Well, there's a man coming to do our lawns. It's going to cost me big the first time but oh well.  It's been over waist high for months, enough already. I cleaned the bathroom and threw away all of his beer cans and bottles and cigarette butts and the beard he shaved off and left all over the sink months ago today. (I mean A's beer cans and beard, not the mower-man's lol) I was refusing to do it, it made sense at the time I guess, to show him I won't clean after him anymore, but that was when I guess I still wanted to live with him and thought there was a chance of forcing change, or something. I don't know. I just know it was revolting and depressing and looked like the bathroom in a half-way house and now it's clean and doesn't make me want to cry every time I open the door. I have been just washing the dishes instead of separating his from mine and leaving them. Whatever. It doesn't feel like I have gone back to "serving him" because, well, I'm not. I have just given up on him, in every possible sense; I am not interested in making a point or "showing him" or anything really, i just want to clean up, pack and throw out rubbish quietly, keep the peace and plan, plan plan without telling him anything. I'm not asking for contributions to the bills, I'm not going to ask that he clean the bottles and rubbish from my car anymore (I've been asking for over a year now, whats the point?). I'll do it myself, I'll pay for everything myself, and it feels good really because when we move, it isn't going to be with him and doing everything without making a fuss about his non-contribution sort of makes that feel more real. This is how it is going to be and I can manage just fine; he never contributed anyway really except for half of the rent. (And for 3 years he didn't even do that, I supported 2 adults and a child all by myself so, well I know I can manage, geeze).

I got real and crunched the numbers before- based on what I have NOW (never mind what i will have if I do this, that or this) and based on the amount of rent I will need to pay, I will have just enough to cover rent and bills, and food. Nothing left over for daughter's school expenses or clothing or petrol or bus tickets or anything at all. So OK, the sensible thing to do is to start living on that budget now and save the money for when it is needed. No more movies, takeaway, fancy ingredients for fancy meals, or buying clothes etc. Basically, no more living as if nothing is changing and I can continue this current lifestyle forever. The fact is, soon I won't be splitting the rent with someone else, so that $160 or so a week that used to cover "everything else" is gone until I find ways to replace it. (And that won't take long, really, it's not that much). I have to stop living in the land of make-believe.

My girl is going to POUT and STOMP and be not happy when I start saying no. I'm not good at no. Oh well, it will be an adventure, lol. She'll get used to it, she'll start being creative about saving money, we'll have fun with it....we already made a space heater on the weekend with tea-light candles and flower-pots, lol it's surprisingly effective. (just for fun, we will still have normal heating lol) Started growing our own mushrooms and made a little greenhouse for herbs. We've been wanting to have a market-stall forever and as soon as I can drive my car, we can so, we can also start making things to sell (I used to create and sell 'fairy gardens' and I'd love to again). Daughter sews i-phone covers, they're really cute. We won't make a fortune but we'll have fun and keep busy. I suspect we'll weather the storm pretty well in all honesty and probably even enjoy it and end up with a lot more disposable income than we have at the moment, once I start to gain some momentum. I used to be extremely resourceful. So I probably still am, underneath all of this sad lazy depressed ugh-ishness I seem to have buried myself under.

Anyway there is a lot to do but it doesn't feel like a burden really. I have a bit of time before I have to be out of this place and instead of stressing and being sad and leaving everything to the last terrifying minute, I'm tackling a task each day, throwing away things we just don't need, cleaning things that wont be used any time soon and packing them, and now preparing financially instead of leaving it all to the last minute and then having a fit...(my usual MO). I go for my drivers license next week. I start a course the week after. I quit smoking PROPERLY 3 months ago for good and haven't had a cigarette at all in all of that time, that's pretty yippeee for me. There are things to be posiitive about, one foot in front of the other. It's going to be OK.

Oh, and I found out today that they have closed my al-anon meeting due to low numbers. That kind of sux, I can't think of anything positive about that but, it was great while it was here and I made some awesome contacts. When i'm driving, I can find another one. 

Babble babble, lol. Thanks for listening

(((everyone)))

-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 17th of July 2014 06:53:17 PM