Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: dont even know


Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:
dont even know


struggling with my emotions.....my partner is 2 yrs sober and for that I am grateful. she has been working her program and for that I am grateful. we have been best friends for a little over 20 yrs with r ups and downs, but have been dating for about 3 yrs. when we first became friends I knew right away we were soul mates. I felt tho that I always sort of came last, she never noticed the real me, she was selfish and sometimes mean. we went r separate ways and after time we found each other again in a different way. I was going through a divorce and she had admitted she was an alcoholic. we somehow managed to pull each other out of a downward spiral and several yrs later.... here we are.  we both have very strong personalities. I am jealous by nature and her not so much. I am going through some major health problems and she is well....working her program.  heres my issue......I feel as though we never really got the chance to have a natural courting period, when wee were friends she wasn't exactly the kind of person I could count on. her and her feelings came first always. now im needing her more than ever and I feel like she's slipping away. between work, her meetings, working out twice a day, meeting with her sponsor and now starting her service work, I feel we don't get a lot of time together.....she disagrees. I feel like she could never make the time for me when I needed her and its like pulling teeth to get her to understand where im coming from. I do all my running around and errands during the day while Im working (my job allows for it) so im free to spend some time with her in the evenings, but I barely see her and when I say something......we fight big time. its always me and my fault, I need to get a life, I need to stop being jealous, I need to deal with it because its part of her recovery. well that's the thing.......I feel its always about her and her feelings it as been for 20 yrs. im sick and I need her and what I need is to be the priority for once. she says she shows me in many other ways that I am, but a lot of the time I just don't feel it and we don't see eye to eye on the matter. shes the type of person who needs to keep busy and that's great but I feel like she cant really manage whats supposed to be the most important relationship of her life now she going to help someone else try and manage theirs and be there for them. I know the program is important to her recovery an I am supportive in everyway I know how to be. she says shes changing and I need to change with her. ive tried several alanon meetings, but cant seem to find any that I feel comfortable with.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 13696
Date:

 

 

Cheeky welcome to the MIP board and Al-Anon.  When I was new like you they called me "newcomer" or "newbie"  ...the shoe fit so I got a pair.  I didn't put them on until I made a commitment, not to my alcoholic/addict wife or the church or my job and only to me.   I was done and finally came to understand that I was done.  I was crazy and knew it and didn't know how I got into it or how to get out of it.  My only thought was suicide which I had worked on attempting 2 times before.  Suicide often is one of the first things that come to mind as a solution when the problem get soooo big, powerful and hurtful that we wish it to end as soon as possible.  My HP (higher power) had another idea about "ending it" for me and got in between me and my own plan.  HP introduced me to the Al-Anon Family Groups and yes I was initially (say for about 3-6 months) uncomfortable; and then aren't most normal people uncomfortable with something strange and new?   I didn't want to die and so I sat and listened and then sat and committed to myself and listened to more and I took the suggestion to keep coming back after each meeting I went to.  That was in early 1979 and one of the first promises I heard and which was kept by he program was "If you keep and open mind....you will find help".  I kept an open mind, my side of that promise and Al-Anon kept its side.  I got help so much so that being uncomfortable never because the whole thing and only part of the whole thing at times. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
Date:

I am truly sorry you are not well. It makes it especially hard to share what I am.

A's are innately selfish. When they are sick, it is worse than everyone else illness.

The sad thing is, we learn in Al Anon that we have no control over anyone but ourselves. Your needing her does not matter. She is who she is. I know it is a hard thing to face.

So what can you change about you? Is this illness something there are support groups for? Can you set up your home so it is as efficient as possible for you since you do not have help?

I learned not to expect anything from anyone. Even when my Mother was literally dying in my arms, AH called me, he was HORRIBLE!

I have heard to live with an A it helps to think of yourself as being single. Most have no idea how to think of someone elses needs. If they are on a true recovery program, they make special efforts to learn how to be thoughtful of others.

It has to be so hard to face as you are needing help. As far as your needing more time from her, your feeling bad about it. Sadly we cannot make someone fill us up.

If anything possibly one can write down what they do need and present this to the other person. Things like, please ask me if I need some water with ice. Or would you change the sheets? or could  you pick up some chinese etc. I am saying literally say what you need. She cannot guess.

Or maybe a list what you need every day. When I first married A, we called things rules. Rule number one, kiss me goodbye before you go to work please.

Call me if you are going to be later than six. etc. It helped us so much. We made jokes about some of our needs too.

I hope your illness is something you will get better from. People like to help other people. Do you have friends and or family who would come over? Maybe you just need/want her company? Maybe make dates like watching a movie while eating some good take out?

Please keep coming. We sure do understand!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Hi Cheeeky welcome to Miracles in Progress. Living with the disease of alcoholism is extremely difficult so that in trying to force solutions, our thinking becomes distorted. . Breaking the isolation caused by living with this disease helped to give me the support and understanding that I so needed for my recovery.
Alanon face to face meetings did not feel comfortable for me at first either. It was suggested that I try 6 meetings before making a decision. I found after each meeting, although I felt uncomfortable while there, I felt better after attending. I decided to embark on my recovery by attending alanon faithfully or at least a year That was 30 years ago.
I urge you to keep searching for a meeting you find comfortable . You can attend our on line meetings held here 2xs a day as well. You are worth it.

__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:

 its funny you talk about "rules".lol. ive  tried that......being very specific about what I need. in the beginning she had no issues with it, but its almost like now that shes 2 yrs sober, SHE feels she deserves for the slate to be wiped clean like shes done what shes supposed to and somehow im just to forget everything and give her total freedom. there are a lot of things weve made progress with but some im just not ready for. and when I say progress I mean huge steps forward mostly me learning to trust her and let things go. I want to forget and forgive an d be healthy and happy with her and I see it coming shes just a few steps ahead of me and it doesn't help when everytime I try to talk to her about it after asking how to approach it....a fight occurs and she so kindly throws in my face that I need to go to alanon or I need help. on one hand I feel like who is she to tell me I need help, but on the other im trying to trust its coming from a place of love. I attended about 2 months worth of weekly meetings at the same place. the people were nice but im needing more of a discussion group as apposed to everyone reading the steps and traditions and never elaborating. im not anti alanon I just know what I can work with and time is also a factor....due to my medical situation I have to hook up to a machine for 9 hrs at night in order to be able to work the next day. it doesn't leave a lot of time for meetings, nut I tried after 2 months of literally just reading the steps and traditions out loud in a circle....I was at my limit. im hoping at least getting my thoughts out here and having feedback will help:)



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Member

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Posts: 20
Date:

Hi Cheeky!

Yep, alcoholics seem to be so selfish and I am not sure if that will ever change! Trust me, my partner is one and I also work with 1000's of them, since I work at a detox. I also agree and think that you should definitely continue to try finding a meeting you like. The more you go, the more comfortable you will feel! Being in recovery is hard work and it takes time to feel comfortable with applying the strategies we learn and opening up to a bunch of strangers. And work the 12 steps! It seems that she is putting a lot of time in to her recovery and Al-anon will help you to put a lot of time in to YOUR recovery!! Instead of worrying about how busy she is, you will be more busy in YOUR recovery. And maybe she will see that and even get a bit nervous that you're not as concerned about what she is doing all the time.

Also try writing a letter... usually I will send one my alcoholics way when its something im scared we will fight about or just don't know how to say in person. That way I can make it sound sweet and loving and won't accidentally say the wrong thing.

Hope you feel better soon. Take care of yourself and keep trying those meetings :)

__________________
Carly


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
Date:

We have on-line meetings twice a day. The information is at the top of the board. If you can work at a computer while you're hooked up to your machine, you can join the on-line meeting and hang out in the chat room afterwards, too. Beware though. Once you get comfortable in the chat room, you may not want to leave it to go to bed. You might enjoy it as much as several of us have admitted to doing so much you'll want to sacrifice sleep to hang out with the gang.

20 years is a long time for your needs to be put on hold. Al-Anon will help you start putting your needs and wants as your number 1 priority, too, and share the rest of you with others. One of the things I learned in Al-Anon was that I would put God first, others second and me third. I learned to reverse that order to my HP, me and then others. Made a world of difference to me and opened up a whole new world for me, too.

Keep coming back. We've been there. You're not alone.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

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