Maybe me. He never did but when he is angry like this it is ugly. He would never touch my daughter. I have called police twice before. They said next time someone will be arrested. But I won't hesitate if things come to worse. This is so unnecessary.

Luiza,

Just sending ((((hugs)))). No one should be scared in their own home.

He never did hurt me but his behavior is bad enough to make me alert and scared. But he can be so ugly and emotional abusive when in this mode. How can he expect me to love him and be affectionate? As if drinking isn't bad enough, he can also be so rough sometimes. I feel cheated. All this time leaving him be, respecting his choices, working my hardest to protect my daughter and he doesn't think twice about being mean to me. He has being goading me so much, if I hadn't my new tools, daughter would end up witnessing an ugly fight. Problem is: he never hesitated in behaving like this. I pledged: please wait until she sleeps and I will listen to whatever you have to say. But he said she is fine and won't be affected. Ignorant man child.

This disease is killing  you. Stress is the number one killer.

If you feel scared there is a reason for that. Just like a rabbit trying to face a fox.

No he is not sober. Their bodies are sloshed with alcohol plus they are damaged by it. So for them to be sober and body healing it takes a very long time.

We often say it is of no use to talk to them. Their brains are so affected and damaged. Of course this is damaging your daughter. The atmosphere is one of fear, abuse, no love, no serenity. It is no place for an adult to be, absolutely no place for a child of any age to be.

It's up to us as parents to keep our kids safe. This is what makes us recommend you have an out. Go to neighbors and ask if they have space for you to put some cloths, meds, money whatever you need in case you need to leave fast. Ask them if you and daughter could come there to use the phone or stay until you find a place to go that is safe.

I don't know your financial situation, but it sounds like you need to get a vehicle asap. Its all a matter of safety.

There is no use in talking, no use in listening. He is suffering from insanity. We cannot rationalize insanity. It only makes us feel worse, weak.

Plus it is setting you up to be physically hurt as well as in every other way. If he killed you, and yes it happens, what would happen to your beautiful daughter?

I invite you to call someone to get help. I mean to get you out of there.

IF you choose to stay, I would stay away from him.

To say we are concerned is putting it mildly. YOu and kiddo are not safe.... here for you!!!! debilyn

 

 

Luiza what grateful mentioned that having the threatened feeling is enough is true.  I am a former alternatives to violence men's case manager.  If the threat is in the house you can have the threat removed...that is legal and lawful.  If you have had priors I would highly suggest that you make the call.  If he is not getting help from something or someone who is "talking him down" then he is most likely listening to his own inner voice and that could be saying anything.  Anyway you are not in on what it is telling him and being left out which is scary and leaving you voiceless and defenseless.  If he has drank he is NOT SOBER...alcohol affects the mind leaving it disabled.  He isn't thinking better after a drink...that will not happen.  The police department is also called Public Safety...use it.  In my prayers and support.  (((((hugs)))))

(((Luiza))). I am sorry for your pain. I understand. My AH hasn't taken a drink, to my knowledge, in about 3 months. But he does other things that are still bothering me A LOT. My sponsor told me sometimes if they get sober and go to AA then we might resent their time away at meetings, etc. So, we really need to look at the whole person...whether they are drinking or not. My AH has too many issues besides drinking, drinking just makes everything worse. Keep safe.

I will call Woman's Aid today and see what are my options.

I tried to make him realise how his behaviour can affect the child and he keeps saying it doesn't affect her because it is not aimed at her. How stupid is it? He is stupid. I feel sorry for my daughter for having such a stupid person as a father. Even if he we divorce, he still will be her father and she will have to put up with his stupidity. I wish he would just disapear for good.

Luiza, I so understand and agree. You are describing my A perfectly. I'm sure mine wasn't always this stupid or mean either. I was thinking earlier, I would not trust him to care for a pet rock these days; I no longer consider him capable of doing anything BUT be stupid and mean. Drink or no drink.
Big hugs to you.

Dear L Thank you so much for the update. As you have discovered ,alcoholism is a 3 fold disease. It affects the physical , emotional and spiritual portion of the soul of the entire family . I am glad that you , kept the focus on yourself and made the choice to call Women's aid
.
Keep coming back. Prayers for continued courage, serenity and wisdom

You are experiencing the real him, Luiza, as he is now. Trying to analyze him or figure out how much of his bad behavior is the disease and how much of his bad behavior is him keeps the focus on him and not on you. From what I've read here, you are in a dangerous situation to you and to your daughter. Please take loving care of yourself by keeping the focus on you and what you can do to separate yourself physically from him. Let go of trying to figure him out and let God guide you into safer territory than you are in now. I'm very concerned for you and for your daughter. The next sound you hear can be him striking you.

I have heard my husband's AA sponsor say" It takes 5 years in recovery to get your brains back and another 5 to learn how to use them."

Unfortunately he passed of cancer after 7 years of sobriety in AA--just as he was learning how to use them.
Keep the focus on yourself, your inner voice and trust the process.

 

We all  need to come to the understanding of the short term and long term affects of alcohol in the human system.  It is thousands of years old even before the birth of the Christ and so today we are an altered species I believe.  In order to understand the disease and the disease and me I went to college on it, Alcoholism and Substance abuse and I learned.  Only one thing I learned of many things there and in Al-Anon was the genetic affect of the disease which is partly explained in "progression" it even jumps generations and can be traced in DNA measurement.   Can it be solely blamed for the nastiness?  Being nasty is a choice...having that choice trumped by a compulsion of the mind shows me another picture.  Counseling can help the alcoholic know more and do better however the disease doesn't want to freely have anything to do with anything other than to drink this mind and mood altering chemical.    Split your "he" into to people.  One is the alcoholic, your alcoholic and the other is?   ((((hugs))))

Hi.
Regarding woman's aid. For what I understood, they offer temporary accommodation for women and children in need, they will rescue you at a time of crisis or offer you a safe place for you to take a break. It will never be in the area where you live and you can not chose where to go. My daughter school closes for the summer next week and I have no work at all in August, I am thinking of taking a break and going for a few days and see how would I feel moving to a complete new area. Women's aid do not offer permanent accommodation and it is not free so I would have to prove to the government that I am a victim of domestic abuse and need shelter and finical help. I am not sure they would take my case very seriously because I think there are women and children who has more priority then me / higher risk.. Also I will loose all my jobs which are very local and my daughter will be uprooted from her school and community...

I called my H at work and told him I found a AA meeting for him to go tonight, would he be willing to go? He said it was daunting for him and I explained it was not local and anonymous, all he needed to do was sit there and listen to other people experiences, no need to talk if he did not want to. It was a closed meeting so I could not go with him (good).
He txts me later on and asks: What if I don't go? I say that I will just prove that he isn't willing in changing anything and I would take steps to move out of the house. Than I sent another txt saying that drinking or not drinking, I will not put up with the way he behaved last night.

We met close to his workplace and went to eat at a restaurant. After the meal, daughter got her books and went to another table and we could have a normal conversation in public.
He said it was not fair I was forcing him to go, he didn't want to go and I was manipulating him. I said that I am working on my own recovery on Al_Anon and trying to leave him alone with his drinking but he pushed me too far this time. It was his option to go or not but if he didn't, he would have to move out tomorrow or I would ask the landlord to take my name out of the renting agreement and I would make myself homeless and move to whatever accommodation to wherever the council sent me. I don't care about my jobs, being homeless or poor, start all over again. I will not let him me treat like he did last night.

He said he knows he shouldn't have behaved the way he did and acknowledged that it damages our daughter. He said that he was angry and reacting to my lack of love, affection and care. He doesn't have no one to talk to and didn't know how to deal with the feelings.
I told him that I agree I am not showing any love and affection but I have reasons for it and if he can not control his feelings,he must seek help somewhere because creating havoc like he did is not the appropriate way to deal with it. Also spoke about my fear of him when he gets in that state of mind and he tried to minimise it saying it is ridiculous and he would never hurt me, but I explained that I fear him anyway and he is hurting me emotionally. I also said that I think he is mentally unstable and he needs some sort of professional help. Even if the AA is not for him, he will have to do something.

I tried to explain to him the effects of alcohol on his body and brain but he says I am not a doctor and I don't know what I am talking about. So I suggest he goes see a doctor and finds out.

So off we go to the meeting. The plan is for me to go with him there and wait in the area until it is finished. It is the hottest day of the year over here and we spend 45 minutes in the bus. Get there on time and guess what? Meetings cancelled for today.
We spend 1 hour to get back home and now he is watching TV and I am here. I don't have anymore strength to say or hear anything and will let him think.

Tomorrow he will spend the day with his mum and daughter and I will meet a friend. Sunday is another busy day for daughter and I. He doesn't work on the weekend.

I will have the whole of August to move out if he doesn't take action.

I was very confused to find out that the AA meeting was canceled. I went there, took him to the door (he is really crap at finding new places/directions - big child like - also and wanted support), spoke to someone at the door to make sure we were at the right place and heard when someone called a member and cancelled the meeting.
I guess it wasn't the time for him to go, since the idea didn't come from him anyway.

I am grateful for all the support I received here on this thread. I didn't up and leave and I went there and spoke to him, regardless my fear (had my phone at ready) but he calmed down once I went to put my daughter to bed. Also because I didn't react with fire, I think he realised quicker how stupid he was behaving. He could not believe I could be so calm and cool, despite of what he was doing.

It was like he had 2 personalities inside him at once. If daughter wasn't around, he would give me mean looks and say stupid things in a passive - aggressive way, if daughter was around, he would turn his back and 'talk to himself' in an angry voice, saying nasty things in code to 'himself' about me...of course the intention was for me to hear and understand. However if daughter was close to him and talking to him, he would put up the biggest smile, make the happiest face and give her lots of attention and be nice. As soon as she was out, the nasty face/voice/behaviour was back within 1 second.

I have never seen him behaving quite like that, he can be passive aggressive I know it, but not quite mad like that. I was wondering at that time if he was having a mental breakdown or had developed some mental health issues.

Once daughter was asleep and we had the conversation, he was calm and he expressed his feelings appropriately. It was only when it was my turn to talk that he started to not listen and rant because I simply just told him all my truth very clearly and firmly and this is not what he wanted to hear. Obviously he did not let me speak anymore from that point on.

So my plan now is to make a plan to get out. My time frame is 2 years maximum. I am a foreigner in this country and I have no family support of my own (he has) so I need to do things carefully and slowly, not to mess my life and daughter's life even more.
I am starting my new job in September, will work my way up quickly (hope the employer promises are real) and get as much info/advice/support as I possibly can in order to separate and divorce.
But I will not hesitate in going to a shelter if it all turns physical. I will not hesitate in calling the police again as I did twice before (he didn't get physical but he really needed someone to calm him down with the ranting. I used to add fuel to the fire at that time tough...and also wanted to 'teach' him a lesson).
I know it is sick, but sometimes in my screwed up mind I even think he would do me a favour if he only got a bit physical at least once. Then would be no excuse at all for him not to move out, no excuses at all for him not to sign a divorce and no excuses at all for me to get support from the government until I find my feet again.
I know it is a crazy way to think.

I see people here saying they love the person hate the disease. I fell bad because I hate both. I have to much hate inside.