The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You have a right to protect your livelihood and your property. If it was his car and he was paying all this...that might be different.
If left to pay his own way in the world, what would he do? It's not going to be "at home rehab" because he will keep drinking and maybe just not drive. He has a roof over his head, doesn't have to split bills or be an equal partner...why would he quit drinking? The "help" he wants is for you to enable and continue to have all this be okay. He obviously doesn't know what will help him or this wouldn't be a problem that just gets worse.
What "may" help him is having to pay half the bills, his own car,....have his own money and bills to tend to from his salary and not yours. That way you can choose to love him and not have his disease wreck you as much or more than him. It's his alcoholism. Let him fund it fully and have all the consequences.
Going to alanon will help you sort all this out. It's a very confusing disease and you can't take what the A says at face value because they are talking through a filter of disease. Alanon will give you sane social, spiritual, and emotional support.
It's not you controlling if you just removed him from driving YOUR car. If it is his and he pays the bills and insurance, that is controlling. You are not a judge. He can get a DUI. Just call the police next time he leaves the house drunk to drive. Separate your insurance policies...
I don't believe its a controlling issue. Sounds to me like you set a boundary and now he is facing the consequence. I also hear the disease screaming in defiance because you wont enable it. Good on your son to take the keys when he thought his father was under the influence. That takes courage. Keep on keeping on taking care of you.
Hello. Welcome to MIP. In some ways, you may be trying to control his disease/him - and as you've learned - that never works. I also believe that if the car and insurance is in both your names - then any liability resulting from his drinking and driving will fall financially on your shoulders and his, too. I'm not sure that your hope that "home rehab" is going to give him time to clear his head and reflect - the compulsion to drink is noisy, noisy, noisy as is our desire to stop it, stop it, stop it. We don't give advice in Al-Anon since we don't know the all the facts or the motivations of each person involved. What we do is suggest Al-Anon meetings for you and Alateen for the young people in your life unless they are old enough to attend Al-Anon. Taking the keys away from an active drinker to MY car as well as his might be something I'd do if I didn't see any other way to take care of myself and my financial investments. Al-Anon is a good place to hear the stories of others and to begin to work a recovery program for yourself, too. We are affected by this disease in sad ways and the constant negative surprises and verbal bashing and battering is hurtful and confusing. In Al-Anon, we gain the education, support and solution to the challenges in our lives as a group of people who are moving through and sometimes out of the chaotic world that alcoholism creates. Keep coming back here, too.
Greenleaf you and your son did good...that was responsible to you the family and the community. I would do the same thing. I've seen too many innocent people die as victims of this disease and when I can stop it or interfere with it I will and have. You have two partners you live with one is your husband and the other is your alcoholic. They at times look the same which is confusing and at other times maybe even act the same however when your husband is under the influence of the chemical and the disease you and your family are dealing with an entirely different matter. He knows he has a problem with alcohol and he also knows that it isn't anyone else's fault no matter what or how many excuses and blames he comes up with. If he is blaming he is also admitting that he has given up control over his own choices. One of his choices is "not" quitting on his own and part of that is the perception that it hasn't got that bad yet regardless and in spite of any other input and feelings. You wouldn't let me in your house drinking to and over excess and causing damage and that boundary is useable on everyone else. When I accepted my alcoholic/addict wife as if she were any other human being and applied the boundaries I would have for others in the same condition I no longer seconded guessed and stopped enabling. She disabled herself and could not participate in the marriage in a sane and rational and helpful way. She brought more trouble than we could afford and she wouldn't want that to happen to herself either. Justice. The suggestion of getting to Al-Anon is for me the best suggestion if you have not already done that. Keep coming back cause we are in support for anyone who reaches out for help. (((((hugs)))))
Yes, protecting property is important. Our insurance bills skyrocketed after my AWs first couple of minor property damage crashes, then 2 DUIs. The bills have lowered again now that she has no license, but she will need a job to get her license back due to how much the insurance will cost.
And BTW, the other danger is much worse - he could kill myself and/or someone else.
I have come home to my AW trying to get in the car and not being able to succeed. I have also come home to my neighbor seeing what was happening and parking the car back in our garage after wife abandoned it since she was so confused once she got in and got it started. So no keys may be rough for you, but had I to do it all over again I would have done things differently, taking keys a lot more.
Thank you, everyone, for the input. It was very helpful to hear the different view points and that I was on the right track
It's strange how when one is the sane and sober partner you begin to question if the reaction is the right choice.
At the moment and for a few days after it has been the right choice as my husband and I have been discussing his behaviour and the consequences he
now has to deal with and the possible ramifications had he made the choice to drive.
I have been to some al-Anon meetings but not recently as work and other family issues have come first right now. I found the meetings to be a great
comfort and help for my viewpoint on the disease. I know the group will be there when I really need them.
It does shock me how many of you advocate taking keys from people. That is tricky. I do not think it's a safe Alanon suggestion as taking keys from an angry irrational drunk person could result in harm. I'd suggest just calling the police if the person refuses to hand the keys over. This specific qualifier broke out tools and damaged their own vehicle when they could not get access to the keys. You guys really think it's a good idea to try and wrestle keys away from someone like that? I also noticed it's men members saying they would take keys. Just something to consider. It's not Alanon necessarily to put yourself at risk too or play vigilante. Call police pronto.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 18th of July 2014 06:53:26 PM
My AH husband left the house drunk; and I callled the police. The dispatcher said, "What do you want us to do?"
I said, "I thought you would want to know he just screamed at me and my son in the backyard for several minutes (on Mother's Day) and then stormed off and got in his car and is driving who knows where." He missed church that day and drank instead. Then came home drunk to try to ruin my M.D. My son stood up to him and told him to get away from me. That was 2 M.D. ago. Oh, this has been going on too long. I need to remember that as I decide what to do each morning.
But anyway, the dispater said they can't just randomly stop people; they must witness a violation before stopping anyone." Oh well. So, as long as they keep it between the lines, it doesn't matter that they are drunk. Hmmmm.
I've called the police when people are out of their mind and stumbling in and out of traffic. Dispatchers say they'll send someone. They don't. Most recently, I kept inviting a guy out of the street and onto the steps of my organization for almost an hour. Nobody came. The PD is located about 8 blocks from my former workplace. The next door business owner came out and said: "Cops don't come for d*sses like that. Don't waste your time." Although I don't advocate trying to wrestle keys from an angry drunk, sometimes if that is the only option that is clear to somebody like in the case of GL's son, it may be the guidance of their HP? I get what you're saying, PC, but I'm not sure calling the police will always result in what we hope. Asking for guidance and then acting might be another option?
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 18th of July 2014 09:31:09 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 18th of July 2014 09:47:51 PM
Sorry that your son had to take the key away. Good for him that he knew what AH was trying to do was wrong. However, I did not have good experience wrestling key from AH. Somehow he got really angry and scary about not finding his key when drunk. So word of caution is be careful. That is my AH. Others may behave ok about it.
LOL, PC!