The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Someone from church found out from my kids that AH has moved out. Proceeded to ask my family why and guessed it was drinking because they saw him drunk twice at my place. My family member actually answered "yes"! The friend proceeded to say "you mean she cannot accept someone who drinks?" Also suggested that a male friend should talk to AH about it. I was so mad with my family member that it drove me to tears. This friend does not even think drinking is any problem!! How would the male friend help? The last time a kind person spoke to AH, AH's take away was "see, you are just plain unreasonable to tell me not to drink. Even he said that!" I had to endure so many days of verbal abuses because of it. Although I think that even without it, he will find other things to abuse me but I really do not need another judgemental/pity attitude towards me. I learn to hold my tongue nowadays because we cannot really understand any family problem unless we have been through it. I had to begged the person to stop this.
Sunshine, when I told my husband to move out, he stayed in one of our rental homes that was empty. It got rented during this period, leaving him with nowhere to go. He asked my parents if he could move in with them, my mom said no. My brother then called him and offered him to come live with them. I was hurt, felt betrayed and was just darn right MAD. I had quite a pity, righteous party in my head. The hurt and betrayal was real but I took it much further than I needed to. In time I came to understand my brothers response. He lives in a household of addicts that he refuses to acknowledge and is a huge rescuer/enabler/hero. He believes I believe everyone is an addict (actually, there is some truth to everyone being an addict in some form...if we look hard enough we can identify addictions in ourselves including addictions to busyness, perfectionism, attention, etc) Anyway, I am getting off topic, when I could finally get to see this from an impersonal place, my anger subsided. Keep reaching for the impersonal place in all of this so you can get some peace around this...not easy, though.
And to your question...maybe you will and maybe you won't accept drinking. Don't dwell here, just keep working your program and see what happens, one day at a time
-- Edited by PP on Saturday 19th of July 2014 10:07:39 AM
I attempt to work it as PP does...QTIP...Quit taking it personal. The different outcomes between taking it personal and not are night and day on my mind, body, spirit and emotions. I can stay calm or calm out faster with this tool. The whole world isn't on the same Al-Anon page that I am and at times I'm not there either. I often go to gratitude that there are kind, caring people out there even as they lack awareness which comes over time. Some of the stuff I've been faced with by "caring" friends and family can also turn humorous. The answer to the question Why could be in taking them to an open AA meeting or Al-Anon meeting....hmmmm wait maybe not...forget that suggestion. They could do the same thing there. You're okay. ((((hugs))))
Thanks PP and Jerry. I know I should just chill but sometimes it is so hard. Maybe it is the 2-3 months honey moon As feel when they quit. I am also past my honeymoon quitting my AH.
Sis when we remember that we work this program only for our peace of mind and serenity and that is in line with HP's will it becomes the most important work we can do. It works when you work it. (((hugs)))
Remembering that I once hear a response to that statement of "That's so selfish"!! and I replied you're so right.
I'm a very reserved person - sometimes too reserved. I like it when I am able to deal with something that is my business. I don't like it when others try to deal with something that I think is my business - whether or not I choose to live with an A. All I know is that people often like to meddle in things that truly aren't their business and I'm not going to change it. What I can do is respect that I am a reserved person, I don't like it when people meddle, and therefore, I need to be sure I don't have my nose stuck in other people's business. Chilling comes in time and it is okay to feel upset and betrayed when others are minding your business. That gives me an experiential understanding of what NOT to do in relationship to others to include insisting they stop drinking or stop meddling or stop being gossips. I slip and do those things at times but I'm getting better at choosing other ways to think, feel and behave with my HP's help. There was a time when I'd jump on the bandwagon of systems that purported me taking this pill or following this diet or reading this book or getting this medical test. Al-Anon helped me see just how much meddling goes on just in TV advertising and talk shows. Life has revealed to me that nobody is an expert on anything really. We just see the same candle of truth from our own perspective and people will see it the way they see it with actions to follow their perspective. QTIP is a wonderful suggestion to apply to myself as it is to apply to others' way of being and doing.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 19th of July 2014 11:14:37 AM
It is hard, which is another truth I had to accept (over and over again, I might add). There is "hard" and there is what I do with "hard"...which is sometimes a judgment on my part. When I see my situations as "hard" I think of children in other countries forced to kill people for their survival...gives me another perspective. I don't use these examples to deny or minimize my feelings, ever. These feelings are real and I don't want to create another cesspool of stuffed feelings within me, so I let them be, sit with them, ponder them, get curious about them, yet, do my best not to let them permeate all of my experiences. You are doing great, keep walking alongside your HP and step stronger with each day.
Sunshine. This is a tough one. I had problems with church people as well. Many Christians, and all people, do not understand alcoholism. The leaders would not help until he asked for help and beleived him when he said, "I have lost all hope. She hates me and is so mean to me and that drives me to drink." I was told, "He needs to see that you have faith and hope in him." Let me make this very clear. I have faith and hope in God, not man. Then there are the woman who say, "Just love him and serve him and don't be fake about it. He will come around."
I just shake my head. Many have smelled the booze on him at church and church functions. He now doesn't go to church as he says, "you poisoned that well." LOL! All I can do is laugh.
But, besides all that this is gossip. They had no biz talking to your kids about their parents issues. That is going past boundaries in my opinion. Now, I just go to church and leave and don't get caught up in conversations. It is hard, but I don't want to argue w/ fellow church members. I know they don't understand & I can't make them understand. What used to hurt, is because they don't understand they don't check on ME and my son to see if we are okay. My AH is Mr. Friendly out in public, so they don't see the monster we live with. The few I have told honestly don't believe me. There is nothing I can do about that. My few friends who really know, know. And they support us.
It is really hard when we are suffering consequences for their actions but that is the beast in this disease. One person w/ a disease and many people get hurt. That is why they call it a family disease. And it goes to employers, friends and anyone who wants to attach to the A.
It is good to vent; then get back to working the program. That seems to work for me. You are safe to vent here w/o fear of judgement. Isn't it great? :)
