actually completely the opposite!



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Flossy


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Thank you Deacon, yes you are very right.  If I stay in this relationship I will lose the freedom to live my life how I want, I will lose myself and what's right for me.  I just need to stay strong and make sure I firmly close that dark door!



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Flossy


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maryjane wrote:

but it's the same pattern of picking fights and drinking,....................................
I guess I need to persevere and just ignore his complaints. He can either deal with it or move on?!
--------------------------------------------------
Hi,
These are just 2 sentences of yours that got my attention. Your friends are right. He will continue to have this pattern of picking fights if he is drinking or not. This is his personality. This is the person you are with. I just spent a weekend vacation with my "sober" hubby who could not be satisfied in any way. He couldn't be happy. I know it is his issue and not mine, but it is so hard to ignore and it makes me so tired. Arguing and complaining is not my idea of a happy life, but I was stuck at a beautiful place with a crabby person.....

So, if you want to ignore and persevere that is your choice. It won't get better. He won't deal with it because it is who he is. He also won't move on because he has you to be his sounding board.

Look into yourself and find out why you are willing to live this way. That is what AlAnon is all about. Find the "Getting them sober" series (in print and digital books) and get all the AlAnon books you can find. They are all about looking into yourself and knowing who you are.

Take care of yourself.

maryjane you have no idea how your words hit me when I read your response.  You're right, last year I thought his behaviour was because he was actively drinking.  This time round it's continued despite the fact he's not drinking.  What struck me most was when you said about the weekend away with your sober hubby and how he could not be happy and how tired it made you.  We had a weekend in France last month where he did nothing but get at me from the moment I picked him up to head to France to the moment we were on the ferry coming home.  I was drained and couldn't wait to get home and away from him.  I had a long chat last night with someone who knows him.  They told me outright he's using me as an emotional punchbag and that I need to get away from him.  I asked if they thought that he knows he's doing it.  They said he does.  When I said I didn't understand why he would knowingly do it they asked if these conversations sounded normal to me and obviously I said no.  They said he does it because he is sick and I need to get out before he makes me sick.  I wish to God I'd walked away at the first sign of erratic behaviour.  God knows, it didn't take long.  Why on earth did I think it might improve?!



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Mirandac


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Because you loved him. I go thru the same thing and my ah has been dry for 30 years.
He has become very emotionally abusive toward me, because he can't or wont deal
With his own stuff, since going to aa 3 years ago the abuse has really increased.
That is what i felt like an "emotional punching bag". He now wants a divorce and has#2
Girlfriend. He likes needy women in aa, he loves to listen and advise them. All the time
In the world. Except for his wife who is out working. He goes to 3-4 aa mtgs a week,
Plays golf and works. I got 5 minutes of his attention a day because he emotionally
Had Checked out of the marriage and was not interested on working on it. Even with
Me in alanon and him in aa. I was the only one working on the relationship he was out
chasing women and playing hero.





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grateful2be


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What you describe is what an abuser does. They hit you and then show up with an apology and maybe some roses in their hand for you. The roses are a hook to keep you in the game - the game of him using you to feel bigger about himself and more powerful. The abuser needs to feel powerful, so they hook us at what they know is our vulnerable places, and then they abuse us again. The abuser is not going to change not unless they truly want to do that. Even when we move on, they find another person to continue their sickness out with and on. We don't have to be hit or threatened to be hit to be in an abusive relationship. He appears to be striking at your mental and emotional health and the hits just keep on coming. My primary abuser from my early years never stopped hitting at me - even continued it from beyond the grave. I learned that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it and couldn't cure it no matter what I did. It was devastating to me at first to come out of denial and then I could recognize what a very sick person my primary abuser was and although I'd never want to be in relationship to them again, I know they were doing the best they knew how to do given the reality of being an adult child of an alcoholic without treatment. My abuser didn't drink, do drugs or party. They were still deeply disturbed and until I could step out of thinking any of what they did had anything at all to do with me, I couldn't free myself.
My x was really just the person I was trying to work out the primary abuser's stuff with until I realized I couldn't work it out. I just had to leave it behind.

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Aloha Flossy and welcome to the board from here.  If you take the time or care to and scroll back in time over the shares of others who have come before you there will be many many similarities with the shared experiences.  There will be differences and then it is the similarities which let us know that those who are here know and have solutions to the problem which is in and around the disease of alcoholism...a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body.  Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical and often I find out that is part of the disbelief I had when wondering how and why my alcoholic/addict wife couldn't remain "normal" while she was drinking.  Simply she was altering...everything on all levels and I was expecting normal.  I had to learn what picture I was looking at...normal/normal or normal/alcoholic/addict.  I was confused about that until I started learning everything I could about the diseases of alcoholism and substance addiction (same thing).  I had to learn also about normal and abnormal me. I wasn't normal when trying to live with or even associate and put up with the alcoholic/addict I was married to thinking she was "wife".  She actually was two personalities.  What was wrong with me?  I was altering...thinking one way and doing the other.  Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results which I learned in Al-Anon was the definition of insanity.

You ask a lot of "why" questions.  Here is the chance to get the answers to those whys and the solutions/answers come from listening very open mindedly to the similar stories of others who have done what you are doing and then what they did to change it.  Cause if it changed for them it will change for you when you do what they have.  Sounds smart...this was the smartest I ever got.  I was insane when I reached the doors of Al-Anon.  Only one instant of sanity of millions since was that I was born an raised into the disease...how else would I have expected it to come about...just for me and then I didn't know then and didn't know that I didn't know.  Now I know and I am happy and have thousands of recovering alcoholics in my life not married to any of them...

You know why he does the things he does now...thinks the way he thinks, feels the way he feels and says what he says and how he does all this that way.  He is alcoholic. He has a life threatening disease which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence.  It is progressive...only gets worse, if he stops for a while and then returns to drinking most often it will be worse than before.  This is a fatal disease...if it isn't stopped it will kill its victims...drinkers and not.  The alcoholic has but three choices...sobriety, insanity and/or death...that's about the alcoholic.

We are powerless over alcoholism and our lives have become unmanageable...does that statement make sense for you in your condition.  Why question....Why am I so compulsed to coming back to it...even after making up my mind that I am done with it?    Of course that was my question...you have to do your own.  

The compulsion of the mind.  I hate this and I'm still going to do it.   And yet you say you are not that way...more self determined.  I use to like thinking that about myself however I learned it wasn't about what I was thinking ...it was about what I was doing while I was thinking. 

The question "Are there any happy partners of recovering alcoholics?  What are you planning to do in spite of any answer you get to the question.  If all say NO!! but one says "yes I know of..."  what will Flossy do in spite of how she wants her life to be?  That is an addiction question for an enabler.   I learned that my alcoholic/addict wasn't to blame for the decision I made to marry her...when I did not want to marry her.  ???   My compulsion; my addiction.   I needed to know the answer to the question why I did what I did and why I did it the way I did it.   Knowing why she did what she did and did it the way she did it was simple...alcohol and drug addiction. 

If you want great understanding of this disease and what it does and how it does it I would suggest a college text, "Under the Influence" still in paper back and still the most widely accepted text on a disease that is thousands of years old and still the most formidable destroyer and killer on the face of the planet.  It is doing you in and you have come here looking for help so you can stop it from doing you in.  Our program is named a "Simple solution for complicated people".  This for me was and is the answer to my question why and the simplest way to learning to change and not feel confused, guilt, shame and wrong.   I second the suggestion for Al-Anon and other helpful literature cause you're so worth saving.   He knows where to get help...there is no law that says he has to drink and act that way.  He just cannot not drink.

Keep coming back.   (((((hugs))))) smile 

 



-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 8th of August 2014 06:57:32 PM



-- Edited by Jerry F on Friday 8th of August 2014 06:59:40 PM

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Breakingfree


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Welcome and I am glad you found us Flossy! Your story reminds me of the cycles and misery I lived with for 15 years while with my exAH. Al-anon face to face meetings, my sponsor and books like "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews mentioned above helped me to better understand the situation and myself so I could break my pattern and not repeat it. I am sending you lots of love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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pinkchip


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Speaking as a recovering alcoholic, every time I tried to change or get sober while pleading another person to stick by me while playing the type of games you are describing, it was a failure. The reason: My sobriety was based on neediness and codependency. Your partner does not sound like he's truly been "in recovery" since you met him. He's been doing half measures, manipulating, squeezing the enabling out of you and avoiding real recovery. So...yes people do find happy relationships with folks in recovery but usually it is AFTER they have obtained some measure of independent sobriety that is not contingent upon you. If he cannot recover for himself alone...He won't stay sober...period. Staying with him isn't helping him stay sober. Don't stay for that reason as he needs to function like a grown up on his own to stay sober and also to be capable of a mature relationship.

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Flossy


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Pinkchip thank you for your response. It's actually very therapeutic to hear things from the side of a recovering alcoholic and when I read what you'd put I think my jaw actually dropped open I was so stunned. Every single word you have written smacks of what has been going on. No, he hasn't been truly in recovery since I met him. He was actively drinking when we first met and when he told me he was an alcoholic I refused to be around him and alcohol at the same time from that point forwards because I just couldn't condone it. I also didn't like the way he behaved when he'd had a drink so it wasn't a difficult decision to make! And yes, definitely half measures. He'd walk out on me on a Saturday night when I'd cooked us dinner saying he had to drink. I'd leave him then he'd swear he was serious about quitting, put himself back in AA and I'd take him back. I met him from a meeting one evening, a meeting he'd voluntarily gone to. I saw for myself how he really wasn't into it. When the meeting ended he practically ran out of the place, so much so he didn't even notice I was outside the place even though he was expecting me! Every time I went back to him he'd pick up again a matter of weeks later. Now I can't say I could ever even come close to understanding how difficult it is to stop drinking, but as someone who stopped smoking after witnessing it take my own mothers life I do know that after 30 years of being a 'social' smoker, once I actually chose to no longer do it I had a few cravings for a week and that was it, I've never looked back. I know last year he was playing a game and I left him as a result. But when I went back after 3 months apart I foolishly thought things would be different. They are, only the pattern is the same with longer periods in between binges!

I'm still holding out and not seeing him, although I do speak to him. He's been going to daily meetings and has arranged counselling. Whether or not this is just another ploy to get me back I don't know, but I suspect if I hold out long enough and don't see him time will tell how serious he is about quitting, except this time I won't be in his presence to deal with the fights he picks when he starts relapsing!

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