The material presented
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Well...I made the 13.5 hour drive....and it took everything I had not to turn around after 3 hours...tears, heartache, misery...
The night before he was drunk, but he said he couldn't take it anymore...asked me to go for a two week vacay, visit and come back...with my heart aching, my mouth said yes, if you quit drinking...his reply was yes...only on weekends...and if at all possible I cried harder...it was the wrong answer....
I screamed no...not on weekends, not on holidays, not when you're sad, not when you're mad, not when you're happy, not ever!!!! Quit drinking entirely and be active in counselling. And the whole scene changed again...and yet it didn't....same feelings of despair, same anger/defensive moves on his part, same blame game, same bringing up the past, same same same!!!
So here I am...a province away...and I'm dying inside...waiting for him to call or text and tell me he loves me sooo much and that he will quit and seek counselling, but I know it won't happen. He texted our boy goodnight, ...then drunk dialed me by accident...and I heard the bar noises...and all I could do was pray from 1200 kms away that he doesn't drink and drive.
Nothing changes if nothing changes...so I sit here contemplating changing my number...so I can't get random texts, or calls....and I cry...
I'm sitting here tonight, my friend has gone to bed...my son is asleep, and my spouse is drunk...and I'm all alone with my thoughts wandering...oh wait...my friend just woke up and came out to check on me :)
I'm loved...still miserable...but loved...time to go to sleep...tomorrow is another day, and we will see what happens next...
Oh Watts, I love that your friend came to check on you, you must be in the right place
It is so difficult, but I admire your courage and humanity. Thank you for sharing your pain with us. And thank you for sharing your awareness that you are loved and warm and tucked up safely in bed. Sleep tight
Thoughts, prayers and support are with you. Change can be so difficult. You have shown courage and strength even if you aren't feeling tht at this moment.
I know how much much it hurts but yes trust the process. I got to the point that I cried my son would get picked up while driving. My prayer was answered and he has learned a little the consequences of his actions.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
You are also courageous and wonderfully open to your friends love and a fresh start. As PC suggested, al anon meetings can be your lifeline...reach for them like they are 911 locations. Big hug.
You're doing the right thing for yourself, your son, and, ultimately, for your A. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much in the process, but your courage and strength are amazing. Prayers and hope coming your way!
I can remember moving away from my roots with my children and starting over in a very new place with very new people. I, too, had a friend who was with me through so much of that transitory time. I cried a lot at first - my self-esteem was so low and my tank very empty. Slowly, I healed and rebuilt myself and my life and my HP was with me through it all in my new living arrangements, my new job, my new town and with good friends from the City and the life I left. Glad you have a friend who chose to come with you on the road to your new life. Going to meetings is an excellent way to rebuild your self esteem, your relationship to yourself and your HP, and fill up your life with laughter and positive experiences. Keep coming back here, too. Glad you made the trip safely.
A verse from the Bible helped me when I was wondering why I knew I wasn't happy living with an alcoholic yet every time we separated my heart ached for him. I wondered why, why would my heart ache to be with someone who simply sat on the couch and drank... I was not happy and it was getting worse not better. So I wondered. Then I found the verse "The heart is deceitful above all things"
Follow your higher power, not your heart, and make your decisions with your brain as to what is best is what that verse said to me.
I had to avoid lots of things to not let my heart be deceitful, I avoided all the things that made me want to "follow my heart" which had led me to horrible places in the past. I avoided music on the radio, only listening to upbeat instrumental or religious music. NOT love songs. I avoided romantic movies.
The heart is deceitful among all things....so I follow my higher power and my brain instead!
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 16th of July 2014 04:01:12 PM
((((Watts)))) been in that place and have done those thing and then started doing Al-Anon and in the fellowship overtime following the suggestions and working it with a Power much greater than my compulsion to crave the alcoholic/addict I got freed from my addiction to saving her and every other person who looked like they needed me to save them. I was so insane to act out that way and yet I did until I learned that there were alternative ways of living and that while I loved my alcoholic/addict I really didn't need her to go on with my life and have a happy one by choice. She is and the disease is no longer my drugs of choice. Free at last. Keep coming back cause this works when you work it.
(((Watts))) you will be ok!! It will get better. Time heals. It really does. You are strong and you did what you had to do to make a better life. I also wanted to hear my AH telling me he was going to change. Even though he appears to not be drinking, he still does irresponsible things that drive me nuts. My sponsor told me even if the A goes into AA or rehab or something, we might then be resentful of them meeting new people, spending time away from us at meetings, etc.
sometimes the answer for us is to leave the A. That's what I did too. I have bad days and good days. Try to focus on you and your son. Keep busy with your friend doing things that make you happy. Exercise helps me too. I feel so energetic after exercising.
Hang in there.
You sound so emotionally exhausted. It's good that you have a friend with you who cares. Hoping you're feeling more strength and clarity about it all today. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
