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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My RAH put himself on a weird diet and other sobriety questions
Post Info TOPIC: My RAH put himself on a weird diet and other sobriety questions
andromeda


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My RAH put himself on a weird diet and other sobriety questions
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So, ever since my RAH quit drinking a few weeks ago, I've noticed that his diet is crazy weird.  He will not eat what I cook, which I'm not sure if this is a passive aggressive thing towards me or if he's just not hungry for it or whatever (he's an A so I honestly don't ask).  He had mentioned that he was trying to lose weight but his entire diet consists of dairy products.  He buys cottage cheese, yogurt, lots of cheese slices, huge containers of cole slaw, and frozen hamburgers, LOL.  

My son has stopped asking why dad doesn't eat what I cook, especially when I put a meal on the table.  I made venison the other night for dinner and I had to go out to a birthday party so I asked my RAH if he liked what I had made and he said, "Yeah, it was good."  My son later tells me that dad ranted and raved about how awesome the deer meat was and how he had never had it before, etc.  Funny how he can't communicate that to me, ugh.  

I also find it weird that he goes to meetings but doesn't tell our son that he's working recovery.  He told me 4 weeks ago that he would talk to our son, but nothing has come about.  I came home today, knowing that RAH was at a meeting because he goes nearly every day at noon, and asked my son if dad told him where he was going: NOPE.  What's up with that?  RAH even has his thirty day chip sitting on his desk but hasn't shared any of it with anybody else.

Now, before you all answer me I want you to know that I know the answer to my questions: He's an alcoholic and that's just what alcoholics do.  I know it.  I get it.  I just get concerned at times and I wonder if this is what recovery will look like for him forever, you know?  My son was ticked off at something RAH said last week, as RAH was trying to triangulate our son into finding out something from me without coming directly to me and my son came to me with his concerns.  I guess I know many of the answers but just needed someplace to vent.  Even if my marriage doesn't  work out, which is highly likely, my son will still have this man as his father and I'd hate to think that this is as good as it gets or that it gets even crazier, as it seems now! I always new that early recovery was difficult but I didn't realize it also meant 'yep, there's a whole new crazy in town!"  Where's my Calgon, LOL!?



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Debilyn


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I still like this one, "you cannot rationalize insanity."

People are going to do what they are. If he is working on his recovery, that is HIS recovery. He may want to get a better hold on his path before he tells his son, not wanting to disappoint him. Its his story to tell, no one elses.

Recovery is not an easy process. He may be eating what his body is telling him he needs. drinking really causes bodies to lose all kinds of vitamins. maybe he is craving calcium.

Just is not our thing to think about. I would keep on cooking, again it is up to him if he wants it or not. You will cook for you and son anyway.

He may need to distance himself from you also. who knows. Honestly when one does not see reality for years, to have it all hit him is very, very hard. My AH did not experience many deaths and other things so he had to face it all when he got into recovery, trouble was it could never last,never has again.

I would do my best to  love him as is and not question. Enjoy what is enjoyable, detach from what is not.

Your attitude sounds really good! You may want to tell him if he wants to, you are very willing to go to open meetings when he asks.

hugs



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pinkchip


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30 days is no time to evaluate someone's program. What did you know about alanon 30 days in? It's going to take much longer and, like you've said before, there may be just parts of who he is that you do not like.

Anyhow, people are always evolving and changing. At 30 days sober, I was still a very selfish and entitled baby with no humility. Humility is also going to probably be one of the hardest principles for your husband to get, as he's actually been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (knowing from past posts).

So...I suspect he isn't seeing the AA as a strength yet. I didn't tout that I was in AA until I built up some lasting sobriety - like 6 months.

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milkwood


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My AH does a similar thing regarding his diet, lots of rules about what he eats and also needing very regular meals, initially up to five a day! He is now ten months sober and his regime has relaxed a bit. My impression is that there is a mix between the body needing lots of minerals and vitamins and also a need to feel in control of something. When he stopped drinking he was borderline diabetic and one of the new rules was no carbohydrates. His most recent blood tests came back normal with regards to diabetes. So there was some good in that (plus I lost a bit of weight which was a bonus!). There were times when I felt a bit put upon since I do all of our cooking. I really didn't need more rules in my life, but I didn't dwell on it and I knew it was up to me how much effort I made. Now I only cook one meal a day, the rest comes from fresh fruit or cold snacks. I like cheese a lot, so that helps!

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andromeda


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To go completely off topic now: I am not in a good place. I just walked in the door and heard my RAH going off about something that he and ds were watching on TV (Foxnews, as always) and as soon as I heard his raised voice and the yelling, my body had a mini panic attack. My heart started racing, my legs got weak and jello like, and my hips started aching(I have no idea why this one happens). UGH, it was very clear to me that I am NOT ready to engage with him in anyway because I immediately went into a panic mode, which hasn't happen in a very long time. It is very clear to me that there is a very long way to go for me and for us, if that is God's plan.

And, yes, you guys are right: I know that 30 days sober is a drop in the bucket. As for the cooking, I am always cooking because I love to do it and because my son and I are gluten free so I have to be on top of what we eat, etc. We eat very healthy. I've never pushed RAH to eat what I cook, I don't ask questions when he says he's not hungry, I don't follow him around begging him to eat my food, etc. I think it's more about how my son always questions it and I'm left saying, "That's just how dad is, sweetie, and he'll eat when he's hungry. No need to worry." Or, I tell him to go talk to his father if he's that concerned and when he does RAH blows him off or makes him sound crazy by turning it back on our son with questions of his own or gas lighting him. It's so hard to stay out of their relationship and watch these tactics be used on your own kid. And, yes, I've told him that I would go to meetings with him and I told him that I've been to some open AA meetings and I know where a few good ones are, as well. He has no interest in us working our programs together, and I'm just fine with that right now.

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PP


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Hugs to you and your son, this is tough, tough, tough.



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Paula
gingerfizz


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My AH (11 mos dry, no program) ate bags and bags of chocolates daily and tons of packages of bakery cupcakes after quitting drinking. They say it is because alcohol is basically sugar and the body still craves it. Not sure about yours with the cheese thing though! I do know that he went through an intense period of eating piles of junk - he is still eating it now but a little less. I guess it was the only thing he could do to keep from drinking... and he felt he "deserved it" for not drinking, along with expensive cable tv packages and some other things. This is subbing out one vice and negative distraction with another as far as I can tell. Not coping with life on life's terms - he is not working a program to learn how to do this!

But I digress.... it's not my side of the street!! I should focus on me and my program. I've made a lot of progress but I'm nowhere near perfect! I just read a quote on pinterest that said "Not my circus! Not my monkeys!" and I'm going to try to make it my new motto :)



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Cathyinaz


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LOL.......your AH and I would get along just fine if it was Foxnews he was watching. Sorry smile

 

I wouldn't worry or be upset about what he eats....it's like anything else you can control it or fix it.  My son go's Gatorade crazy along with pasta, cheese and salad. 



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andromeda


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Cathy, I don't mind Foxnews in terms of their political stance(I just prefer to get my news on the internet and I choose which articles are interesting and which stories I want to let filter through my brain) but my RAH talks to the TV and gets angry at it and puts on a show and then rewinds it when he needs to hear the bad news all over again, LOL. It's infuriating, quite frankly. Also, there's only so much news I can take to begin with, I don't care what station it is. I just can't handle that much arguing and negativity for that long, it's draining, LOL!

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Newlife girl


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My AH has horrible eating habits. He eats fast food and never wants to cook. Lots of cereal and ice cream too. When he drinks he barely eats at all. Not sure what's going on with your AH but I know an A usually has a poor diet in general.

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Cathyinaz


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I know what your mean by to much. When I am getting to much news and it starts to hurt my serenity I can turn on Duck Dynasty or Deadliest Catch lol Just tell him to get some balance in his TV watching ((( hugs )))

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pinkchip


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It's annoying when anyone acts so stereotypical. Go ahead...be conservative, but calm down man....Junior Rush Limbaugh needs to go away. I get it. It's all hype and overblown outsides to cover up for the busted insides. I believe the saying is "Shallow brooks are noisy."...meaning people who have lots of issues and problems also tend to have lots of opinions and they are loud about them. This is a pretty standard alcoholic trait you are describing. It is really a dry drunk one even more because a lot of wet drunks are too wasted to care about politics. My one uncle who was a horrible dry drunk was the exact same way...to the point of his conservatism turning into paranoia of anything different. He now believes black people are evil too due to their ties to the black muslim religion and being terrorist by proxy. Any black person not fitting his mold is "a white black person" WTF? I'm like..."How bout shutting up and going to some more meetings and talking to your sponsor and working the steps until your brain works better." I no longer bear any ill will towards any conservative, republican, or religious person....Opinionated A-holes are another story lol. Probably because they remind me of my dry-drunky self (yeah...I probably can go there when not working my program).

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andromeda


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LOL, Pinkchip. Love the Junior Rush thing because I know that RAH idolizes Rush. I have too much on my mind with homeschooling my son, my own recovery, and keeping care of the home to really pay much attention to politics. Political systems have been broken since the dawn of time so I don't like to waste my energy focusing on it. As my RAH works his recovery, maybe these things will fall to the wayside as he learns how to tolerate others and release his stereotyping and judgementalism? Who knows? RAH has admitted to me, though, that he was a dry drunk for the first 15 years of our marriage and that he now understands why he acted the way he did. Instead of focusing on what he is or isn't doing, hard to do when he's right in front of me 24/7, I have to find ways to focus on myself and on staying on my own railroad tracks.

I definitely need a meeting, LOL!!

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