The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I am coming up one month away from my home and my feelings are very up and down, I am able to pop home here and there for anything I need and my husband and I are communicating as best we can, I am finding though that his thinking is all over the place and it feels like he is trying to manipulate me still, by telling me where he is going and what he is doing, it does hurt because he is doing all the things I wanted him to do with me but then there is nothing that he is doing that I can't do by myself anyway, my daughter is coming home this weekend hopefully to see the baby, I have not made any sweeping statements about what I am doing I haven't said I have left your dad and am never going back, in fact I have said very little really but she knows I am staying with a friend, over the years I have threatened to leave more times than I can remember and often when I have insisted my husband leave the family I have caved in and begged him to come home so I feel very ashamed that I behaved like that because my children were in midst of all the chaos, so I am just taking one day at a time, last night I spoke with my husband who told me our daughter was coming home tomorrow, now he says he doesn't know whats happening he said, you know more than me, well I don't but this is usually what happens over anything, a straight forward event can be turned upside down, I know that last time she came home hubby was collecting her from the train station, he had the arrival time and came home without her, she phoned me five minutes later to say did I just see dad drive out of the train station? I said yes, hes home now, I said to him why didn't you just wait? he said well I don't know what she's doing! sigh and He was the one that insisted on collecting her, but anyway I went and fetched her, so I am interested to see how this weekend pans out, it's the first time I haven't been home with the family ever, and I am working in the morning, so I am in two minds about this wondering how everyone will feel and act, my daughter is quite welcome to stay with me but we will see.
On the upside I am having calm days with no drama, where by a day comes and goes and I am not having to rewind and pick the bare bones to find out what or where I went wrong, I do think though that at some point I may need or want to go back home, just to see and feel the difference, I get pangs of home sickness, missing my own routines and habits but it may subside I don't know yet, and of course there is always a possibility that my husband may decide he doesn't want me back and start making it awkward for me to go back, these are my thoughts anyway.
I also want to say having read so many similarities to my own problems my husband is a dry drunk and even when he stopped drinking although that was a god send the stinking thinking remained and I have got progressively worse dealing with this, my husband has pulled so many stunts to try and control me, he stopped giving me money so I got a job, he only allowed me to drive the family car and motorbike when he said, so I bought my own, I isolated and got depressed, I have fought him tooth and nail over the years and although I have despised him for the cruelty towards me it has all lead up to me being a stronger person, and given me choices, it's not easy jeez it's horrendosly sad but it's doable, it's my life too and I want to make it better!
I can relate katy, my ex pulled that stunt, saying and doing things that he knew I wanted to hear or see, its manipulation and is not about the real change and awareness that you want to see. This is about him being cunning, knowing what you want to see and hear and so putting on that show just for you. Its a bout control and getting what he wants by any means. Dont be fooled by that trick.Your family drama sound much like mine, simple things get twisted so they are complicated and they always ended up being my fault or my responsibility to sort out. Its the family disease and its not good for anyone especialky you.
ive taken a back seat in the family arrangements and get togethers, I dont go into control freak mode trying to make it all a success, well not as much. Its useless, putting on any fronts or pretence, my family is dysfunctional, has been affected by alcoholism, it is what it is. The pangs of homesickness may be withdrawal symptoms, we do get addicted to the chaos and drama and the chemicals that course through us during those times. It took me a while to feel comfortable in the peace. It will feel strange living in someone elses home, its difficult to get into new habits and routines when its a temporary situation. If you plan to remain seperated I suggest getting your own place, that is a totally different feeling, much better in my own experience. Renting a place for even 6 months, will give you a taste of being on your own, then you may never go back, or maybe you will.
while your husband is not in recovery he cant really change despite what hes trying to show you, the old behaviours and the reasons you left are right there, maybe hidden in this moment but change is a process that he hasnt signed up for yet.x
My x did the same thing, Katy. Everything I wanted when we were married, he did when we were divorced. Threw me into a tizzy for awhile. Made me question my choice in separating and then divorcing him. But, he was the same person. If I'd forget what it was truly like for me to live with him, he'd do something that reminded me. My self-esteem was so low when we divorced that I'd pile cans in front of both outer doors at night. Friends of mine nailed windows shut so I could get air and not worry about somebody breaking in. I'd sleep with a hammer under my pillow. The more I did what I needed to do for me and the kids, the more my self-esteem and self-confidence grew. I stopped missing him, my old life and definitely the chaos of living with someone - me - who had lost so much of myself in the marriage. I stopped piling cans. I took the nails out of the windows. I put the hammer into a drawer in the kitchen.
I do hope you get to spend lots of time with your daughter and grandbaby. If not, the program principles will help you here, too. Lots of hugs, Katy. I loved the strength you showed each time your h tried to control your comings and goings. You are one strong woman with an independent spirit. Wow!
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 1st of August 2014 07:09:41 AM
