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hello hello. Been awhile, I just wanted to post and share how I was doing since I broke up with my ABF in April. A few months went by and he called me 3 weeks ago to just see how I was doing. We ended up spending a two week period together, him helping me move into my new apt (where I am now very happy) and we went camping. (Like old times.) Problem is, even though he admitted 100% of our problems were because of his drinking, because he hasn't stopped drinking that bad behavior eventually reared its ugly head again and the first time it did I cut him off again pronto! I do miss him as always, but I just have made so much progress in the last few months, adjusting to this life, not having someone treat me like that all the time, that even a little of it sent me into immediate anger and wanting to cut this off quickly. I never took him back, and in fact I told him I never will. Unless he is sober. After we broke up, at about a month in I realized I was sure about this because my life felt easier, and I was having bursts of real happiness coming through for the first time in a long time.
Spending time together was just us missing each other I guess but the constant reminders of his alcoholism was enough in the end to turn me off and away. He was trying so hard to control every nuance of his behavior, but they can't 100% do that as they are still drinking. impossible. I think he now sees that for himself.
I realized after blocking his number, that I forgot I did that! I didn't unblock it out of sadness, I have not felt anxiety, or scared of losing him. It really has sunk in my head that he is not going to find anyone like this. THis is not about dating but life and death. For me, I am working and although lonely, learning to make new friends when I can and just rely on prayer and things that make me feel better. Positive thinking and accomplishing goals that I have always wanted to. The hardest part ( when I first left) is over!! thank god!! and it has gotten easier. I just want to share that with anyone who is doing it for the 1st or 2nd time. My first time failed. I do miss him terribly but I know that I am better off this way so it does pass and subside eventually.
I have to add one more thing to this that was hard for me, he has not shaven in over 6 months, and just looks like a bum. Completely. He is 100% a different person than when I met him, and so we must all remember that this disease is progressive, and they DO change over time. I saw it for myself and it scared me.
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 15th of July 2014 04:53:41 PM
-- Edited by giraffe13 on Tuesday 15th of July 2014 05:01:25 PM
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
thanks all ((big hug)). hard to believe I was using a flip book of handwritten notes to get through that first month. Hour by hour. And also hard to believe that after coming this far in such a short time I still miss and love him with all my heart but want to be away from him. It is all so weird! And nothing like a normal breakup with a healthy person. So glad I can come here and there are others who understand these things too! This forum is a blessing.
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Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
((Giraffe)) Glad you are here! It's normal to miss the things that were good, but like any relationship, it's a package deal and this is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease.
A thought came to me with this share: Perhaps it is your HP who is moving your body away from this man? Your head and your heart will catch up with where your HP has and is taking you. I can remember standing in my garage one night with my son. He had just kicked my car and was towering over me screaming because I wouldn't take him some place he wanted to go. I felt what I can only describe as power leaving my body in that moment. I turned away from him and went in the house. I knew that I couldn't fight his disease and I couldn't tolerate its isms. That it wasn't my HP's will for me to stand there and take it - son or not. I loved him and I didn't love his disease or his isms or his behaviors. My HP gave me the strength to do what I needed to do to separate myself from him and I acted on that power. The power to continue to be in physical proximity of him was removed. My thoughts and my feelings followed my body's movements. We aren't meant to live in spirit quenching situations.
You both are so right. Thank you grateful2be for that suggestion b/c honestly it makes a lot of sense. I felt pushed, like someone was standing behind me physically pushing me through that time and I don't even know how I did it looking back? i still am calling on that power.
__________________
Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.
((big hug)). hard to believe I was using a flip book of handwritten notes to get through that first month. Hour by hour. And also hard to believe that after coming this far in such a short time I still miss and love him with all my heart but want to be away from him. It is all so weird! And nothing like a normal breakup with a healthy person. So glad I can come here and there are others who understand these things too! This forum is a blessing.