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Hi - I've an AW that has been in recovery now for 12 years and we've 2 kids. Over the years she's had bouts of depression that I've been drawn into but with the help of meetings I've been able to stay sane, however I only go to meetings at the darkest moments (I know I need to keep coming back).
The last 6 months have been possibly the worse, she was convinced she had a terminal illness insisting she saw a doctor every day for weeks each time the doctor saying there was nothing wrong, these months were really hard work and at the end when it was proven she was ok all I got from her was bitter resentment that I didn't care. So working on the basis of detaching and looking after yourself I'm left thinking should I leave and do the best I can for the kids? Leaving woud be so very very hard but I can see that in the long run for me and the kids this could be the best thing.
A horrible place to be in but and very strange to be sharing so openly - I've not discussed this with anyone but I can't see how the love we first had will ever return.
Hi, Sean. Welcome back. Alanon suggests that we make no major changes until we have been actively working our program for 6 months unless there is domestic violence or other types of major threats to our wellbeing and that of our children. I separated from my x and later divorced him primarily due to dv and drugs that were a threat to us all. I can say from experience that living with them and not living with them has their own challenges to deal with - especially with children involved. I do think Al-Anon's suggestion is very wise counsel for those of us who are not sure which way to go in relationship to our spouse and to our marriages with them.
Hi Sean,
Welcome. I'm so sorry you're struggling with this decision and this situation. It isn't an easy choice to make--as I know all too well. It's so incredibly hard, as parents, to balance our own happiness with our children's present and future happiness. Of course, there's no way of knowing how each situation could affect them, and no way for us to protect them from all harm and pain. There's a stigma against breaking up the family; I'm struggling with that myself. But I read something yesterday--it might have been on this message board, in fact--that made an impact on me: to paraphrase, "most kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one."
Good luck with your process. I'm glad you shared. And glad, too, that the sun is shining for you today.
I have recently left my husband after 34 years of marriage, I don't think anyone can tell you wether you should or shouldn't leave, how it happened for me was, I just knew the life I was living was not doing me any good, it didn't give anything back only took, I struggled for many years not knowing what was happening to us and by the time I started to understand and was feeling ready to be done my husband stopped drinking, I felt then that everything would be all good and I felt almost guilted into staying, but the isms remained, and have actually got worse even though he doesn't drink, I had been telling him I felt unwell and wasn't happy he said he was ok and hadn't got a problem, I asked him if he would move out but he refused and said if your not happy you go, I have never had the courage before as I had children too and still have a son at home, I couldn't see anything else to do but remove myself from a horrible situation, even though in my heart of hearts it hurts like hell I feel a million times better, I have left my son at home, well he is 23, my daughter left home a few years ago, I have walked away with very little but I feel at peace, I will have to face him at some point to sort out my stuff, but just for now I am ok, I have been left almost a week now and my emotions are all over the place, he hasn't made any contact, how sad is that but then I never expected him too, if he wasn't prepared to hear me while I am there it's no surprise he has no desire to speak with me now.
I have always had so much fear about leaving and staying too, I have worried that i have been teaching my children how to stay in a bad realationship, I also worried about taking them away from their father, my son didn't contact me for a few days so my heart was heavy, but he came around to see me over the weekend and I know that my doing what I need to do for me is not going to harm our relationship, I asked if his dad was happy, he said yes he seemed to be but was acting weird!
Well what ever he is acting like now is not my problem, I know the turmoil your feeling it's horrible but you will honestly know when it is time, I could of not done this any sooner, and hopefully now at least my children will have one fully functioning parent, take care.
I'm having similar thoughts for similar reasons. My husband is depressing to be around and it is having an affect on my well being. I would love him to get the help he needs but unfortunately he sees getting help as an admission that there is something wrong with him which equates to failure in his belief system. His choice and I respect that.
I have tried to keep my spirits up but am beginning to feel depressed myself so my thinking is that I need to spend some time away from him so that I can get better. It does not necessarily mean that our marriage is over, it just means that I want to look after myself for a change.
I also have struggled and still struggle with what to do with my marriage to an A, 23 yrs long. I have seriously been involved with alanon for just over one year and what I've learned is that I can feel much better, not get sucked in as much, and enjoy life, even though I do not enjoy my A much at all. I will still have the stay/leave decision to make, but when I do my feet will be firmly planted and I will be very strong. I've given up worrying about the decision and just focus on getting myself very healthy. That would be my suggestion for you~get into recovery and you will eventually know what is right for you. Lyne
Sean All great responses to your question about leaving. . I would just like to point out that" No the love you first had " will not return. However there is a chance a deeper more abiding love will grow as the result of working thorough this difficult time. It did for me My first love was immature the renewed love (thanks to alanon) mature and filled with much compassion and understanding ,
No one can say what will be Why not give the program a chance, work it, with a sponsor, for at least 6 months and see where you are You deserve this as you have all to gain and nothing to lose
Thank you all so very very much for such amazing comments - these have been the spark I've needed to get back to meetings, I'm going to attend ASAP. But having this forum is amazing, it's helped me already put things into perspective and only this morning help me deal with a difficult situation and enabled me to put the kids first and make sure they were ok.
I feel the same way as you do, even more so. This forum has been better than meetings to me because I don't have so much scheduled time to go to meetings, so I can catch this when I am available.
